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Embarrassed - crush on a co worker

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Krater, Dec 17, 2016.

  1. Krater

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    I am going to try and keep this brief and to the point. This is really embarrassing and I am not proud of myself.
    I was at a new job site and was assigned a fellow worker (Tom) to work alongside me for the first couple of days. After a while I started to develop a crush on this guy Tom. Tom went to work at a different location than me but on the same site after about the 3rd day. If I wanted to know something that I was unsure about I would go and see Tom, but found myself lingering around him a bit longer than I should have been. As I walked away I overheard Tom say to someone that I was a good-looking guy. Sometimes throughout the week on site, I would see Tom and he would joke around with me in light banter. One time I was working up a ladder and Tom came around and talked to me while I was working and talked to me from the bottom of the ladder. When he went back to work I couldn’t concentrate on what I was doing and had to stop work for a bit. When-ever I interacted with Tom sometimes he would poke me in the stomach with his finger but in a light way, not jabbing. I then found myself whenever I saw him wanting to touch him but often refrained from doing so.
    Towards the end of the week I happened to be sitting alone with Tom having lunch. Tom apologised to me and I asked what he was sorry for. He replied that he is sorry that I was not his type. I said something to play it off but inwardly I was kind of freaking out that he had said this and that I had been so free around him. I thought that I have to get a handle on my emotions. I felt like part of me felt so free being around him and the other part of me was feeling scared or being seen as gay.
    I started to take stock of the way I was acting around Tom and kept reminding myself to stay aloof and not act so friendly around him, but as much as I tried to gain control the situation when I was around Tom it seemed that my emotions just to betrayed me. I felt like I was so emotionally immature.
    Another guy was working with me for a day and Tom came over and made a quiet suggestion that the other worker and myself were more than close friends. I laughed and played his comment off.
    I was informed by my supervisor that the next day that I was to be working for a day on another site with just me and Tom. I started to feel hot and having an adrenaline rush and like a knot in my stomach.
    I totally freaked out and quit the job and found another job.
    Reflection: I was attracted to Tom, but I think that I am still coming to terms with myself in the acceptance of being gay. I was crushing on Tom badly even though I at times I felt free and quite confident at times.
    But I wonder how it was for Tom.
    I have huge regrets of having quit the job, as I ran away (flight mode) because I anticipated ridicule and shame. My internalized homophobia was off the Richter scale yet I started the whole thing.

    Guess I am interested in your feedback, however it may be
     
  2. Hunter8

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    I can relate. There's a co-worker at my job who is honestly very hot, and I sometimes get a bit lost when I'm talking to him. He has gorgeous eyes and nice muscles too. Sometimes I lose track of what we are talking about. He's straight too, so that doesn't help matters. Me and this guy a couple weeks ago were holding up a shelf together while another worker stabilized it. We were in pretty close proximity, and it was a bit uncomfortable. I just try to ignore it most of the time, but it can be a challenge.
     
  3. Krater

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    Update:

    I have been reflecting on this situation and read what I wrote, I would say that there is a strong possibility, that I have a problem with anxiety. This would account for my perception of anticipated ridicule, etc.. which would make me anxious.

    My response is to go into flight mode which may have served me in my past, but I think it is well and truly outdated now as it is not serving me. The physical manifestation of feeling like having a knot in my stomach, etc.. is a normal human response to fear (I think).

    The only thing is, is that I am really not in any threat or danger except it seems that my mind constructs that I am. Another reflection is that I unknowingly give my power away to another person, that their opinion weighs more than my own - placing my self-worth in another's hands.

    There is a saying - When the river runs low, the submerged rocks show.

    As I write this, there is a feeling of truth. I am finding that I have been avoiding to admit this to myself. Excusing it or finding reasons to justify the situation or wanting another to tell me something different. I think my avoidance of this admission, has been that I don't want to admit to myself that I have a problem with anxiety. But my avoidance is neither serving me either.
     
  4. Patrick7269

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    Krater,

    When you analyze your life instead of live it, you will do things that you regret just as much as if you lived with wild abandon. I sometimes get caught up in my head instead of living my life, and it's too easy to do when we're analytical, different, and want to preserve our safety. As much as you can, I would try to not over-think things. I think there is some anxiety going on too, and it's fueled by your over-thinking.

    What I do is meditation. Or rather, what I'm trying to do is meditation. It's hard getting the time to, but it's worth it.

    Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Focus on your breathing; breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breath out. Nothing more than breathing. You don't need to breathe any differently than usual, but just be aware of your breath.

    Clear your mind of thoughts. If you find that voice in your head going on with a new thought, just acknowledge the thought and push it away. The feeling of not "chasing thoughts" or over-thinking can be great, even after only a few minutes of meditation. We don't realize it, but we're always chasing thoughts in our daily lives, and it's exhausting.

    Of course this is a much broader topic. If you want to learn more research "mindfulness-based stress reduction".

    Please note that I'm not a doctor or therapist with medical advice, just a guy with an opinion. Hope that helps.

    Thanks,

    Patrick
     
  5. Weston

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    I haven't tried meditation, but I did start going to yoga last year. Sessions typically end with a period of blank-mindedness, where one actually drifts in and out of consciousness. Afterward, I leave with a sense of calm and wellbeing — physical and mental — that lasts all day.
     
  6. Krater

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    Lol yep this is me. Thank you
     
  7. Patrick7269

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    Takes one to know one. ;-)

    Patrick