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Weird life journey

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Fairchild Main, Dec 20, 2016.

  1. Fairchild Main

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    So I'm 40 now. I've only had full sex with one person - my wife. Though I've had oral encounters with one other woman (I was the giver) and two men. That's my entire sexual history. I didn't kiss a girl until I was 23. I didn't actually have full sex until my wedding night. And from what people tell me, I'm good looking. Well spoken, artistic, tall, fit. My chasteness was by choice, whether conscious or not.

    I always told myself that it was because I was "saving myself." There was so much rationalization going on. I kind of ignored the fact that the highlight of my week back in high school was the times we got to shower nude after gym class. I just liked to be naked, I told myself. I was proud of being uninhibited, I told myself. It had nothing to do with being naked around other guys. After all, I was interested in girls, had a crush on, at least, like one girl in high school, and masturbated to whatever pictures of women I could get a hold of.

    But then, why was I so comfortable around women as friends, and so awkward trying to be "romantic" with them? And why was it so hard to even talk to guys? I had this fear of being around guys, like something bad was going to happen, like there was this feeling inside of me that I need to escape from. As long as I didn't have guy friends, I wouldn't have to deal with it. I still have a hard time relating to men.

    And I watched straight porn. Read straight porn. Wrote straight porn. Usually from the female perspective, but still, straight porn. Got off looking at female bodies. Felt attraction to women. I'm straight, right?

    So, I married a woman who adores me. The sex works. It works quite well. She's got some masculine features - broad shoulders and legs, muscular and stout, likes typically masculine things and recently has identified as a bit genderqueer. Like, recently she said, with no prompting, that she fantasizes about pegging me. Huh. The fact that I was drawn to someone like this should have been a clue. But, she's still a woman.

    Now, in the past few years I've really become honest with my sexuality. I like women. I also like men. One thing I've always done my whole life is masturbate in front of a mirror. I really like looking at myself getting off. I figured that was just, you know, some kind of narcissism. But no, I like to look at men, and the mirror was just a "safe" way to have a man to look at. I'm not talking about looking at penises. I'm not all that interested in looking at penises. Yes, it is a beautiful organ, but I'm more interested in the entire person. Face, body.

    I love my wife. She's my best friend, and an indispensable partner in this journey of life. We've been together nearly 15 years. But I don't know how to deal with feelings of dual attraction. How do bisexuality and monogamy even work together?

    Thoughts? Opinions?
     
  2. baristajedi

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    Welcome to EC! :welcome:

    A lot of what you say resonates with me, I've had some very similar experiences that I now understand much better. In my case I've come to acknowledge that I'm gay, but there was a point I was gonking maybe I'm bi; and I was asking alot of the same questions you are. Monogamy can work in a bi marriage, but... I suppose the question is - do you feel you're missing something in terms of not having had experience with men?

    There are some folks on here who are making monogamy work and still exploring their sexuality, some who are working towards variations of polyamory. Definitely you're not alone. Keeep posting and reading others' posts.

    You're making a brave step by looking honestly at who you are. Glad to have you here.

    ---------- Post added 21st Dec 2016 at 01:03 AM ----------

    *thinking (not gonking, lol)
     
  3. wrhinla

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    Interesting. Bisexuality and monogamy can certainly work together. I was faithful to my wife for 30 years even though I was bi.

    Masturbating in front of a mirror is pretty common. I have done it many times. It does have to do with narcissism, but not in an unhealthy way. Narcissism is essential to being human; it would be hard to get through the day without a degree of self-reflection and self-love. There are pathologies associated with wounded or distorted narcissism.

    Based on my experience masturbating in front of a mirror, I would say it has something to do with seeing oneself as another. Objectifying yourself in the midst of an act that is deeply subjective. It takes you out of your subjectivity and lets you see yourself as an ordinary person doing something that is at once very personal but also universal. That's just my take.
     
  4. smee

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    It's really too soon for me to be offering any actual advice, but yeah, sometimes it's like M Night Shyamalan took over writing the plot. I will say the time right after that moment was a little like a second early adolescence for me, where suppressed feelings were suddenly ...there. They can come out wrong and the lessons and inhibitions that we learn so we don't keep acting like 7th graders may not be there yet (oops.) Of course your mileage may vary.

    It sounds like you have an awesome wife and a great marriage. Maybe once you get your feet back underneath yourself, you may know whether and when to show her what you wrote here. Again, there are tons of people who can give better counsel than I can, but it sounds hopeful to me.
     
  5. wrhinla

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    I have spent much of my life looking for ways to prop up my belief in my own heterosexuality. I would sometimes admit to myself that there was a touch of bisexuality but that I was largely straight. There was much truth to that, but see now that I had it backwards. There IS a touch of bisexuality, but I am basically gay. I have used my attractions to women as a way to dismiss the truth I did not want to face. Evidence I was constantly presenting to myself in my head as if I were on trial. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit to you that all of these women I have dated, slept with, and married prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am a healthy, red-blooded heterosexual man. And all of the evidence to the contrary are scurrilous attacks on my good name."

    And now I look back and think, Why? Why did I waste time and energy on this fight and deny myself the basic kindness of sexual fulfillment?
     
  6. stretching

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    Oh my gosh, wrhinla, that last post of yours could have been written by me, except I'm the female version!! All this time and energy spent convincing myself/believing i wasn't gay. And for what?! Now I'm firmly entrenched in my heteronormative life pining after a reality that should have been.