This is pretty much word vomit. But I had to just get it off my chest and hope that someone can make some sense of my writing. I am new to this forum. I am a man about to be 48 (in 2 weeks). I have struggled with my sexuality and sex in general for most of my life. I think I have always accepted myself as bisexual (I think the science shows that we are all bisexual - just a matter of degrees one way or the other). But now I am questioning whether I am really gay and have been in denial all of my life. I can look at it from one standpoint and say that yes maybe I have been in denial but on the other hand I also know some of my experiences and desires were authentic. Here is a re-hash of my life in regards to my sexuality and why I question things now: 1. I am not one to remember much about childhood but I do remember in kindergarden really liking a boy friend of mine from down the street. Was it more than just a friendship? This was the same boy that when we were in high school, I fantasized about and lusted after his chest. He actually propositioned me once, but I was so in shock that he did it that I just turned him down coldly (plus I had started dating my future wife about the same time). He is openly gay now. 2. Like most boys (many who won't admit), I experimented with another friend of mine beginning in about 5th or 6th grade. We played off and on until I was a freshman in high school. He instigated our initial experience, but I cannot say that I did not enjoy it nor did I stop playing with him. 3. At the same time, I spent junior high and high school lusting after girls, dating, fooling around (everything but home base, unfortunately). And I truly enjoyed the experience. 4. By college, I was committed to my future wife, so I had only a few experiences with women in college. One of those experiences was with a girl I dated one summer when I worked in Yellowstone. She was the first woman I had sex with (even though I had dated my girlfriend for about four years). At the time, I was not dating my future wife. Eventually, my girlfriend and I married. We stayed married for 20 years. 5. Sex with my wife was good, but I always felt I was the one initiating sex and trying to push the boundaries of our sex life. The sex was good, but over time the frequency diminished and because I always felt I was the one initiating, I eventually stopped even trying. At the same time, I was a dick in that I probably spent our whole marriage either trying to or succeeding at cheating on her. While there were women I was interested in, there was still a moral compass in me that kept me from crossing the line and, more importantly, I am not a "ladies" man and am pretty awkward at picking a girl up. So, when I finally crossed the line, my cheating was with hookers. After about 10 years of marriage, I first experienced an Asian spa (with extras). I spent the next 10 years of our marriage seeking out sex with hookers and visiting strip clubs hoping for "extras." This whole time I was also beating off to porn on almost a daily basis. Then at some point, I thought to myself, maybe the reason I really like the penetration scenes (which was the porn I was most interested in) was because I liked what was going into the pussy. So, I started watching gay porn and eventually visited a bath house. My bath house experience was awkward at first but kinda exciting as well. And over the next five years I had sex with men on Craigslist and at gay bath houses. While at the same time, I was seeking out prostitutes (women). Then I discovered that my wife was cheating on me. Which was damn ironic. I was upset and angry but probably more than anything, relieved. It was like a part of me was saying. "I am glad that she can find someone to give her what I can't." As far as I know, she never knew (and still does not know) all of the crap I was doing. Or at least she never confronted me about it. I asked for a divorce and for the first time in forever, I found myself sleeping again (I had been an insomniac for the last part of our marriage). So then post divorce, I continued fooling around (gay bath houses, craigslist as well as strippers and hookers). I also dated a few different women. None lasted more than two months. Four were very sexual. Three I broke off and the last one broke off with me. Though very sexual, I rarely if ever ejaculated with any of them. Which, on the one hand was fine because that meant I could go forever and they loved it. On the other hand, it became a problem with each of them because they thought maybe I did not like them. I did enjoy being with them (inside and outside of the bed) but I do think there was something holding me back sexually. I seemed to be more conscience with them and more mechanical (even though I truly enjoyed it). So, the last woman I was with broke up with me and it was devastating (at the time I was exclusive with her and had not fooled around with prostitutes, etc.). That was probably three years ago and for the most part I had sworn off dating. Prior to dating her and since, I had stopped seeking prostitutes and going to strip clubs (and I have only been to a strip club once since I dated her). I also had stopped hooking up through craigslist and only on occasion had I visited a bath house. But then in the last year, I have visited a few bath houses and hooked up via an app. on occasion. All pretty much mechanical, physical activities. Then the last person I hooked up with was different. Physical, yes, but more emotional as well. And the physical part felt great. I didn't feel like I was trying to figure things out mechanically. I just enjoyed myself. We kept in touch and met again and plan to meet again. He is the first man I have felt romantically interested in (or perhaps the first one I have let myself be romantically interested in). And it has made me want to just say, fuck it, I am gay. But then again, I am just puzzled about my past. I know that there have been times when I could tell you that if I walked down the street and saw 10 women pass by, I would find something beautiful about 7 of those 10 and could conjure up a sexual fantasy about 5. But if there were 10 men walking down the street, I wouldn't notice most of them, be disgusted by a few, and maybe think that 1 was in some way sexually attractive. At the same time, I also remember times when I had sexual fantasies and dreams about being with a man and a few times when I had a weird "gaydar" type urge when I was around certain men in my life. I have been lucky in that I have lived a pretty liberal life and so have been around liberal folks, including GLBT people. I even fought for GLBT inclusion in my local church and at the denominational level (I no longer attend church). I have had friends who were gay and lesbian. But none of them are close. I can think back at the times that I was leading these groups that I consciously avoided getting too close to GLBT folks, like there was something in me that worried that I might be found out. (Of course, I am really not that close to anyone). There is a part of me that just wishes I could move to a new town and start off fresh as gay. While I know many in my life who would be shocked if I came out but at the same time I know that they would be supportive. But I also know some relationships that would be damaged and some organizations I could not continue be a part of if I came out. And then there is the part of me that I feel that I am giving up, that part who did enjoy fooling around with girls as a teenager. Who did enjoy sex with his wife (the early part of marriage). And giving up on any future possibility with a woman. So, I am not sure what, if anything I am asking. Other than just to find someone else who might have experienced these same emotions. And BTW, I know that my sexual activity has been risky in the past. I have played safe at all times and been careful, but I have also slowed down in the last few years so as to minimize my risk.
Hi, and welcome to EC. There are quite a few people here who have been in situations similar to yours, and many others who haven't really come to understanding of who they are until later in life. A friend of mine was married to a woman, had kids, and didn't come out until his late 60s, and is now happily living with his (male) partner. So it's never too late! As for your own issues with sexual identity... I think that is often a byproduct of really deep denial that goes along with getting a lot of messages from family/friends/media/religion that judges gay people. The idea that those in your life would be "shocked" and relationships damaged tends to support this. It is a problem that people in their 40s and 50s experience that many people in their 30s or younger experience much less, because they've grown up with a lot less stigma. As we process the loss of the "normalcy" of our heterosexual self, there are stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Those stages can take anywhere from days to years to go through... and aren't always sequential. The idea of "giving up" the hetero part of self is part of the "bargaining" phase... "OK, I like guys, but I could still end up with a girl." And it's pretty normal to experience that. Only you can really know the answer, but if I were to guess, I'd tend to think you're probably toward the gay end of the spectrum, perhaps totally gay. There are plenty of gay men who have had relationships that were marginally fulfilling with women, but once they truly connect with the right guy, they realize how it's truly supposed to be... and that clears things up. Perhaps that's the experience you had. It's also true that many gay men have real difficulties with emotional intimacy, and so many can connect only on a more instinctual, sexual level, avoiding the emotional connection... so it's quite possible that the guy you connected with is one who is more in touch with his emotional self... and you felt that, and realized it's what you're after. That, too, isn't uncommon. So I think you're in a great place to explore. You might want to spend some time with a therapist and explore this in greater detail. Or, you can simply talk about it here on EC more for a while, and see what insights you come to. Either way, it sounds like you're on a good path for self-growth and insight.
Your story seems very familiar. It reminds me of mine but also of many men I have met at EC. We struggled, denied, hated ourselves, felt ashamed, less than fully a man. . . . All that stuff. I refused to accept what I knew was true when I was much younger. I explained away every sign of my own homosexual attractions. I soothed myself by noting that everybody is essentially bi. Which I still believe to be true, I might add. I dated women, enjoyed sex with them, eventually married and remained married for nearly 30 years. I loved my life, and despite some hard feelings over the divorce, I still love her. She asked me point blank on a few occasions whether I was gay. She had good reason to think so, especially when she found me masturbating to gay porn. Yet I denied it. And I wasn't lying; I was saying what I believed to be true: that I was bi in some abstract sense, but ultimately more hetero than anything else. It's complicated and emotionally exhausting trying to sort of this stuff out. At one point, I came out to everyone as gay, then told them that I had been over-reacting. But my friends aren't stupid; they obviously know that I am at the very list bi. It's funny how we insist on these somewhat pointless distinctions. We are who we are; we like what we like. Who cares what label we use? Now I understand that it's not just a matter of labels. You're trying to get to know yourself, to be clear about who you are and what you want. But I don't think that labels are very helpful in figuring that out. There are several important ways—romantic, emotional, etc.—in which I am genuinely more attracted to women. I strongly question my ability to have that kind of relationship with a man. But I have no doubt that when it comes to sex, I'm more homosexual than hetero. And I have to ask myself what's important to me and whether I can let go of all of those attachments that keep me paralyzed in a state of ambivalence, unable to decide. It's funny, when I was young, I wanted desperately to be straight. I'd think, please, god or the fates or whoever, don't let me be gay. Now I think, please, just let me be gay. I want to be unambiguously gay.
Thank you for the feedback. After re-reading what I wrote, I remembered what immediately preceeded me finding out that my ex was cheating. I remember playing around at the bath house and thinking to myself how much I enjoyed it. And then one night I hooked up witha guy on Craigslist who I seemed to connect with on more levels than just physical. As I slept with him, I thought to myself that I could really enjoy being with him or someoneike him and that maybe this was the life for me. Then I caught her cheating and iy gave me liberty to do a chicken shit thing of blaming the divorce on her and at the same time I reacted by going full hetero by dating and fooling around with women. In the five years since I think I have finally come back to the point where I was before I caught her. Wanting to be with a particular man and coming to terms with my homosexuality. I AM LEARNING TO DEAL WITH IT.
