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The truth

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Dec 22, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    Being on my own, which is something I almost never have a chance to be, makes it possible to get things into the right perspective.


    I know I'm a bit of a broken record lately but EC has been such a valuable place for me to work through my feelings so that I can feel more clarity in doing what's right for me, and following my truth.

    I feel like all I really neeeded was some time on my own to cry and to think, and it does really help me to have that. I have been sitting here in this cafe trying to clear my head for some time now, but then I responded to a message from my ex. And I told him what's happening in my life. That I'm gay, that I need to settle down with a woman. That my husband is a wonderful person but this is just how things evolved.

    It was writing that message that brought it all to the surface. It's like my counsellor said, I'm not mucking about here, I care deeply about my family and making the right choice. And these feelings and my instincts about who I am really matter deeply as well.

    I know I'm making the right choice. It's so painful but it's right. There's really no reason for me to question my decisions. I just need to let myself process my feelings.its going to take a long time to get through the painful part. But I'll get there.

    Thanks for listening if you've gotten this far.
     
  2. Bikermm

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    It will take time but you will get there and be happy. I have no doubt.

    I can't offer any real help or advice but just wanted to reply and send you a (*hug*)
     
  3. Adray

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    My journey has been hard, but I'm glad I am where I am now. Yours is more difficult and complicated, so I can only imagine how much harder it is. Be you, be awesome, you will get there. (*hug*)
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    You will continue to build strength as you purge the hard emotions. Does not make the emotions any less relevant, but it does enable you to progress.
     
  5. baristajedi

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    Thanks bikermm. (*hug*) I do feel in my gut that this path will lead to a happier more authentic life. It's a journey :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2016 at 03:00 PM ----------

    Thanks for the encouragement :slight_smile:

    It really is so worth it in the end, right? at least that's what I expect in the future. Your path has complications that mine doesn't as well, but living our truths is so important.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2016 at 03:03 PM ----------

    Thanks onthehighway, I do feel, very slowly, that I'm gaining strength. I'm getting there!
     
  6. looking for me

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    and there you are. no great process comes without pain, BTDT with my split from the ex but so worth it, and it will be for you too.

    BTW your counselor is correct your not mucking about here, this is you becoming a better more authentic you but it is still you and your love for family and friends, and your love for yourself.
     
  7. Patrick7269

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    I'm so glad to read this! I know it must have been an epiphany to write that to your ex. You seem to be progressing further, faster than what it feels like emotionally.

    At the risk of sounding simple or childish, this reminds me of an Aesop fable.

    A dog crosses a bridge, and glimpses another dog below the bridge. The dog below the bridge has what seems to have a bigger bone in its mouth, and the dog on the bridge becomes jealous. In a bid to capture the other dog's bone the dog opens its mouth, and the bone falls to the stream below and is carried away. Alas, the dog had only glimpsed a reflection of itself and there was never another dog. The dog lost the bone forever.

    Apologies if I'm completely butchering that, but I think you get the meaning.

    I've been guilty of envying straight people, putting them on a pedestal, and assuming that they must have "more" than me. In the process of doing this I lose track of what I already have, and I compare myself (negatively) to the straight ideal, and I feel jealousy. All the while I forget the good things I already have, and I become infatuated with an illusory happiness. The only true happiness available to me begins with what I have right now.

    It sounds as though you may be finding workability by being open about the situation that you're currently in; i.e., being gay, rather than trying to construct an illusion. I also wonder if you are finding a new emotional closeness with your ex, now that there is openness and freedom for you. It sounds like your ex truly is an amazing, supporting, loving guy.

    Way to go! It sounds like you've gotten through some real fear and set aside an illusory ideal in exchange for the wonderful truth of who already you are. I'm really happy for you!

    *high-five and warm hugs*

    Patrick
     
  8. baristajedi

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    You're right lookingforme, there is no great process without pain, anything important that requires change and adjustment will no doubt be painful. And that vision of my future self living authentically feels absolutely worth it.

    I think ultimately we all win from this, myself, my daughter and my (stbx) husband. It's just the path getting there....

    ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2016 at 11:47 PM ----------

    Thanks patrick. It does feel like an epiphany. I've been working (really slowly) towards clarity, but writing it out in that way made it all more straightforward and felt right.

    Just for clarity's sake - I think I relayed my story terribly - the person I wrote the message to was an ex from a long time ago. We're still friends and I wasn't just updating him on my life. With my soon to be ex husband, I've covered all the ground I can in this issue, and I think he is finally getting that this is just the way things are and this is really happening.

    The fable is really spot on. For me, it fits I need two different ways. Before coming out, that was me believing that the straight life offered the things I envied in the people around me, happy family, loving marriage/partnership, and I settled in to the straight life for that reason. Now I'm mourning the loss ofthat life I really wanted to have and tried so hard to build, but never succeeded in doing. But it turns out, if I start iok iokfrom my truth

    ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2016 at 11:51 PM ----------

    Oops that's posted too early, brb with the rest :slight_smile:
     
  9. baristajedi

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    *darn autocorrect - was just updating him; fits my life in two different ways


    And to finish off what I was saying - it turns out that if I start from my truth I can actually have the life I really want, the partnership that feels real and right, the family with that woman (my wife); at this point I don't know if I'll have a wife in the future but I do know I have an amazing daughter and I have the power to live true to me. And that sounds like quite a good life.


    It sounds like you have had a similar experience in what you describe as your envy for the straight ideal. But being ourselves and living our Ruth's, that's so much more rewarding, isn't it?

    With my (almost ex) husband, we are building a new deeper closeness, I'm really surprised at how much he actually loves me, truly loves me no matter what I reveal about myself and no matter what that means for or future (he has taken a lot of time to get to this point but he is showing me that he wants me to really be happy, even though it means we're splitting). Before this, I wasn't really showing him who I am, on a lot of levels. So this really has deepened our bond.

    High five and warm hugs back to you btw (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 23rd Dec 2016 at 12:17 AM ----------

    (That last post was a hot mess resulting from me realising I'd missed my bias stop and jumping off with coffee trailing behind me.... haha, sorry for the myriad of typos)

    ---------- Post added 23rd Dec 2016 at 12:18 AM ----------

    *bus stop

    ---------- Post added 23rd Dec 2016 at 12:20 AM ----------

    *living our truths