I know the title of this post or the post itself might get me some backlash, but being who I am, I'm more than use to being hated by others so... Not trying to offend anyone. I'm a white guy in his mid 40s, a pending ex-wife, and a child. I thought for the longest time I was bisexual, but after alot of struggles in my journey, I realize I am gay, not bi. Sure in the hell not straight. I am something that even in today's society, being who I am is problematic and scary. If had a choice, I would have been born straight and simply moved on with my life, but I wasn't and life is way harder on me. I have plenty of staright friends and such people. They have the normal life issues we all have, but that's as as far as it goes. They don't struggle with the issues I have. They do t know I'm gay. They think I'm straight. If they knew the the truth, all hell would happen and that's my point. If people knew who I was, I would get hurt by their reactions, but if they think I'm straight, friends, co-workers are okay with me. I know this because I have experience it. I wish I was straight. Shit, I'm depressed, need to get drunk, and not feel anything for as long as I can. Being me sucks and being who others will exsept sucks too. I hate who I am and I hate being anyone else. Ye, I'm depressed, I need to getting drunk, and I so need not feel anything right now.
MAX10, I've read your posting history and I see that you've gone through a significant process of discovery over the last few months. It seems that you are beginning to realize that you identify your sexual orientation as gay, and you're evaluating what the impacts are in your life. Naturally, you feel a loss and you seem scared. Not that I condone anything unsafe or wreckless, but I think you need sex with a man both to find out more about yourself and to be nurtured. We as men (in my opinion) tend to underestimate our emotional needs. It seems we're socially programmed to be silent, to be stoic, and to not think of ourselves as needing anyone. You do need others, you need connection, and yes, you need to be touched and enjoy your sexuality. In my opinion this may also be time to work through some internal shame of gay sex itself. Be sexual and find the ways of being sexual that are right for you. I don't think you can change your sexuality, so I'm in agreement with others that you either have to change your location or you need to change your perception of where you're at right now. Please bear in mind that you were raised in a world that expected you to be straight, a world that is homophobic, and a world that has never recognized and nurtured something very deep inside you. So, it's time that you recognize and nurture being gay yourself. I would make that hour-long drive to a larger city and find an LGBTQ resource center. Spend time with gay men, and if you feel like it, have sex. You may find that the right man can touch you, comfort you, hold you, and help heal you. That's not something that can happen here, as much as we love you already. Sex is wonderful and healing, not filthy or shameful. When you are with the right person (if even for a night) it can be liberating, nurturing, and healing. Please be safe and be cautious about who you trust. It may be a good idea to meet for coffee first. My other advice is to love yourself and be very good to yourself. You are probably prone to depression at this time, and you may feel like you've lost your true self for a time. Please get lots of sleep, eat well, avoid alcohol and drugs, and be gentle with yourself emotionally. Please, please reach out to us or a trusted friend if you feel you might be a risk to your own safety. I'm 44 and I know that at times I feel down. It's easy to see the life behind you and think that it's too late, but in reality you are in the prime of your own personal power. You have reached a point where you're wise enough to know yourself, yet young enough to still enjoy yourself. I think you'll find that with a little patience and self-care you will be alright. *warm hugs and a loving caress* Patrick Seattle, WA
This really reminds me of how my mom left our family to go live with another woman. Although having sex for the sole purpose of releasing years of pent up sexual repression isn't healthy to relieve said repression. Substance abuse isn't a good way to cope either. Having anonymous sex (Especially for gay people) is only done out of pleasure. Sex by itself is not love and will never be able to fill the empty void of loneliness. Now, I'm not going to pretend to understand the confusion/depression of ending a X year plus marriage because of sexuality, because I've both never been married or questioned my sexuality. The only thing I've truly witnessed is the how it crippled my dad's trust and stability. But finding someone to talk to about this is important, whether it be putting yourself into gay culture or finding a therapist or finding a hobby to occupy yourself with in the meantime, perhaps exercising. However, as a child who's gay parent abandoned him during the most crucial of times, I do suggest you talk to your children about this, even your friends. Having known my mum hadn't wanted to be with my dad for 20+ years did make my existence/birth feel as if it was a representation of the years of misery she had to fein as a heterosexual woman. But if you can't talk to your children because your ex-wife doesn't let you or if you just can't bring yourself to do so, it's ok. As much as you wish to be straight, you unfortunately can't change the circumstances of your birth, and that's ok. Most people get depressed when they find out they're gay, personally I liked to cope with a nice relaxation method I like to call "crying in the shower begging god to make me straight", but eventually I learned to except myself as who I am. To quote that one sappy add that used to air all the time " It will get better". TLR: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmWtTUjRxig
I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through. I can relate, though I'm much younger than you: I almost got into something serious with a guy before I suddenly started questioning my sexuality. I could be married and stable right now, but I'm now just exploring myself, and getting closer to my "expiration date" if I want to have kids. Depression is a normal part of the process; but don't let regret get the better of you. It's better you figure it out now than later; there will always be something else to regret but you have a lot more life ahead of you. What do you want to do with it? What can you be grateful for right now?
