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Is It Time?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by FL53, Dec 26, 2016.

  1. FL53

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    Hello,

    I am a 53 year old man you had been married to a woman for 31 years, this is a story I have heard and read before- one where I am at a true crossroads in life. Do I continue in s marriage when I know comfortably and can admit-at least to myself that I am gay. In retrospect I knew when I was 20 or before but always but it off that I was in a "phase". Then came the kids and life gets in the way.

    My wife had been my best friend who has known since soon after the marriage that I "experimented" but over the years knows I am at least bisexual, but I can't for the life of me tell her I really am gay. I know it is not fair to her and I feel extremely guilty especially since I am the sole income provider and have been for decades.

    The kids have long grown up and started families of their own and now I see that I need to be happy with myself but knowing it will hurt the ones I love is a very difficult task at hand.

    I am satisfied with most aspects of my life but my sexual identity. I did not realize how intense this can be as I seem to focus on it a lot -and not in a fantasy manner.


    If others have gone through this journey I'd appreciate any input as 2017 is upon us and I want to make the right decision for myself while considering the people I love.

    Thanks,

    FL on OKLAHOMA
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey FL53,

    You seem to be asking yourself the key questions. Now that your kids have grown up and gone their separate ways, do you want to stay in your marriage with your wife because you owe it to her or do you want to go out and finally explore your sexual identity by having a relationship with another man. Only you can ultimately decide this. But it sounds like you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your wife. Don’t you think you owe it to her? I think, at a minimum, you will have to finally tell her that you are gay.

    As others here in this forum can tell you, it is not impossible to have a divorce and still remain best friends with your former wife, but a key element to that is open communication.

    If you think that just having casual relationships with men would make you happy, maybe your wife would agree to an open relationship at this point in your marriage. If not, perhaps you can work together to develop an equitable timeline for divorce and an agreement on providing long-term financial support for your wife.

    Just some thoughts.
     
  3. SiennaFire

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    Welcome to EC :welcome: Hopefully you'll find a supportive community as you embark on your resolutions for 2017!

    Based on what you've posted, it seems to me that you already know what you need to do, and you just need a nudge to help get you there.

    Given that you identify as gay rather than bisexual, I feel that the best option for you is to come out to your wife and separate so that you can start living an authentic life. Unfortunately it's difficult for me to convince you to make this jump other than to point to the stories of the people here who have come out and live authentically today, myself included. Once you work through the process of coming out and separating from your wife (which won't be fun), you'll be able to discover who you really are. Life will get much better. You'll be happier and more comfortable with yourself. You'll go wow when you cuddle with your BF.

    Another option is to open the marriage as the previous poster suggested. Another and my least favorite option is to do nothing and continue living in the closet.

    Should you decide to come out, you may find the following blog helpful -
    Preparing to come out to your spouse as gay
     
    #3 SiennaFire, Dec 26, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2016
  4. Confused54

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    FL53,

    It's definitely not easy to tell the woman you've been married to for so many years that you're gay. I got to that point last August, when I just blurted it out one night when I was feeling really down. The first few weeks after were challenging, but in a strange sort of way I came to love her more than I had for a long time. We started talking more about meaningful things. She pushed me to see a therapist, which I did even though I've long held very negative feelings about any sort of therapy or counseling. It helped, especially after I opened myself up to actually talking about what was going on in my head.

    Our kids are also grown and on their own, and are completely accepting that their dad has come out. My wife has turned out to be amazingly supportive, even though we've filed for divorce. In our case, we're going to continue sharing a home and business. To an extent it feels like an open marriage, but without the marriage. I don't know how that's going to work out over time, but neither of us wants the financial disaster that divorce can bring.
     
  5. FL53

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    To all who responded, Thank you! I had already planned to talk to my wife which as indicated will not be easy. I believe we can work this out and it will not be an emotional and financial disaster as u have led myself to believe it is. I just need to be fair and honest with her. I will say that believe it or not u have always been faithful however difficult it has been but integrity has always been a key element to Bing

    Again, thanks for the input.

    FL
     
  6. MOGUY

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    I wish you the very best FL53. I was about the same age when I came out to my wife as bisexual. Sometimes I feel like I'm more gay than bi. Seems to depend on how the wind blows, so to speak. My wife of 38 years is my best friend and I have pledged to be with her all my life. But I am very glad I came out because it is an important step to achieving peace. For me personally, I did not feel I must have physical relations with a man to live authentically. There are others here who have made that same commitment and they inspired me to do the same. Is it easy? Hell no. But for me, it's worth it. Perhaps it is for you. But you are the only person who can answer that. I wish you the best!
     
  7. Chip

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    One suggestion I can make is Joe Kort's wonderful book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love", which has almost nothing to do with finding real love but everything to do with understanding yourself. There are several chapters in the book that address heterosexually married gay men that I think you'll find helpful.

    It takes a lot of courage to take the step you're taking. Keep in mind that your wife undoubtedly knows, at some level, what's going on for you. It won't necessarily make it any easier, but this is something that hopefully gives the two of you a bridge for understanding.

    Please keep us in the loop with what's going on.
     
  8. justaguyinsf

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    Be sure you think hard about what your goals are and be realistic in what the effect of coming out would be. I think some folks in the gay community tend to downplay the struggles that come with being a gay man. For example, how would you feel if you came out and never had a partner or boyfriend? You might want to talk to a divorce lawyer about what to expect financially if you come out ... would you have to pay your wife support for the rest of her life, for example? Factor in the worst case scenario and not just the best case scenario when you are deciding. I think it's commendable that you have stayed with your wife and raised your kids to adulthood, so in that sense now is a good time to come out. I would urge you however to try to gather as much information as you can about gay culture and life before you come out so that you can make an informed decision.
     
  9. Mr B

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    I come out a couple of months ago and I wouldn't underestimate the emotional impact that this is going to have on her. It is going to turn her world upside down, you are literally pulling the rug out from under the life she built with you over decades and was meant to be forever from her point of view, if she really loves you. If you are really gay, the best way to understand it is to try to imagine that you build a life with another guy that you think wants to be forever with you and after two or three decades he tells you that he's never been really into men would prefer to have a hetero relationship. The point is, if she is hetero and loves you, the relationship mean a lot more to her than it means to you. If you want a good outcome, you need to understand this first and be willing to be very patient and supportive throughout the aftermath when she will be going to go through all sorts of extreme emotions. Just don't take it personally and keep a cool head, it gets better. She will need time, its all new to her, you had years to deal with it. After things cool down you can slowly start considering your possibilities. I am slowly getting to this point now. In my case, I would say that my coming out turned our relationship around and we now have a much greater degree of openness, communication and intimacy. I suppose that its the biggest test ever that you will subject your relationship to, if it survives, nothing else will break it. Lastly, I would like to mention that there is an element of fairness involved: she deserves to know that you are struggling with your sexuality, then she will be in a position to take her own decisions regarding the future of the relationship. Coming out means rolling the dice, giving away the sole control over the situation, but also, its a massive relief and you will notice how quickly you will change internally and evolve through the whole process.
     
  10. Weston

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    I agree with Mr B, but at the same time, don't lose sight of your own goals. Think where you want to be in, say, two years' time, and work toward that.