Last night I went up a meetup, and it didn't occur to me as a big deal until I showed up, that this was the first time I've ever gone to an LGBT meetup that wasn't set up by the LGBT centre. That doesn't sound like much of a big deal but i suppose that the LGBT centre meetups are always meant to be a "safe space" and everyone's kind of going through some challenges in connecting to the community, so it does feel quite safe. This was more like meeting up with people who are pretty much out, confident, relaxed about being LGBT, and I don't know, it's kind of like taking off the training wheels. I'm fairly confident at this point in my identity so that side of it didn't really occur to me until *those* questions came up... There are always questions which lead me to needing to either lie, misdirect or share the really vulnerable aspect of my identity - that I'm coming out late in life, just now going through a divorce from a man, and that I've led a straight life until now. I've become so used to telling my story that I've forgotten how scary it can be in certain contexts. But when it came around to the questions (with 2 different people) like 1- do you live alone? And 2- what brought you to (this city)? I took a deep breath, and went for it. It was really challenging telling my story. And there was a point where I was not yet ready to delve into certain aspects when this woman (who I think overheard me telling someone else), blurted out something about "my husband" loudly. I was quite annoyed that she would out that part of me to the table. But I regained control of my story, and layed it out in my own words. I felt really good that I faced up to the challenge and was honest about who I am, no apologies. The reactions were fine mostly, in one case, supportive, encouraging; the other case the woman was interested and engaged, but the third woman (the same who blurted out "husband"), she seemed to treat it more like gossip. She jumped over to our side of the table when I was telling someone else and joined in. She was way too excited by my life story in my opinion. But it was the act of me being able to do it and being open about who I am that feels good to me right now. It was uncomfortable and intimidating. But I did it and I feel like it's another step in growth.
Way to go baristajedi! Congrats! Can I ask what "genre" of meetup was it? Was it more along the lines of a social setting, as in, food, drink and talk or more centred around a specific activity? The reason I'm asking is because I also recently went to a LGBT meetup and there weren't any such questions. The event I went to was at an ostensibly gay pub but the advertised meetup was to play a pub game so there was some concentration required for that. There were only a few of us due to the weather and the time of year, I suppose. The conversation was pretty easygoing and it was mostly about the extreme weather, traffic, city issues and other non-personal topics. The most personal anyone got was asking where my grandparents came from. (They were comparing "old country" customs. ) I'm not sure what I would have done if they'd gotten personal as I'm not out but I guess I lucked out this time.
Thanks Really! It was a pub meetup and just conversation, drinks, etc. It was with a group of lesbian and bi women for the most part which meets up to make friends, meet each other to potentially find romance, etc (I think the guy version of this was supposed to be part of it as well, but it turned out to be 99% ladies). I would have found myself totally frozen st those questions at an earlier point on my journey. But these questions got really deep into my story. Once I mentioned to the second person that I'd just started coming outs but over s year ago, she said what made you come out? That was hard to answer... I talked about my daughter, my need to be me, things that have brought my orientation to the surface at different points, coming out first as bi to my husband, then gay... I didn't know how to share that stuff, it felt uncomfortable but I think I was honest and real. And that felt good to do so. ---------- Post added 27th Dec 2016 at 12:58 AM ---------- *a bit over a year ago
Oh right. It's primary purpose was meeting people to make friends or more. Which I guess any meetup could be but the focus of mine was the game so, obviously, less likely to get personal so early. I suppose I should figure out what I'd be willing to share and how to say it with confidence. Hmmm. Something to work on... Do you think their questions were pretty much what you find on here but the lack of anonymity makes it harder to share the answers? Or were they more probing than you've been asked before?
I can help you try to think about how ou would want to answer questions you're nervous about. What are the things that you would feel embarrassed or vulnerable about revealing? In my case, at the meetup, the questions didn't seem invasive or too probing; in context were quite normal. But what I found challenging was that I have this worry of being judged or exposed in some way. It felt like that at first in LGBT centre meetups too, and after a lots of times going back and finally just sharing things about myself, it started to feel less daunting. And it was beneficial as well, because it helped me gain confidence and opened the door to making good friends. I'm hoping these new experiences lead to similar results as well.
Congratulations! like you said taking the training wheels off . My guess is over time as we become more comfortable with our identities and our lifestyles follow suit, activities and events will be less and less structured.
Thanks but I'm not even sure where to start. I can't picture what someone might ask that wouldn't seem slightly rude if asked out of the blue. In general, I'm very private so this is no different. If I were in a "trying to meet someone" situation like speed dating, for example, I would definitely need to be prepared to answer those types of questions. Also, as I've never gone to any support groups/events, i have no experience with these conversations in real life. Did you have some specific tips?
Some general tips: Most people are open and supportive when you open up to them, ans even if they aren't, you build confidence by sharing things about yourself honestly. It's challenging and emotional but it benefits you enormously. Most people have their own secrets and they want to open up about them too, so you sharing your story will perhaps comfort them or enable them to open up. Great way to make friends! I've made some really good friends, even a straight friend at work, by coming out and sharing my story. Those friends felt enabled to tell me things they haven't been able to share with others. Go to as many meetups as possible, just like anything, the more you do, the more comfortable you will become. Prepare yourself to answer questions, think about how you want to wors your uncomfortable truths. Think about questions that will lead to you needing to essentially reveal things and think aboutvhow to understand will word your answers. Take small steps to do the things that you find intimidating. No matter how small, a step is still forward motion, and you should be be proud every time you make a step! If I think of more, I'll add more. Let me know if you think of specific things you find difficulty answering. I like coming up with strategies ---------- Post added 28th Dec 2016 at 12:22 AM ---------- *how you want to *word* your uncomfortable truths ---------- Post added 28th Dec 2016 at 12:23 AM ---------- *how you will word your answers
another step in Growth; that it is my friend. you are growing by leaps and bounds. don't worry about the gossip and the man shaming, you will get that in the lesbian community, and woman shaming in the gay community (I got that one since I was in a hetro marriage). but there are more people who are not like that than there are, like that.
Thanks lookingforme I'm still intimidated sometimes but I do feel my sense of confidence is growing, I've come this far, I'm not going to let judgment stop me. It's uncomfortable and challenging but I feel at this point I *have* to be true to me, it's necessary.
