Scared of 'hetero feelings coming back - is this just a stage of coming out?

I have read a couple of posts about people who are bi and swing 100% in one direction or the other. I have certainly had times before accepting myself that I felt the gay feelings had 'gone away'.

But once I fully embraced my gay feelings they became stronger than ever, I have never felt so intensely emotional and happy. When I finally accepted that I wanted to be gay I can't describe the wave of ecstasy that came over me...

Recently I have started to have fears that I might get hetero feelings again, i unconsciously look at a woman and become a little excited. My thoughts might wander off to a little hetero sexual fantasy.

This really scares me - I don't want to get back on that emotional roller coaster, and the hetero feelings aren't even remotely intense (like 1/10th that of gay fantasies) but they are enough to create doubt.

I don't want to be bi, I don't want those feelings anymore!

I just want to fully embrace my homosexual feelings.

I never thought I would be saying this when I first came here but I KNOW I am fully gay and and I know these (hetero) feelings are not part of me.

Did anyone experience anything like this?

 

Thanks baristajedi, this is very helpful and helped me calm down a little.

I guess I have been been a little anxious because I have been trying online dating and haven't really had too much luck yet.. i started to think maybe its just a fantasy. But now I realize I need to move beyond online just go to some LGBT meetups like you've done.

I thought about it it a little today - I spent years trying to suppress my gay feelings, deny them, and even try to redirect that sexual energy towards women, so it's not surprising that I might still do things reflexively. I also realize those long periods (before coming out to myself) of not having gay thoughts and fantasies were the result of repressing them.

after thinking about it a little more I realize I was over reacting a bit- I was afraid my gay feelings were going to 'go away' but then I just realized I they are not just feelings it's who I am, and a sense of peace came over me.

I guess this was just a little bump on the roller coaster, not nearly as wild ups and downs as before, and its just another step in fully embracing my sexuality.

 

Yes! Coming out has been very slow for me and I was just thinking that just doing online dating was a hidden way of giving into to doubt. I wanted to wait until I had a romantic experience to come out to friends.... and implied in all that is "what if I am wrong and I am not really gay".

I didn't think I had that doubt still lingering but obviously I do and the only way to dispel it is to take real steps in the real world. Online was a baby step.

But when I really think about it, its not really doubt. I know I am gay. Even though when I complained and doubted and feared, the day I came here and said it I knew there was no turning back, deep down I knew where I was going.

I think it's just scary. I have read posts here about later in life people who were repressed and had that first encounter... how they practically collapsed to the floor or felt this incredible energy.....I know when I do finally do finally even kiss a man I am attracted to, that it is what is going to happen.

---------- Post added 28th Dec 2016 at 07:13 AM ----------

Yes as baristajedi suggested I have to do more than that - not rely so much on that and tie that to my identity.

I also realize its silly I can accept that I'll fantasize or look at a woman once in awhile, its nothing like the intensity of feeling i have about men, and I don't even consider it enough to be 'bi'.

 

It's scary but I do want it to happen! It's more like the jitters.. like a bride feels on her wedding day, except we don't have a formal process, and we have to figure it all out.

But it just occurred to me why I need to also start reaching out and being part of the gay community as well. Being online taught me I am not the only one going through with this, but I need to experience that in real life as well.

 

Thank you baristajedi, I can't tell you how comforting your words have been during this... when I am about to give up, give into doubt, i check in here and read your posts and ... you have read my mind better than I did and said exactly what I needed to hear.

I have been trying to control my coming out too much! I thought, well first I'll meet someone (online because that's safe, I don't have to go out) fall in love with them and be so secure with them we can can come as a happy couple to my friends.

I have also been waiting for validation and confirmation - but I realize that was stealth doubt - I won't tell my friends until i find a serious boyfriend, because otherwise, I might be wrong and then I would embarrass myself, after all didn't an old girlfriend just call me last night?

I realize that I really can't control coming out, I just have to do it. I am gay.I have to start living that way. someone is going to find out before I 'officially' announce it. I might have to tell friends before I find a boyfriend. I might never find a boyfriend. but even if I don't I never will if I continue to suppress myself.

 

Thanks Chip, this has been the case with me. When I first came here I thought I just had gay fantasies, but the more I accepted myself the more they became about romance and relationship, and making love with a man, not just sex. Then I realized they weren't "fantasies" they were visions of where I wanted to be and who I am.

When I first started coming out it would be a roller coaster wild swings of denial and "I am not gay" occasionally getting off on a hetero fantasy, but each time I swung back to my true, gay self, the gay feelings were stronger than ever and the next swing back to denial/hetero was weaker and weaker.

I no longer fear those hetero fantasies, I just see them as part of mask I wore for a long time- a mask I tried to wear even when looking in the mirror, that are just fading away.

 

I just wanted to update this thread that this has been the case. My fear of hetero or bi feelings or lingering doubt are all but gone.

I have realized that thought of having sex with women always sort unappealing, it was just something I was trying to like because everyone else did. I also realized that I was highly conditioned to look at women from junior high on "Hey check her out.. you don't think she's hot, what are you gay" and that I consciously repressed looking at men, for fear of being 'caught'.


I see women now and admire their beauty and femininity but I am doing it a lot less, and it doesn't bother me or make me doubt. Especially since I am checking out guys now - it took a lot to overcome that.

I love being gay :lol:

 

Sometimes I can't believe the fears I had or rationales that I was not gay. Looking back , I probably had more fear of the emotional roller coaster and the doubts and anxiety when coming to acceptance.

Yes it's still just as powerful as the first time I said it. It's the realization of intense intimacy and emotional connection that I can only experience with another man.

The 'choice' is to pursue that or go back to that bleak way of living where such feelings just aren't possible.