Like almost everyone here, I have struggled to understand my sexuality, going in circles: straight? gay? bi? In the end, I would always conclude that I was really straight because that, of course, was the answer I wanted. I dismissed all evidence to the contrary. It has been exhausting. Anyone who could have heard my internal monologue would have said, "When is this schmuck going to figure out that he's gay and just accept it?" But until now, I hadn't admitted to myself just how afraid I am. I am afraid of my homosexuality, afraid of abandoning a self-image that has protected me, afraid of losing the emotional anchor of heterosexual relationships, and afraid of how others will judge me. And every time I confidently vow to come out to everyone and live the truth, I become terrified of the consequences and hurry back into the closet. This fear is pretty much the only thing that stands between me and a life of feeling at home with my sexuality, a life of being honest with myself and everyone I know. I run from this fear and think of myself as a coward for having done so. And the fear of other people's judgments isn't that anyone I know thinks homosexuality is wrong. It's the fact that they will see me as being someone other than who they thought I was. That they will also judge me a coward for having hidden being the mask of heterosexuality, including a long marriage. I worry that they will conclude that my homosexuality undermined my marriage, which is undoubtedly true. They will judge the failure of my marriage solely in those terms, which is not true. They will think that I deceived them but not understand that I was mainly trying to deceive myself. I actually did work up the courage to come out to my wife and a few friends about four years ago. I had hoped that that was going to be the first step in an ongoing process. The collapse of my marriage convinced me that I had made a mistake, so I retreated again into denial. Amazingly, my friends accepted my equivocations, or said they did. Only my wife could see through them. I very much want to come out, to be a self-respecting gay man, to not hide from the truth or worry about what others think. I need to find the courage to move forward.
The most important thing I have learned over the years is not to let fear control your decisions. There are people now who don't like you. You will always have people that don't like you for one reason or another. At some point, you have to accept yourself and begin loving you just for the real you. You may lose may friends even family, but once you are living as yourself, you will make new friends that know you for you and like the you that you are. I can't say it will be easy because it is the hardest thing a person has to do no matter what their gender preference is to be - accepting and loving yourself. It has taken me 45 years to get to that point, and I look back and see my life half over and all that wasted time I spent pretending to be someone I wasn't just to please others, to save face, to avoid being shunned or disowned. That road was much easier because I didn't have to face my fears. I let life run me instead of living my life. So I understand where you are coming from. But it sounds like your wife knows the truth and accepts it and may even become a good friend after you take the stand. Do you have children with her still at home? For me my child is the only reason I will not yet start living the life I want. But even so, my life isn't bad or dreadful. As most of us who are older know- marriage isn't all about sex. Luckily I married someone I actually liked as a friend, although he has always and still feels it is more. We have a decent marriage by most standards. We all sacrifice things in life. I look at life differently than most I guess. But one thing you said bothered me - How or why would they or should they see you differently? I guess I have never understood that sentiment. I am the same regardless of my sexual preference/orientation. Outside of that realm, giving the same decisions in my life, the choices would have been the same. My character, my personality is me regardless of the rest. Those who choose to see otherwise, really didn't see me then, did they? You are the only one who can decide what is best for you. Is the happiness- the self you see yourself as, worth leaving the past behind. For me, with the exception of children in the picture, there is no more decision. I have to be true to who I am. Whatever comes, happens. But nothing can be such torment as the fear you place upon yourself while in limbo. You just have to take the leap, jump forward. Really - worst case - you lose friends, you lose family, but you will most definitely find the real you and you will make new friends. Don't let fear be the obstacle. It has no power but what you feed it. Embrace the fear and it will disappear, or stay as you are and embrace the life you chose.
Thank you for that thoughtful response, bunnydee. You are right of course. I agree that I shouldn't let fear run my life. But I don't think I acknowledged until now that just how much I was doing exactly that, and I don't think I can get past the fear until I confront it, examine it, and let go of it. I think that letting go of old stuff that doesn't matter is one of the big challenges for me right now. I mean above all letting go of a self-image I cultivated. I was desperate to be heterosexual and convinced myself I was. And it was because of fear. I do not have children, and my marriage is over. So at this point, nothing but fear makes me hesitate. I'm sure I'll get over it. I believe that I'm ready to accept myself as I really am rather than who I wanted to be. ---------- Post added 28th Dec 2016 at 06:35 PM ---------- There are? What do you know, bunydee? I want names!:lol:
Well if you don't have any, you can borrow some of mine. lol Just take the leap, create a new self-image of the true you. What really is the worst that could happen that you can imagine? Face that and mentally and no more fear. I know it is easy said than done. I will have no more excuses when my youngest is grown. But right now at this moment - I look forward to finally living my life and not what everyone else expects me to be. That for me is peace, happiness, joy, all that is good. Even if I never find the special someone for life, I have me - no more hiding, no more lies, none of that. A wish for the New Year is that you may find the love in yourself to have the confidence to overcome all your fears. ---------- Post added 28th Dec 2016 at 11:29 PM ---------- * a lot of mistypes - no and before mentally easier said than done and not being what everyone Geesh, I must be sleepy.
Good for you for doing the soul searching to realize your fears, and acknowledge what is holding you back. I think it's totally legitimate to be scared of the unknown. And now you can face your fears and move forward if you so choose. I too am afraid of some of the changes that I will have to face when I am an out gay person. But on the exciting side, i am eager for other parts of what that reality will bring. All the best as you move forward in this journey!
I'll write more later but for now I might recommend reading the autobiography of a gay man and his journey of self acceptance "My Thinning Years: Starving the Gay Within". Another good one is "The Velvet Rage". More later, but please know for now that your fear is in direct proportion to your courage and what you have to gain through authenticity. It may not feel like it right now but you will be alright and you will win your freedom through your courage and uncertainty. *warm hugs of encouragement* Patrick
Good for you, man! I can't see myself ever making an announcement about my sexual preferences, just as I would be uncomfortable if my family and friends started telling me what they like to do in bed and with whom. My credo is to live my life as a gay man without fear and tell whomever on an as-needed basis (not really necessary since I have been single for a long time). I know that goes against the gay orthodoxy that is often stridently pushed on us. I guess I'm a "reformed" gay man?
You raise an important point. Who really cares about what I or anyone else like to do in bed? And I'm not thinking in terms of announcing my homosexuality to the world. I do intend to inform friends, but in a fairly low-key way, one-to-one. If nothing else, that will them trouble of them suggesting available women for me to date. That happened to me on Xmas eve. I just said I wasn't interested in dating at the moment.
Fear can be terrible, but if you let it decide your calls, they will likely end with more emotional pain. I too was terribly afraid for a long time, but at some point I understood that if i don't come to terms with who I really am, and continue to hate that part myself needlessly, that is a dead end. One's relationships with others are a reflection of one relationship with oneself, and as long as that is faulty, one cannot offer healthy love outside. "Be weary of the naked man who offers you a shirt" . The first step in loving yourself is accepting yourself. Then the rest will flow, others will more readily accept you if you are confident and accept yourself.
Totally agree with your initial statement above. I have never and will never understand why it is or should be so important for any person to discuss their sexual orientation. Really who goes around asking straight people "Are you straight"? It is nobody's business. If you want someone to know, tell them; if not, don't. My concern and comments related only to yourself. To thyself be true.
I have always lived with this idea too, that my sex life is no one's business but my own (and the people I'm with), but I realize now that I've come out to myself that the implied assumption of heterosexuality in our society (including that assumption that i placed on myself) led me to delay exploring my truth for so much of my life. Perhaps if it had been a more open to talking about it (as young people seem to be doing today) I would have acknowledged my gayness a lot sooner. Just a thought...
To me, there are two main reasons to discuss your sexuality with others. (1) In our current heteronormative society, I HAVE to state my sexuality in some form or fashion to any prospective Partner. and (2) I choose to state my sexuality to close friends and family 'simply' so that they won't be shocked if I say or do something that is directly related to my non-heterosexual nature. Do I think this is "right"? Do I think this is the way is should be - that non-heterosexuals should have to clarify their sexuality? No, of course not. But it is the reality that we currently live within.
I remember back in college there was a button that said: "How dare you presume I'm heterosexual!" I loved it, but lacked the courage (or self-confidence) to wear it. I wish I had it now—thet button, that is, though the courage and self-confidence too.
Hi, thanks for posting this very honest portrayal of coming out. I have been reading a lot of your posts and I can relate to so much; I am not married but, have been in denial for decades, and it scared me a little to read that someone could come out, stall for four years.. but I thank you for writing this because it is going to help so many people, including me. Do you think it was only the collapse of your marriage that led you back into denial? ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2016 at 11:10 PM ---------- I can relate to so much of this. I 'came out' to myself finally, over the last six months but even though I admitted to myself I was gay, I didn't admit how afraid I was. it's so strange we want it so much but we're so scared of it!
I suppressed my gay feelings for decades, I finally, at 49 , came here and said "i think i might be gay' and a tsunami of emotion came out. Before I admitted it, it sounds funny, but I didn't realize how gay I was. I spent decades bottling it up. its amazing how right it feels to my mind body and spirit to accept that I am gay and finally , if only in the privacy of my own home, think about being with a guy without fighting it. it feels so right but I have spent so many years putting up mental barriers that I don't even realize what they are, so I totally get your feelings about having to get past the fears. I was avoiding masturbating and doing stuff like gay porn because I wanted to 'save it' for a guy but now I realize that was yet another way of suppressing it. porn can be destructive and prevent true relationships -but like alcohol, sometimes it can be a good social lubricant -it's all in how you use it. I think i am going to take your idea of having a gay porn as a way of getting a little more comfortable with my sexuality. I need to start living gay daily, not just building up energy for a 'hot date'
The fear of what other people would think about me, and how me being gay would change their view of me, is exactly why I stayed in the closet, got married and had kids. You are not wrong with that fear. Coming out WILL change how people think of you. It's true and we can't sugar-coat that part. No matter their acceptance or lack thereof, people who know you will have to adjust their view of you. It took me a long time to reach a point of deciding that me being true to myself was more important than what anyone else thinks. It's not easy to reach that point, I know. Keep working on that. Take care. ride:
I was where you are for a long time -- deep in fear and deep in the closet. Last August I finally admitted to myself that I'm gay. I came out to my wife. That was not a fun experience and led to me seeing a therapist for a few sessions. The next month I came out to a handful of friends and acquantances I only see once a year at a conference. Nothing happened. Then in October I pretty much came out to the rest of the world in a Facebook post, to a business networking group I belong to, and to the members of a service club I also belong to. I got a surprising amount of positive comments. Am I different now that I've come out? Yes and no. There's definitely one aspect of my identity that's changed (straight to gay) but the rest of the core of who I am is still there inside. Do I make a big deal of being gay with everyone I meet? Of course not, it's none of their business. Do I enjoy feeling free to have sexual experiences with other men? You bet. Do I have nagging feelings about divorce after 35 years of marriage? Certainly. Coming out, coming to grips with who you are, is a process. It's hard to overcome the fear. Whether that fear is rational or irrational, it still grips tightly. But I know I feel much better about myself now than I did in the months immediately leading up to coming out.
Thank you Confused54, findingjoy and I'm gay. I think I'm actually less fearful than I was a few days ago. But who knows? Tomorrow I may be more afraid than today. I go through a lot of emotional changes in the course of a day. Most of my days lately have been up ad down, back and forth. I had lunch today with a friend I have had since high school. He's someone I thought I could never come out to. When we were students, his father was in the closet and we all knew he was in the closet, but I don't think he ever knew that we knew. I'm sure it was a painful experience for my friend, although we all adored his father. A truly wonderful guy. And I always worried that I couldn't tell my friend that I was gay because he might at some level wonder if I had slept with his father. (I hadn't, but fantasized about it plenty.) Anyhow, I didn't come out to my friend over lunch, but there was a funny moment at the end. We were talking about getting older and he made some remark about being in denial about aging. I said that I had been in denial about a great many things in life. And at that moment I became less afraid to come out to him. I was actually hoping he'd ask what I had been in denial about, and I would have answered honestly. And I'm sure it would have all been okay. And if I can come out to him, I can come out to just about anyone. I actually came out to my wife, brother, and several friends around 4 years ago. Then, like the groundhog, I saw my shadow and went back in. So I'm at least, say, a quarter of the way there. Now the trick is to not back away when I see my shadow. The fear usually manifests itself in the form of doubts. I'm sure you have had this experience, no? I start to think of all of the things I like about women. All of the ways in which I want to be in their company, maybe even sexual. And so the doubts return. Not for long. It used to be that I would gladly welcome those doubts, use them as reassurance that I was by and large straight, at most bisexual, etc. I'm getting better about that. I see that I'm trying to negotiate my way out of having to fully embrace the fact that I'm gay. I see that can stop struggling unnecessarily over this. I know i will be much happier once I am living my truth. I silently celebrate being gay. Rejoice in how wonderful it is to be gay. To be fully in tune with my sexuality. And then all of the doubts find a way back in and the process starts all over again. So at one level I'm completely ready to just come out once and for all and get on with my life, but at another level still trying to work myself free from the invisible ropes I tied myself up in. Happy New Year! And a gay 2017 to us all!
Hi wrhinla, I posted a while ago and promised to write more, so these are my thoughts. Sorry this took a while; just holiday stuff going on. I think sexuality is much more complex than what we would like to assume, and when you're trying to make life decisions based on how you identify this can be really challenging. I'm very much toward the gay end of the Kinsey scale, but every so often I meet women that I just "click" with. Although this isn't a sexual kind of attraction it's enough to make me uncomfortable at times. Could I have had "enough" attraction for marriage? Would life have been easier if I had married a woman and had kids? Would it be worth it? Would I feel authentic? In my case the work to be done was to accept being gay since I was pretty clearly gay. For others identifying their orientation is the first challenge, then comes accepting what they find. To me, being gay is like living in a world where the planet Earth revolves around the moon, not the sun. While everyone else basks in the sunlight and just "knows" that they are on "the right" planet Earth, my planet works differently. The days are a different length, the light is different, and the planet just feels different overall. Of course I can see the same sun as everyone else, but I don't revolve around it. I don't know how good that analogy is, but that's what coming out does. If you are ready to accept a reality that you define and that you are prepared to defend, then you may be ready to come out. But if you don't think you can stand on your two feet and firmly say that your truth is different, then don't. Like Quantumreality, I believe that coming out is important if you know for sure that you're not straight. Living in a different reality does indeed make you different, and that's not a trivial thing. Loving yourself starts with understanding those differences. On the other hand, you would still essentially be the same you. Of course coming out doesn't alter who you already are, but it does change the dynamics around you, as you saw when you came out to your wife and friends four years ago. You've had a taste of coming out then, and you may have felt that feeling of being different. That might also be where the fear and hesitation originate. I think it's somewhat of a consolation to realize that in reality everyone lives on their own planet. Our "reality" (norms, mores, customs, expectations of life) is created strictly by convention, and straight people sometimes grapple with who they want to be as an individual versus what's conventional. If a person is comfortable not being conventional, will work to understand who they are as an individual, and can present that individual to the world, then in my opinion it's time to come out. Patrick
I don't have much advice to give you unfortunately, but I read your post and it really made me just want to give you a pat on the back. You'll figure it out, the most important thing is that you feel ready and comfortable with telling other people. You shouldn't start coming out before you're ready for it. You seem like a very reflected person, so I think the only thing you need to learn right now is to accept yourself, and to not be so scared of the change which coming out to yourself and others would bring. Would it really be so different? And if it would be different, don't you think it would be different in a good way? Best of luck <3
