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Your thoughts please...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bunnydee, Dec 30, 2016.

  1. bunnydee

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    In your opinion, would it be okay to go to a LGBT meetup just to meet and make friends with others? Or is that really for those looking for a relationship or hookup?

    I am not no where ready to come out to family. But I have this overwhelming sense of excitement and peace about finally accepting myself as I am. I also know myself well enough that if I don't have some kind of support system, I will start debating myself back into denial. I need people around to reaffirm every now and then that I am okay - fine - acceptable. Does that make sense?

    Don't get me wrong, coming here is great! I just having a very hard time keeping this to myself. Or is that another symptom in the stages of acceptance - that it isn't real until you tell someone?

    I wish my kid was already at least 16 and I could start my life. I don't know how I am going to get through the next year rather less 5-6. I don't want to be wishy-washy and go through acceptance - denial over and over. I just want to start my life. I am actually looking forward to life when I have forever just been here if that makes sense.
    Has anyone else gone through this?
     
  2. Blue Pigeon

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    I say do it.

    I only say do it because I moved out to where I am about two years ago after coming out and this is the first place I've really lived "out" completely. I met my GF shortly after moving here and never went to any of the LGBT meet ups that I was so excited about.

    I keep WANTING to go even now just to meet new friends who are, ya know, like me. But I cannot get the gumption to do it because it seems like those groups are just for meeting potential hookups and my plate is so full anyway between my relationship, job and hobbies.

    Get out there and do it. Then report back to me and encourage me to do it too.
     
  3. Creativemind

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    I don't see the issue. Right now, I have no interest in relationships or sex, but I like to talk about LGBT issues with others.
     
  4. findingjoy

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    absolutely; many meetups have people just coming out.. or just looking for like minds. just to meet and make friends is the point!
     
  5. bunnydee

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    Thank you for responding.
    That quickly, my mind is filled with self-doubt about my life. After writing the op, I was looking through some other posts and ran across these two things that have my head whirling.

    1) http://emptyclosets.com/forum/3214026-post14.html post stating
    "Doing what is good, or what is right does not mean that it will necessarily lead to happiness. Doing what is right leads to what constitutes a life of quality, harmony or excellence, words which define attitudes to life that we have all but forgotten."
    2)http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/greatwhale/10460-reconciling-love-desire.html
    I went to this to see what else greatwhale had to say and watched the video.

    Basically, I am doing tilt-a-whirls wondering why on earth would I think it is okay to be so selfish as to hurt someone I do care about greatly - my husband, for my own desires. I have a stable, secure life with someone who genuinely loves me and is a wonderful father and man. What more can anyone hope for in this life? My selfish desire to have an intimate, emotional, sexually gratifying relationship should not be at the expense of someone else. As said in #1, doing what is good and right does not necessary lead to happiness. I made the choice to marry this man, I took vows. That means something to me. So it is wrong of me to even contemplate otherwise. I can accept who I am and live unhappily contented and do what is right.

    uuuuughhh I hate myself right now.
     
  6. stretching

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    Oh wow, did i ever go through these same feelings of intense guilt and fatalistic thoughts!!! Especially at the beginning. It is so hard to process. So many feelings coming from so many places.

    I still feel the guilt about thinking about leaving my husband. But becoming even stronger than that is the guilt that I am lying to him about something so important to me, and that i am not able to be the person that he needs sexually. We are great life partners, but maybe We both could have a chance to find someone more fully compatible if he knew the truth abput me....
     
  7. bunnydee

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    Thanks. I am all over the place right now. Are you still married? How long have you accepted yourself and going through this decision process?
     
  8. findingjoy

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    bunnydee, I greatly admire you for saying this. I have no right to comment about marriage because I have never had the bravery or good fortune to enter into one; but gay, straight, confused, whatever, your husband is lucky to have a wife that takes their commitment seriously.
     
  9. YeahpIdk

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    I don't think that would be bad. Definitely go to meet ups. Try going to ones that do something around a hobby of yours, or is just a get together. You're definitely not expected to find someone to love. It's for exactly what you're needing - people getting together to be with other LGBTQ people because it's good to have the community/support.

    And yes, it's so hard not to tell someone. I was lucky enough to have my bestie to tell and help me through it in the beginning, but I came out pretty slowly to friends, and then my parent. It's a big thing to go through, so needing to tell someone other than an online forum is totally understandable!
     
  10. Really

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    From what I can tell, the primary purpose of the meetups is just that. Make friends and do fun stuff. Not hookup. I think it'd be pretty easy to tell from the description what the intentions of the group are.

    I can tell you about my one experience if you like.

    I'm a member of a lesbian meetup that does a whole variety of "events". From going to movies and having a bite to eat, to going cycling for a couple of hours, to going to live shows to simply meeting at a bar or restaurant to sit around and talk. The one time I went was centred around an activity rather than food and conversation, my preference currently. There was conversation, of course, but none of it was LGBT related, which was perfect for me at this point, and nobody was checking anybody out :wink: despite one of the member's profiles stating she was looking for new friends and lovers. :eek: She did not act like that sounded, at all.

    I don't know if any of them would become friends but it's nice to know that I could recognize someone next time I go to something. I'd say give it a try. You don't have to share anything you're not prepared to and you can easily not go again if you don't like it.
     
  11. WarmEmbrace

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    In US the people are more educated I'd definitely go for it :slight_smile:.

    I'll try to offer the a "flip side of the coin" view on the experience if there are readers that happen upon this thread from different parts of the world. If you happen to be in a more harsh and unaccepting environment, where there meet-ups are like a grand total of two, in a 3.5 million people city, you actually need to be super careful and do a lot of scouting before showing up. I have learned that most people in the few open support groups here, (aside the organisers who are professionals and mean well), are in deep trouble, in some cases homeless, with critical health issues and without the financial means to seek treatment. They can't afford the medical care they need, can't afford individual psychological therapy, they have super sad stories and are indeed in dire need of help.

    It is best to help them while still protecting yourself if you can, because there have been just too many cases of trangender folks who meant well have opened up in these meetings, and some of the attendees who were worse off financially then took advantage of that in mutiple ways, they backmailed the people who opened up them for cash, they demanded to be let to live in one's house else they've be publicly outed as transgender... which again, I understand their desperation and why they do it, and they deserve all the help you can and are willing to offer, but a line has to be drawn somewhere and being emotionally abused or blackmailed for cash is absolutely horrible.

    So if you do want to help them make a donation to the organiser but don't actually show up there, instead go online and be very deliberate about who you trust to reveal your real life identity to.

    Now, of course, not all of them are like that but the odds that in a group there are more than a few that would sense you being vulnerable, and will take advantage of you is high. And you can't even be upset on then, a drowning person will cling on and take another one with it, it is just a fact of life.

    Public listed meet-ups and openly gay clubs in Bucharest are only one or two, usually a trap in this aspect. Most quality, level headed LGBT people are still not publicly out over here. Sad state of affairs but still better acknowledge it rather than sticking the head in the sand.
     
  12. wrhinla

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    As to your original question, I can't imagine what possible objection anyone could have to just showing up to meet people. I'm sure that a lot of people go for the exact same reason. I have been thinking of going to one here. I think it's important to meet as many different kinds of gay men as possible—serious ones, funny ones, nerdy ones, charming ones, ones I might want to go out with, and ones I might never want to see as long as I live. Because I think only then will I be able to see that I can be me and be gay.

    You have spoken several times about your husband and child, and these are clearly the matters most on your mind. I see the sense in your plan to stay until your kid is older. I also understand not wanting to lie by default to your husband. When I think back to my own situation, I think that my wife was every bit as in denial as I was. She asked me a couple of times earlier in our marriage and I denied it, but I think the truth was abundantly clear to both of us. Maybe at some level your husband get it but doesn't want to acknowledge it? You said he was content with unexciting sex. Who knows, maybe he's keeping a big secret from you!
     
  13. bunnydee

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    This made me laugh. Thank you. :icon_bigg
    I have often wondered if my husband was closet gay. I think that was part of it with him, feminine qualities, slight mannerisms, sometimes how he walks, lack of sex drive. What man can settle or not even express interest for a month between sex. I am grateful for that but really? I have a very nice sex drive, just not for a man.
    But wouldn't that be an ahhaa haha moment! Both coming out to each other.

    ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 10:02 PM ----------

    adding in - I don't think we have ever passionately kissed either. I know my reasons, but hey you really may be on to something. No, just dreaming for a reason out I guess.
     
  14. wrhinla

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    I have sometimes thought that a partnership with a lesbian or bi woman would be great. We could fill whatever emotional needs we have for hetero nesting and then have same-sex partners for sexual bliss. In fact, the first person I ever came out to, when I was a freshman in college, was a women I had known way back hen we were in junior high together. We both came out to one another as bi one night. We had a nice relationship, not boyfriend and girlfriend exactly, but people who shared this particular reality and now and then had sex. I was recently thinking how much I'd like to see her again, just to compare notes on how our lives turned out.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2017 at 04:24 PM ----------

    But as for your husband, he could be so closeted he doesn't even know it himself.
     
  15. bunnydee

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    I thought about his last night a lot.

    It would be great if we could do what they are doing in Japan recently from what I have heard. Gays/lesbians are placed in arranged marriages with opposite gender gay/lesbian then the two couples live together where behind doors the two gays are together and the two lesbians are together. In public, they are man/wife couples.

    In America I don't see that working because we do not have arranged marriages, and because how hard it would be to find two opposites that would agree. Also if a gay/lesbian were already married, I see issues.

    Using my marriage as example if my husband was gay - there is the friendship connection and yes sex 1xmonth, but there is not any physical connection as in hand holding, kissing, cuddling, even sitting together we do not do. For me that is hell - I am a very physical person and it has been 13yrs now since I have had anyone to just be romantic with - the kissing, cuddling, laughing, touching. I have often thought of having an affair just so I could have be touched or hold hands or any loving act not related to having sex. But that is against my values and I would never cheat on my partner. So I feel lonely in that aspect 99% of the time.

    But if we were to agree to allowing an open marriage as a gay/lesbian, I see the issue or question of what if I found someone and he did not for any length of time or vice versa. Then I think the friendship would die out as one person would be getting the love and affection they need, but not the other. The remaining partner would not feel the isolation but it would be in their face the other was happy. That makes a sad life as well. So I don't see that as viable.

    So, I see no viable answer in that respect..

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2017 at 11:32 PM ----------

    * NOT would not feel the isolation - should be would feel the isolation
     
  16. wrhinla

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    No, it is probably not a viable answer.

    It's funny what you say about the couples in Japan. One of the ways I knew for sure that I was gay was when a woman I knew told me about a friend of hers to wanted to try a threesome or foursome. My friend turned the other woman down, as I would have done as well. But the point is that anytime I think about that scenario, I'm thinking about what I would like to do with the man, not the other woman. The women are free to do whatever they like in my fantasy, including watch, but I'm going down on that man.
     
  17. bunnydee

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    I am still trying to figure out a way to meet some LGBT friends irl.
    Okay so checked online - absolutely no local meetup groups.
    Checked fb - there were some pages, but no posts on them for over a year. I think the LGBT community is either in hiding or non-existent where I live.

    so any other suggestions for finding like minded people irl? You know when I was in denial, I always was meeting or running into LGBT. It just happened even as a kid. That's how I became friends with so many. Now - no one. wtf? Fate is having a laugh.
     
  18. Really

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  19. bunnydee

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