Tell me it gets better?

Yes it will, and it will get better starting with the moment when you fully accept you , as you are, without resentments, when decide to let love take over .
Love yourself, and you will be able to love others as well, in a healthy way. Depending on others for that love and validation is also giving them too much power over you.

Hating and not appreciating yourself will poison the well of your love towards others, there's no way around it.

---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 03:34 PM ----------

It is wonderful to have the love of those around you, but never make it into something that you absolutely need to get in order to survive.
That strength of self appreciation has to come from within.
*hugs*

 

This sounds like great advice!
baristajedi, I don't have much to add accept (*hug*)

 

I can't tell you things will get better, but know you're not alone in this.

I know those days all to well. Before I even starting accepting myself, we have had issues in our marriage. Nothing violent, but I absolutely hate arguing in front of our daughter. We are both at fault because I also could control my anger and take it to another room or outside, but don't.

I have felt so many times I would be a much better parent, we both would, if we lived separate/divorced. I even went as far as looking at apartments online. Tbh, six months ago I was on a marriage forum trying to find out what was best to do.

What are your reasons for staying?

I haven't lived these out yet as these are things I am currently going through myself. I continually go between - staying is right because she has her dad and me full time; to she would be better, I would be better, we all would be better if we weren't a family unit all together. It's tough being a parent in this situation and even tougher with the acceptance of ourselves issue.

So me to a tee. Well, I know I probably didn't help at all. I just wanted to let you know there are others going through this with you. I don't have the answers. Tbh, even if someone has gone through something like this, their life isn't your life and it's just not the same. What worked or works for one, isn't always the correct way for someone else. Only you can really decide what is the best course for your life and your daughter.

 

a bad marriage, and a child who is your world. got ya there friend. my son is my life and i had the bad, abusive spouse, at least yours is trying to do the co-parent thing.

i also know what you mean about the hiding, deflecting, editing........et al. it does get easier, leaving the marriage allowed me to know that i am in fact queer, and that led to the truth of my gender...... and with out that stress, pain, and strife it did get sooooo much better, living my truth as an openly queer person is so freeing as well, so that does get better too. your path is similar to mine but with it's own twists and turns but it does get better, even about our genders, time and patience is so useful. it kind of has to doesnt it? these are our truths, and like i keep saying; "understanding and acceptance is desired but not required." IE; this is my truth and i will live it regardless of what others 'opinions' are.

hang in there hun (*hug*) it does get better and you've made so many positive steps to get to there.

 

I've been separated from my children's mother for 18 months now. Things weren't great anyway, and with my sexuality being back on my mind a lot, I had no desire to continue in the relationship. Thing have finally calmed down a lot and we are getting along better. She has dated several people and seems genuinely serious about someone now. Me, I'm kinda frozen in place. I feel there are things I need to do to make myself "dateable" and anxiety and self worth problems make things that much more daunting.
That said, I don't regret the relationship ending at all. I have no friends, so there is really nobody outside of family to even be out to, but at least I finally feel more free to just be myself

 

I hate to hear when people feel that they have to do things to make themselves more "dateable". While self-improvement is a good thing, accepting yourself as you are is equally important. Try to strike a balance between acceptance and improvement.

Perhaps in 2017 you may want to spend more effort trying to find somebody who can love you for who you are today. This might entail looking for love in different places or sites. I wasn't having great luck on a particular dating site, so I tried another and met my current BF.

 

it's just the doubts that creep in when I'm having a bad day...on those days I'm left wondering have I passed a point with my daughter that things can't really improve for her?

my son was in our abusive situation much longer, and he came out OK, your daughter is much younger and even more able to adjust and learn that things can be healthy. although counseling for her might be useful, useful for you to in regards to learning healthy coping mechanisms since anger isnt healthy for the most part and if your like me you've learned to go there first in dealing with stress, especially from your ex. both you and your daughter deserve better.

 

bing right there, that's a control issue. he gets to say hey im the calm one, she's the angry irrational one..... i've seen this one done before, and he knows it presses your buttons to make you jump whenever he wants you to. hun, while you may have anger/frustration issues, this guy is pulling the strings, i bet he says he's "ok" with you being gay but it really hits his masculinity, and ego, and maybe his self perception. i mean WTF i married a gay person? what's wrong with me, and why couldn't i make her straight..... just supposition of course. but i've seen similar before.

---------- Post added 1st Jan 2017 at 11:13 PM ----------

i wonder if he's afraid that a counselor will let your daughter be ok with mommy being gay and maybe getting another mommy with you rather than just him.... (stray thoughts)

 

Uggh, my soon to be ex husband and I also had a blowout fight last night and our son heard. I had a long talk with my 8 year old today and he understands that mommy doesnt like men and that we want mom and dad to both be able to be happy, but its hard knowing the family trips and stuff wont happen. We took him to Disney 16x since he was 13 months and did 3 DIsney cruises, the last being 2 weeks ago, most likely our last trip as a family. Its sad but staying trapped is worse.

 

Please please make sure his subconscious mind does not accidentally pick this aspect up the wrong way. That mommy not liking men does not in any way translate to you not loving him because he is a boy and not a girl. That you love him unconditionally either way, and gender has no bearing on it whatsoever.

My mom being depressed about how my dad was acting, and me being very emotionally attached to her definitely contributed to me hating myself for being physically a boy, ( because it meant on some level that I was after all same as my dad, which in my mind at that time was the bad guy).

Much love though these tough times.
(*hug*)

---------- Post added 2nd Jan 2017 at 02:23 PM ----------

though was supposed to be *through*

 

My ex didn't have control issues in any obvious way, but I used to find myself having to keep my feelings inside for fear of upsetting him, as he was hugely averse to even the slightest expression of conflict. As a result, people saw us as the perfect couple, because we never argued, and if pressed would have described me as the controlling one and him as excessively compliant. It took my current therapist to point out to me that this was the underlying dynamic in our marriage, because for ages I didn't see it. I just kept saying "but he's a good kind man, how can I possibly leave him?") Unfortunately my son, who lives with him, obviously picked up on this method of responding to his dad's emotional state, and is tiptoeing round him, helping keep him emotionally afloat, rather than my ex doing it for him.

As far as being gay is concerned, your ex sounds just like mine. He told me I should concentrate on therapy for all my other issues first, such as low self-worth, and once these were satisfactorily resolved perhaps I would feel more comfortable with myself, and maybe realise I wasn't gay after all. He suggested that my mental and emotional state could be put down to a combination of struggling to come to terms with the death of my mother, and the loss of my job (both of which were highly traumatic and occurred close together), and the fact that I was also struggling to cope with the effects of menopause.

 

such gentle control as dismissal of feelings and making you avoid conflict are in many ways worst than outright, you do X... because they seem reasonable, or make you question am i really feeling what im feeling... ive been down the road with all 3 plus physical control, IE; getting hit, things thrown, etc. im no angel because i do have a temper but i always gave in wither i liked it or not. in fact i only acted to get out when my son was in danger from her.

things like gaslighting, dismissal, avoidance of pertinent issues is in many ways more insidious than overt control issues because it gets in our heads and we only get to see it when we get the perspective of distance, i couldnt really see it till i got on my own and could talk to a therapist about me, and now instead of going from crisis to crisis in the relationship.

 

I don't have anything to add, except; It will get better for you Jedi, I know it will.

 

That is my husband right there. gaslighting, dismissal and avoidance. It drives me absolutely insane.