When I first came here in May of this year, I had been fantasizing about guys for years but I was in deep denial. As deep as you can get: I attributed my gay urges to a masturbatory fantasy/fetish/'miswiring' - i had accidentally thought about a guy when masturbating as a teen and ejaculated, but it was like a Pavlovian response. (yes I really thought that, or at least I told myself). I would feel guilty for literally weeks , sometimes months after having a sex fantasy or masturbating about a guy. I dated women and looked at women on the street, not guys, so I couldn't be gay right? Then one day, on a whim, before masturbating about a guy, before I felt the rush of guilt, I came here and posted that I thought I might be gay...it was the first time I had posted or admitted that anywhere. I couldn't believe how good I felt- the rush of positive emotion, the joy, happiness... it was amazing.... and also really scary! I withdrew, went on an incredible roller coaster, posted threads here about why I wasn't really gay.... I would read posts like this from SiennaFire and thing, yeah, well, maybe for you... Now on the last day of this year, I am planning to go to a gay bar tonight and already have some gay meetups planned for next week. I have been online dating and flirting but more importantly: I feel incredibly happy to be gay. I love being gay. My confusion is gone. I now think about men sexually and romantically. And its not forced like I tried to do with women. I feel more in touch with my emotions and self than ever. Before I was apathetic, even depressed. Why couldn't I get the energy to date (women) I asked myself. Well, duh! Now I can see a future, I am motivated to socialize, to date, to love. I no longer have guilt about masturbating to gay fantasies, and because I no longer have to fight or deny them my orgasms and fantasies are 100x times as intense. Incredible change IS possible! Happy New Year everyone. (!)(!)
Love this post, findingjoy. It sounds exactly like me. And, yes, the orgasms are damn near cosmic in their greatness! Ha! You're right. Incredible change IS possible.
It's always great to hear success stories. Congratulations on your acceptance and thanks for sharing findingjoy! Looking forward to your future post about having a BF (!)
Your post gives me hope. I'm still mired in confusion. About all I know is that I'm not able to have orgasms thinking about or being with women. I'm hoping to unravel all of this and both have good sex and an easy dating experience without having to think about what I'm feeling and is it right or should it be something different.
Me too! Thanks SF, I was looking back at my older posts and I can't even believe I wrote them. The 'excuses' and rationalizations are laughable, and I was making myself miserable the whole time. I was trying to think of when and why things started to change. I think once I came out to myself, doing 'gay' things like online dating, allowing myself to fantasize about men sexually without censoring myself came so natural and felt so good. Its like I was finally walking in a pair of shoes that fit me.. but for some reason I kept trying to put the shoes on that didn't fit. At some point I just got tired of fighting myself, and that's when I started to think romantically about men.... wow! (!) The way my whole body responded at the thought, like every cell in my body was voting YES! ...Once I allowed for the possibility, there was no turning back. I know I have a lot of challenges ahead and I still have to take some bold steps, but the internal doubts and struggles are all but gone. ---------- Post added 2nd Jan 2017 at 08:51 PM ---------- (*hug*) Thanks! And thanks everyone! It was reading other stories and all the advice I got here that helped me have the courage to do this!
Congratulations findingjoy ! . Very inspiring. You overcoming that inner voice that tends to put one down is a super major victory
