So there's a woman, well there's a few women who have been occupying my thoughts lately. It's unlikely that anything will happen with any of them for various reasons, but when I think about them or when I'm around them... it's kind of taken me back to where it all started and it's making me realise why I'm going on this path to begin with. If you haven't seen my story before basically what I've been wrestling with lately is accepting the separation from my husband (which is decided; we've been working very slowly towards it, I'm just finding it really painful to accept). When my husband and I decided in July to separate, a lot my needs and my feelings about my identity got pushed to the background as I tried to process the emotions of the separation. But it seems now I've reached a point where I'm starting to feel in touch with me again, my needs, my feelings. Something has changed, without me really thinking about it, some part of me has opened up again to my own needs and feelings again. And when I think about what I'm feeling, it's not just desire, it's a piece of my humanity, a natural part of who I am, a part of myself that I've denied, ignored, pushed away, felt so much shame about, angst, fear. For much of my life, it's made me feel different, alone, wrong, broken. But I want to feel these things that are real and raw and natural and part of me. I want to fully experience life, love, intimacy, desire, pleasure. Thinking about her eyes, or her soft lips and curls, it's not trivial, it's not just sex and desire. Allowing myself to be me, and to feel and experience these things, I deserve and want that in my life. There's nothing selfish about needing to be me, and fighting for that need. I want my daughter to see her mother fighting for my authentic life. So I'm back to where it all started, at every point where I was aware and open to seeing who I am, when I had my first crush; when I tried to let myself come out in my 20s, when I realised I needed to see and acknowledge this part of me a year and a few months ago. But now I've gathered more strength and stubbornness to take the path o need to take. ---------- Post added 2nd Jan 2017 at 03:45 PM ---------- *path I need to take
Wow. looks like your getting things squared away in your mind. perhaps the argument you had the other day lined a few things up? you do this for you, to be who you are, and your daughter will see that and grow to be an even more well rounded person. the person i had/have a crush on but cant start with for a few reasons lets me know that its right for me to be Bi as an orientation.
Your daughter will be fine. She has you as a mom, so she'll grow up to be strong, independent, kind, and caring. Just like mom.
The argument, talking it throughout in the thread, your insight, a lot of of buildup of other feelings, it's all helping things get squared away in my mind. (*hug*) And about those feelings for certain people, it's too bad when we can't start things with them, isn't it? Is it definitely off the table for you and your crush? I'm hoping to maybe see if things can go somewhere with one of the women I'm interested in, nothing serious, just getting to know a new person, spending time and having fun. ---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2017 at 01:29 AM ---------- *talking it through ---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2017 at 01:30 AM ---------- Thanks so much cluster (&&&), those are really encouraging words.
yeah it is too bad, but I can still keep him as a friend. I know things will work out one way or another but he lives in the city over an hour away, and I really cant get in to build a relationship with anyone in there because of distance and TBH expense, besides he doesn't drive so it would be all one way and im afraid that i'll resent it. having a friend like him is fantastic and I really don't want to jeopardize that for some hope, so I'll admire his heart, and body from afar.... lol
I understand all of those things regarding the crush. But it is great to make a good friend and it's fun to continue to admire him from afar The women that have caught my attention might be women I could date...I just have to kind of feel out the situation/s more. One is a coworker, and I've no idea if she's bi or straight (she's mentioned ex boyfriends, so not gay). But I swear she gives me signals. And it's about things that have really taken me ages to be comfortable expressing, like she seemed *really* intrigued when I wore a tie to work.. another woman is a mutual friend of myself and my ex so...that's messy. And the other woman I'm wondering whether a good friend of mine is developing a crush on. So... I don't want to hurt anyone in the latter two situations... so I'm on the fence about what I should consider doing, in terms of showing any interest in either of them. The scene here is small though, it's hard not to end up in those I bids of situations. ---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2017 at 02:03 PM ---------- *those sorts of situations
yeah, some of those could get messy for sure. but like you say, small scene. there's only about 500 thousand people in our whole province, so our scene is tiny. and i really dont want to stir anything up so im being careful and making sure anything i do is in my best interests, and i would hope anyone i was starting with would do the same for them, and hopefully our interests walk the same path. i know he's pretty open and accepting but im not sure if he'd be open to being with a trans girl, even if he's bi. he does lean towards men though.
Does he know anything about your gender identity? I know you have other reasons for not wanting to date him, but if that's one of the biggest reasons, maybe consider opening up a little to him. In the end, someone will fall in love with you because you're an amazing person, full stop. And you never know he may be that guy.
awww,thanks hun. (*hug*) he's known about me being bigender pretty much since we've met, about 2 years. and I showed him a pic of me done up with makeup and wig and told him my name. he seemed genuinely happy for me:icon_bigg he really is a great human being. add to that, there has been a trans man and a trans woman that I've had dreams/fantasies about in the past couple weeks.....
He sounds like a great guy, at the very least a good friend and who knows, maybe at some point, something more Hmm the latter 2 folks you mentioned sound like they could be interesting :icon_bigg ---------- Post added 4th Jan 2017 at 09:59 AM ---------- I remember you mentioning you live far from LGBTQ stuff, but it sounds like you are connecting a bit with other trans folks, how did you manage to find ways to connect?
there's trans support group in the city at the university, I connected with them from the pflag group where I met my crush. and I get to the trans group a few times a year. I am also active on the facebook page we have for both of these.
Oh that's great! I'm glad you've got that support. Are the people you meet in the pflag group a mix of ages?
sorry for the late reply, missed this one, haha. mostly younger people but a few older folks, im usually the oldest though, so there is that bit.
I'm really glad you've found that support system, it's so crucial. I was chatting with an old friend yesterday (a friend from home who has been out since he was a teen), and I said I'm lucky that I'm in the city I'm in because coming out at this age here, we've got a really big support system available for adults (not just teens). I don't know how I would have gotten through the last year and a half without it.
i know i wouldn't be as far as i am, and certainly not out about my sexuality let alone where i am with gender, without Pflag and the Trans* group.
