Hi Everyone, My story is quite a long so will try to keep as brief as I can... I'm 39 and have finally accepted that I am gay mid last year which has proven to be the biggest life challenge. I guess I have always known but never truly accepted it. Now, at this older age, I think it's extremely difficult as I am filled with regret and confusion. about 6 years ago after having a few failed relationships with females, I met a younger guy who was gay (the only one I ever knew at that time) and we became good friends and eventually in a "relationship". All the while I was still convinced I was Bi and this relationship would go on until an opportunity to find a wife came along. He new how I felt and went along. Things were good for the first couple of years and eventually disintegrated into constant fighting about any and everything and general unhappiness. I was trying to get out of it and start a family and he was not getting what he wanted from the relationship. It is worth mentioning that we live in the Caribbean where being gay is far from being accepted, making living an open life extremely challenging. So for the 6 years I was never really 100% in the relationship because I was not accepting of myself until last year when I finally accepted I was gay. With this new reality the level of confusion, anxiety, jealousy & regret escalated to a new level. I decided to end the relationship because I was not happy and was trying to understand and come to terms with living this new life. After about 1 month he came back asking for us to give it another try which I agreed. To date, whilst the relationship has improved we still have very little in common and are clearly at different places. I am filled with regret that I didn't accept myself sooner. Jealous that he and his friends know other gay people and have had so much more experience that I ever had. I know very few people in the community and being in a relationship is very limiting. Also, all the adolescence feelings which were never allowed to be free when I was younger are constantly manifesting itself which is very overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like a teenager...39 going on 19! This is proving to be THE biggest challenge ever! When I think back on how confusing life was before acceptance, I feel even more confused now. My bf and therapist says that time will make things better and eventually everything will fall into place and I need to stop obsessing. This is a very difficult thing to do as I have this overwhelming need to be "fixed" and settled, like yesterday. I am only out to 2 of my friends and a few of his gay friends and having thei support is great. However, I believe they don't understand the many, many challenges of coming out later in life. So that's a very condensed version of my story...any perspectives, advice?
I think your bf and therapist are right; however, you may find you need to indulge your adolescent fantasies in order to work your way through them, and this may or may not be consistent with your remaining in a relationship with your bf. It's good that you already have a few friends and connections in the gay community. Work on building those connections, and also, guard your heart — it's all too easy at your stage to "fall in love" with the first guy that comes along.
Thanks for your reply! And that's just the thing...I fell like I am in this relationship because he was the first guy who came along. We have been trying to work through the last few months and it's a consistent battle especially because of my many issues And yes, perhaps you are right..." need to indulge your adolescent fantasies in order to work your way through them"
Hey freedom101, I’d just like to offer some comments to you for perspective. First, age-gap relationships tend to have real challenges, depending on the age differences and the maturity levels (and/or unequal maturity levels) of both partners. It sounds like the relationship that you described is between two people who are too far apart in their experiences and life goals to really work right now. Second, I’d like to offer a second-hand story for you from a precautionary standpoint which is rather the opposite of what you’ve done, but perhaps how you could be feeling/tempted at the moment. As Weston said, people that Come Out later in life tend to want to make up for a perceived ‘lost’ youth. My closest gay friend, H, got a new boyfriend, G, almost 20 years ago. H was in his 40’s and so was his newly Out boyfriend, G. G had been married and had two kids. He had never explored his homosexuality until very late in life. After he became H’s boyfriend, G explored a second Youth and totally immersed himself in the worst aspects of Gay culture – promiscuity, drinking and drugs. He ended up becoming a drug addict and driving himself away from H after about 10 years. As a result of his drug addiction he also lost a prime spot in the management of the company that he worked for. Sad story. But true. Just some perspective for you.
thank you Quantumreality for your insight. the story is indeed a sad and I thank you for sharing. Yes the age difference could be a factor but just with me coming out at a late age, and him coming out in his late teens, there is a huge gap in our experiences and thought processes. I'm not saying that I want to go out and sleep with every man that comes along and would never get caught up in the "wrong" circles, it's just that 39 going on 19 and dealing with repressed feelings which are now manifesting itself is a constant battle that I think only a person coming out late can understand.
Hey freedom101, I understand the battle that you face, but things will truly come in time, especially now that you accept that you are gay. In fact, because you are a more mature 39, even though you feel like you are a 19 year old starting his first real exploration of sexuality, you have the ability to ‘learn the ropes,’ so to speak, and adapt appropriately to your new reality much more quickly. Instead of focusing your thoughts on what you missed out on or how things could have been different, why not try to focus on the joy of just living without lying to yourself about who you really are anymore? In other words, instead of possibly going down the path of regret or trying to live as if you really were 19 again, how about appreciating the fact of the life experience that you actually have which separates you from a 19 year old? Our sexuality is only a part of who we are. Even if your sexuality is your main focus at the moment, I’m certain that you can list a whole host of great experiences and valuable lessons-learned in your life that you can continue to build on, so don’t throw any of those away by going overboard in your desire to explore a side of you that has been repressed for all these years. My 2cents. Just saying… Best of luck!
Hey Quantumreality, Your 2 cents is very much appreciated! And your point is taken "focus on the joy of just living without lying to yourself about who you really are anymore" I think I have lost focus on this somewhere along this journey so thank for pointing it out! Trusting things will improve in time!
