Last night I started thinking about things a bit. When I started coming out 1 1/2 years ago, I felt a lot of regret, like I'd wasted south of my life. But the closer I get to being my authentic self, the more comfortable I feel with the past as well. If I can fight for and live according to my truth from this point forward, it's easier to look back and see the journey in a better light. I wasn't always in the closet fully. Maybe I didn't ever let myself really come out fully ubtil now but there were some times in my life when I was more true to me, both with my gender and my orientation. Until 10, I was really me, mostly with no apologies (gender; sexuality was really not a factor then) The preteen and teen years were very much closet years, but from 18-26 I explored a lot of my feelings, made some little steps, some pretty big steps as well. From 26-36 those were pretty deep closet years as well. But now I'm moving forward and living my truth. It's not like all of my years were lost. I learned from every single thing I've done or experienced in my life, and the best years are ahead of me, with my daughter (my heart), and me living my true path. Can anyone relate? Have you started to feel differently about your past when looking through the lens of being in a better place on your journey? ---------- Post added 6th Jan 2017 at 01:45 AM ---------- *wasted so much of...
Hello! Yeah, I can relate. The more I continued on my journey of being myself the more happy I became, when I was late teens (eighteen-nineteen). Then, during times of real depression, I remember looking back at my school years with a bitterness that I'd not even felt then! And yeah, I guess remembering how I was when I was nineteen helped me realise that I wasn't always bitter. Or defined by others. I really wish self-acceptance was *linear*. Like, the moment you start accepting yourself, it only gets better from there, forever. But, there are setbacks (not always! But life is not smooth for everyone) sometimes. Even so, I'd like to believe that the progress you made from 18-26 must have taught you something. Do you think that the thought of it helps you now, or can you not remember?
You're right, self acceptance is not linear, there are setbacks and we realise we need to learn new things sometimes as well. I do think my progress from 18-26 has been helpful. I identified my fears at that point, I tried to come out, so that's kind of like practice, I spent a lot of time in gay bars, flirting with women, and trying to let myself kiss or go on dates with women. That has given me a larger motivation to push myself to do the things I didn't when I was younger. I also gained comfort in at least being near and around LGBT folks, which probably helped in my acceptance of myself in the long run. I did a lot of gender exploration and questioning too which helps those puzzle pieces fall into place a bit. Where do you feel you are on your journey?
the hilly, rocky and twisted path we walk to coming out. first to our selves then to others, and again and again. a truly life long journey. for some it's easy and straight forward and for others not so much. I knew, to much of a degree when I was a teen, but buried it for survival, then an abusive marriage (not so much at the beginning but for much of it) then determining to be open to "what ever comes...." and having my revelation moment, then acceptance, then questioning gender..... oh boy what a road. and it's the same but different for all of us. looking back these past few days even, I can see times where my queerness sort of bubbled up, but I quashed it down as hard and deep as I could. all of these instances led me here and were hard in the moment and looking back,but im so glad that I am here now with my personal acceptance, that of my family and peers. (about my sexuality at least) and im even looking forward to becoming a more authentic me.
One of the interesting things I've noticed is just how differently I feel about guys and women. My relationships with women, I seemed to enter into from a place of being "tired of being alone". It felt good to have someone paying attention to me, so I just kinda rolled with it. I've never been in a relationship with a guy but have had attractions over the years and I can see now just how much more organic those feelings are. Nothing I planned for or expected, just genuine attraction. Also, growing up I never allowed myself to think about guys in a sexual way. Now that I have given myself the freedom to do that, I can see how the thought of being with a guy gives me that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling that women never really have.
I've just started the process of coming out last month after years of fighting myself. I don't need to tell the whole world around me quite yet I'm bi, but in time, maybe. I think it will get easier as I grow more comfortable with opening up about my sexuality to others. This is a process, no doubt. Its taken me a lifelong time to come out to myself.
I have always known I'm different and since 8 or 10 I suspected gay. I've been out since 22 and today I'm 44. I feel good about coming out when I did but I deeply regret the impact of internalized homophobia and shame. At times I've been too guarded, too careful, too worried about pleasing others. My family was abusive and deeply homophobic in the 80s and 90s. Today I feel good that I'm out and I remind myself that authenticity came at the price of coming out. At times I feel a little disoriented because there's no life script for middle age gay men, sadly in part because of the AIDS epidemic I think. I have a wonderful blank page to write on and a bit of writers block. When I look back I'm really proud of how far I've come but I remind myself that I am always creating myself and not to waste time on sorrow or regret. Patrick
I feel like fighting so hard for our truths makes the result, of feeling we've reached a more authentic life, so rewarding. Youre a fighter, lookingforme, I admire your strength and bravery in finding you. ---------- Post added 6th Jan 2017 at 05:58 PM ---------- This sounds so much like me but in the reverse. I entered into relationships with guys because they were comfortable and offered familiarity. And i didn't let myself see women in a sexual way either. But now, being with a woman whom I like makes me feel so warm she fuzzy, in a way that I didn't feel with men. ---------- Post added 6th Jan 2017 at 06:12 PM ---------- You've made some huge steps already, and it has taken me so long to come out to myself as well.. It does get easier with each step. You'll know in time who you will need to share it with and how to reach that step. ---------- Post added 6th Jan 2017 at 06:16 PM ---------- I understand what you mean, that there's no script for middle aged gay men. It's how I felt about coming out late in life; I knew people who had come out in their teens or early twenties, but had no idea how to come out at 36. And you're right that we're always creating ourselves and there's no point in wasting time on sorrow/regret. ---------- Post added 6th Jan 2017 at 06:18 PM ---------- (*hug*) back you bunnydee!!
I do think my progress from 18-26 has been helpful. I identified my fears at that point, I tried to come out, so that's kind of like practice, I spent a lot of time in gay bars, flirting with women, and trying to let myself kiss or go on dates with women. That has given me a larger motivation to push myself to do the things I didn't when I was younger. I also gained comfort in at least being near and around LGBT folks, which probably helped in my acceptance of myself in the long run. I did a lot of gender exploration and questioning too which helps those puzzle pieces fall into place a bit. Where do you feel you are on your journey?[/QUOTE] My own coming out 'journey' started when I was near the end of school, in my last year, and continued into my first year of uni. But when I was 19 I fell into a deep depression. Not caused by my sexuality, but it honestly had an effect on how I saw myself, my self-esteem, and my wish to interact with other gays or pursue relationships. Years later, I'm over the worst of it, but sadly not completely past it, or the doubts etc ... I'm rediscovering the importance of sexuality in life, you could say.
My own coming out 'journey' started when I was near the end of school, in my last year, and continued into my first year of uni. But when I was 19 I fell into a deep depression. Not caused by my sexuality, but it honestly had an effect on how I saw myself, my self-esteem, and my wish to interact with other gays or pursue relationships. Years later, I'm over the worst of it, but sadly not completely past it, or the doubts etc ... I'm rediscovering the importance of sexuality in life, you could say. [/QUOTE] I had things in my past (not related to my sexuality) that really impeded my journey too. The truth is though, it really never is too late. everything on our journeys help us learn more about us as people.
