First Night

Greetings fellow EC Members,

I have been posting on this forum for over six months now. I've seen struggles as well as triumphs, heartbreaking stories of rejection and surprise comings out. And I think it's important when wonderful things happen to share those as well.

For those who don't know me from my writing by now, I'll introduce myself by telling you that I'm 48 years old, still married but separated to my wife, with two boys ages 16 and 12, and in case you didn't know from my username, I'm gay.

Just over six months ago I was at the lowest point in my life than I have ever been. I couldn't sleep - I was sleeping about 2 hours a night. I couldn't eat. Food made me nauseous, and I struggled to eat a few bites a day. I was crying constantly. This went on for days on end, just about three weeks. I lost 15 pounds during that time.

When I was at my lowest point, just before I came out, I truly believed that I was going to destroy my family. It felt as though I was standing on a precipice and about to jump. I knew my wife was going to scream at me and tell me to leave the house. My kids were going to tell me that they hate me for ruining their lives. My mom was going to tell me that I'm such a big disappointment to her. My friends would be disgusted with me and abandon me.

But I simply could no longer continue, no matter what. "I can't take this anymore!" my mind was screaming at me. And then it clicked. I knew right then that I had to come out. I knew I had to bare my soul and no matter the cost, it was either come out or die. So I came out. First to my best friend, then my wife, then my children, then my entire family, then my friends and coworkers. I'm now out to nearly everyone who interacts with me on a regular basis.

I didn't destroy my family after all. They didn't reject me. They accepted me.

There were some tears, to be sure. And some anger, and some of every stage in this process of coming out. But we all got through it. And I discovered that life can move forward, now with me as an openly gay man. And a father. And a great friend and coworker.

As I sit here in my apartment tonight, an apartment I've been living in since I separated from my wife on December 1st, I am struck by the laughter I hear from my son as he watches TV in his new room on his first night with me. He is now living with me half-time. And I'm struck by the nice dinner we came from tonight - a dinner with my other son and my wife. A simple dinner where there was laughter and good humor, and an exchange of hugs and friendly smiles. There were no tears tonight, no anger, no bitterness. Just acceptance of our new reality, and a genuine desire to move forward for all of us with love.

I never thought I could have this dream. I didn't really think it was possible. But I am living proof that it can be done.

I wish I could promise everyone at EC that it will happen for them. But some of you do have your dream just waiting for you.

So on this first night of the next phase of my new life, I wish you all love and acceptance in the new year. ride: