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LGBT Later in Life A support and discussion forum for older members who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender etc.

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Old 9th Jan 2017, 10:45 PM   #1
uhh?
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Well, here goes.

I see that I have been a member of Empty Closets for 6 1/2 years or so. During that time I have mostly been a fly on the wall. I've replied to a couple of posts, but otherwise I have mostly absorbed what others have to say. I was so afraid for so long, but I need to talk now, I guess.

I am bisexual. Really. Early in college I dated a guy, but it was a disaster. Later in college I met and fell in love with my wife. We have been married for 25 + years, and we have three nearly grown children. My wife is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by the man she thought was her father. She has a bunch of debilitating physical and emotional problems, and she has been entirely incapable of sex for the past nine years. I still love her, but I know she will never be capable of romance or sex again. I am basically her caretaker--she is legally disabled by her physical issues. We are not affluent enough to separate, even if we wanted to, and her physical needs make it impractical at any rate. She needs me and I promised to be there for her--and I love her. As far as I know, she doesn't know I like men, because she is pretty intently focused on her own issues.

Meanwhile, at 51 years old my sex drive is still strong. At this point the idea of a relationship with any other woman seems extremely unlikely to me--I feel like I have "caught my limit" when it comes to women (to borrow a fishing metaphor). For the past several years I have tried to find some sort of connection--or whatever--in gay movies and tv, in gay romance novels, even--once in awhile--in gay porn. Finally, I started a ****** account, again basically as a "fly on the wall," so that I could see that I was not alone, that there were other guys around me who felt some of the same things I felt. I always ignored anyone who messaged me until this fall, when suddenly I impulsively responded to a few guys. We never hooked up, but a couple of them begged me to, and we sent pics back and forth. I am currently having a tough time with the fact that a guy within walking distance wants me to have sex with him, but my wife won't let me touch her.

To compound the problem, I work for one of the most homophobic institutions on earth, and this is not something I will be able to change without plunging my family into poverty. I really don't know what to do. I need to honor my commitment to my wife, I need to provide income for my family, and I need someone to hold me, touch me, and love me. I've been dealing with this for so long, and I feel like there's no solution which will be good for me, for my wife, and for our children. I feel quite a bit of anger for a culture which thinks it is ok to put good people in a situation like this.
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Old 9th Jan 2017, 11:06 PM   #2
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Re: Well, here goes.

Hi Langloid,

I'm really sorry that you're in this position, and you have my deepest admiration for your struggle.

If you have been reading posts here, you may be aware of a post recently that generated discussion about cheating.

cheating, divorce, and homosexuality

Your situation puts a real face on that discussion. Based upon what you wrote here, it is hard to imagine finding great fault for you if you decided to act on your very human needs. No one is here to judge you, and only you can decide what you want to do about this. Whatever you decide, you have my sympathy.
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Old 9th Jan 2017, 11:12 PM   #3
uhh?
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Re: Well, here goes.

Thanks for the compassionate reply, I'm Gay. Much appreciated!
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Old 10th Jan 2017, 01:02 AM   #4
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Re: Well, here goes.

Hi Langlois, thanks for posting. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I realise that this might not feel like the right choice for you, but is there any chance your wife would give you her blessing to be with a man, to find intimacy where you need it?
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Old 10th Jan 2017, 01:11 AM   #5
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Re: Well, here goes.

Were I in your situation I would seek legal and other counsel about ending my marriage rather than cheating on my spouse, which for me is a line not to be crossed.
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Old 10th Jan 2017, 08:28 PM   #6
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Re: Well, here goes.

I don't have any advice to give, but wanted to let you know I'm bisexual too, I'm 49, I'm married, so I can identify with some of what you are going through.

My situation is a little different because my wife has known I'm bi for awhile, and she and I are still active sexually. I have felt a need to be who I am for so long, so last year, I told her I wanted to come out as bi to friends and family and be honest about who I am and leave the closet. My wife supported that as long as I stay with her only and let everyone know that while this is a change in my public identity, things are still very good between me and her. Coming out was a combination of challenging, exhilarating, excruciating, joyous, nervewracking, fulfilling, you name it... LOL. But I'm proud and happy to be bi and out. I also volunteer at out local LGBT Center. Between all of that, I feel happy and confident as a bi man. It works for me, but I understand that we are all different and it might not work for others.

Just offering my story if it helps at all. There are also a couple of good books for bisexual men, if you have any interest. I like both of these: "Recognize: The Voices of Bisexual Men" and "Getting Bi." Lots of good life stories shared as well as other material. You can find them here and on Amazon, etc. if interested:

Books Bisexual Resource Center

I hope you find the path that works best for you. I do salute your desire to take good care of everyone in your life. In my case, my wife and kids, friends, bandmates, etc., have all been awesome for me. You don't have to come out publicly like me, though. It's a personal choice and an option to consider. Best to you!
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Old 11th Jan 2017, 01:32 PM   #7
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Re: Well, here goes.

The grass isnt greener on the 'other side', its greener where you water it. I think you need to be honest and open up to your wife, hopefully she will understand if she loves you. There are some things in life where you just have to follow your heart. I dont think its healthy for you to repress who you really are.
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Old 11th Jan 2017, 02:02 PM   #8
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Re: Well, here goes.

This reminded me of a Dan Savage column I read awhile ago. I couldn't find the exact column, though I did find this and it certainly touches on what I was thinking of:

When Cheating is The Right Thing to Do: Dan Savage

The thing is, I really don't think the idea that everything is black and white makes sense. There are gray areas. This is a definite gray area. You're being completely loyal to your wife by staying with her through everything she is going through, and you show no desire to escape that life or helping her - in fact, you clearly see it as your duty and I have the utmost respect for you sticking with that. Not everybody would be as strong.

But you do still have very basic human needs. Would you sleeping with another man take away from the loyalty you're showing your wife already? I don't think so. Heck, in a way, I think it shows stronger loyalty because it isn't you just leaving her completely unable to fend for herself so that you can go off and date men. You simply want to be sexually satisfied without leaving her. I suspect you assume she wouldn't give you permission to do it. But if doing it means you will be happier and also able to keep taking care of your wife, I don't see it as a bad thing.

That's my two-cents, which I'm sure will be disagreed with by most. But this isn't just "well she's not a guy and I have urges, so I'm going to cheat." This is a much different situation. This is the gray area.
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Old 11th Jan 2017, 06:25 PM   #9
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Re: Well, here goes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CameOutSwinging View Post
This reminded me of a Dan Savage column I read awhile ago. I couldn't find the exact column, though I did find this and it certainly touches on what I was thinking of:

When Cheating is The Right Thing to Do: Dan Savage
Interesting! I posted this same link the other day in the "cheating" thread and it was promptly "disappeared."
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Old 12th Jan 2017, 11:41 AM   #10
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Re: Well, here goes.

You don't need to consult the self-serving Dan Savage to make a decision.
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Old 13th Jan 2017, 07:36 PM   #11
uhh?
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Re: Well, here goes.

Thanks to everyone for the responses. You all helped me get through a moment when I was feeling pretty down. I don't know what (if anything) I will change about my situation, but it helps to know that other people read my story and didn't send hate my way--I've beaten myself up about this for a long time.
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