1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The hard conversations

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jan 11, 2017.

  1. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yesterday I made the latest attempt out of many many attempts to explain to my soon to be ex what I'm feeling in this process (and of course listen to his feelings).

    I explained why it hurts so much when he tells me he thinks I'm confused and that I'm not really gay, what I'm really experiencing is [insert theory here].

    I explained to him why it's so painful being in the closet, that denial about one part of who you are has such a huge impact on many facets of yourself. And that now currently hiding and lying about who I am to people in our lives as we transition from a married straight couple to separated, takes a huge toll on me as well; it hurts deeply, honestly.

    I told him that it hurts when he presumes or encourages me to make it work with him, because what he's asking me to do is live in that pain for the rest of our lives. And to not take the path that can lead me to a greater sense of truth and authenticity.

    It goes beyond the emptiness and longing to be intimate and connect with a woman, it is tied to being true to who I am.

    I feel like that conversation made an impact, but I'm really cautious about believing the conversation really hit home.

    I want to believe that he gets it, but I suppose the most I can expect is that we just continue setting things in motion, line up our flats for April and not expect huge emotional leaps from him.


    But I thought I'd post it here, because I feel like most of you folks on here would understand those feelings.

    Can anyone relate?
     
  2. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    you have gone above and beyond with him. Now its time to lower your expectations and finalize this part of you journey. Maybe he got it, maybe he didn't. Your not going to know for some time to come, so don't dwell on it.
     
  3. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I know, you're right. I can't control his grieving process, and I just have to focus on my own growth at this point.

    I felt in some sense though that I needed that last try a time that conversation, but now I need to let it go.

    ---------- Post added 11th Jan 2017 at 08:11 AM ----------

    *last try at that conversation
     
  4. looking for me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    3,791
    Likes Received:
    869
    Location:
    on the Rock, Newfoundland and Labrador
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    well, I can relate. for me it was the reason for divorce not sexuality or gender. but yeah, there comes a time when you have to stop smoothing out the wrinkles and let the bed lay as it will, wrinkles and all.
     
  5. Really

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,579
    Likes Received:
    753
    Location:
    BC
    I wondering if going over to the Straight Spouse Network and reading some of their stories might give you some insight into what sort of things would help drive home the message. If you want to pursue this, that is. Maybe someone who seems to be in the same mindspace as your husband will reveal the key or something close to it. "If she just told me A, B, or C, I'd get it."

    I don't know if that's the sort of thing they discuss but it couldn't hurt to check it out.
     
  6. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This is true, I think I need to get comfortable with letting things work out in their own way. I can't force him to accept things; I can't make him understand me.

    Today we had a talk about practical details we needed to discuss and I tried to pull my emotions out of it a bit more. Everyday things feel a bit more like the separation is just our new normal, and that feels good. I feel a bit selfish saying I'm happy and looking forward to being in our new flats, because I know that will be challenging for our daughter, but I feel really positive about it. I'm so happy that I've chosen this path, it's certainly the right one.

    ---------- Post added 14th Jan 2017 at 06:47 PM ----------

    I think in terms of his acceptance I want to let it go. But it's a good idea, it could be useful for me to check out the site. Just to be more in touch with what he's feeling.