I joined a gay women's walking group 18 months ago, not long after I first came out. Just over a year ago I joined a newly set up social group for gay women over 40. Quite a few women belong to both groups. Meetings of both are monthly, and I almost always attend. The social group are organising a joint holiday. I'm not really keen on large group holidays, and have little experience of them, but I have almost nobody else to go on holiday with. I thought it might be good for me, and help to cement what I believed were some emerging friendships. They settled on a large holiday park, where people could camp, take their caravans, hire static caravans on site to share, or book and share holiday cottages nearby. I don't camp, and made it clear I would be looking to share accommodation. I was led to believe that the woman who organises the group would be contacting those who had expressed a wish to share, and that an open arrangement would take place at a group meeting, of who would share with whom. Whereas what has actually happened is that the caravanners and campers have booked their pitches, and small groups of women have organised shared caravans and cottages independently amongst themselves, with the result that everybody who said they wanted to go has got fixed up, with the exception of me. When I realised this, and pointed it out to the organiser, she said if anyone else comes forward who needs to share, she will let me know. This has left me feeling very hurt and disappointed. I have gone from feeling included in the local LGBT community, to not included. I have realised that a lot of interaction goes on between the women in both groups, in settings outside the groups, which I had not known about, and which I am obviously not important enough to them to have been invited to join. I thought I had made so much progress. It's not that I am short of friends generally, as I have quite a number of straight friends, and sometimes socialise with colleagues outside of work, but the one group of people I desperately want and need to be part of is proving very hard to penetrate. I have one wonderful gay friend who I met on a dating website, and we see each other on average twice a month, and a gay couple I've known for years are very supportive but have moved away for work. So, almost two years after I came out, I have left my husband, maintained contact with my son, coped with living alone, recently got my own house, still enjoy my job, have a social life, have gained a friend, and have lost none of my previous friends and family, with the exception of my husband. But I feel I am making very little headway within the gay community, and despite going on quite a few dates with women I have met online, I have not begun a relationship with anybody. Compared with what many EC members have had to experience, I realise I have been quite lucky, but I have periods when I feel intensely lonely, and have started to wonder whether it has all been worth it.
I'm sorry to hear this... So rude of them! It's worth it, honey... Just the feeling of knowing you don't have to hide yourself is worth it.
Hey landgirl Sorry to hear about this experience , definitely an upsetting one(*hug*). It is worth remembering that sometimes, in spite of our best efforts, miscommunication can occur. It is not always lack of interest or lack of friendship. Try to understand why it happened and if indeed it was a lack of care on their side let them know that you felt hurt and left out by this approach. Whichever the cause, being upset that is perfectly legitimate . Do allow it to pass though and then maybe give them the benefit of doubt. Maybe the organizer herself went though some bad times while organizing, maybe it was a honest mistake maybe there are some people in the group who genuinely miss you not being there. Communication is key . (*hug*)
Most of these organizers are doing all this job and effort unpaid, and sometimes that catches up to people. Doesn't mean that its okay for it to happen or that its okay to be rude, but perhaps it was just a miscommunication instead of them genuinely excluding you from the group. Have you have had any other interactions with the group that could hint that this could have been intentional? If not, perhaps this might be a good opportunity for you to become part of the leadership of the group? You know, volunteer to help with planning, logistics, and then you can be the person that makes sure that things like these don't happen again. Sorry that you are feeling so hurt. It never feels good (*hug*)
Are you still planning to go? Maybe your twice monthly friend would split a cottage with you. I totally understand the "invisible" feeling but know, too, that people rarely think about anyone but themselves. Are you the newest member of this group? Or, of those going on this holiday, at least? That might explain why you were "forgotten". Not that it excuses it. This is a Meetup group, right? Could you post a message looking for someone to split a cottage, save expenses, etc? Maybe you'll meet a nice new person who's only been lurking up to now.
^ Bang on right with saying people rarely think about anyone but themselves. Thats what I have found as well. I think the group sounds rather cliquey and it was really for the lady organizing it to ensure that everyone who expressed an interest in going was sorted. This could have easily been done by swapping emails or numbers with peoples consent.Its a bit ironic that shes excluded someone when the groups aim is getting women together. I think what I would do is just let it go over my head and just stick to the odd night out with them.I wouldnt be arranging to go on holiday with them again, no way.
I and many I have spoken to discount the idea of a there being a gay community in the first place. When you think about it, coming together as a community solely over sexual orientation is somewhat artificial as there is often little commonality regarding goals, interests, ethnic background, cultural background, etc. I think it's more helpful to think about a "community of communities" where you bond with other gay people who share something in common with you besides being gay ... like a love of bird-watching or reading or being a tech geek, etc. These are a much stronger and more natural basis for connecting with people having a similar sexual orientation. Maybe you can go just for the day if you want to make a stab at being with this group, which does sound cliquish. As for dating ... it is what it is ... difficult for straight and gay people alike.
I asked my friend if she would go away with me, and she said yes, but there are a few complicating factors. However, it looks like we may at least manage a long weekend, which would be nice. I'm not the newest member of the group. I joined not long after it started, and many have joined since, but the main difference is that a lot of these people knew quite a few of the members already (who had told them about the group and got them to join), and were joining for the organised activities, whereas I joined to make new friends, knowing only one person there. it's not a meetup group, it was set up by a woman who wanted to do stuff with other gay women in the area. I have also joined an LGBT meetup group, and been to one meetup so far, for drinks in a bar. I'm going to another one in a couple of weeks. I would have gone to more, but they often happen on Saturdays, and I work Saturdays for much of the year. They only get about 8 members to each meeting, roughly evenly split men/women, but they definitely aren't as cliquey as the other group, and seem to be more like myself in that they didn't already all know each other beforehand.
Yes, now that you've described it more, I can see how this type of behaviour can happen. It's harder the break into a group of established friends. I think the meetup scenario is better in this case because everyone is essentially new to everyone else. It might be hard to have to start fresh with everyone each time but at least you're all in the same boat. I'm not comfortable being the "outsider" but I've actually come to enjoy the meetup I go to because every time, there will likely be new people. It's not strictly LGBT but I think some of the women who show up definitely are. It's an activity-based meetup that runs weekly as a drop-in so you get to know the regulars but it is very un-clique-y. Maybe see if there are any LGBT or women only groups that operate more like that? Or maybe suggest something similar in that mostly-Saturday meetup. Thursday night badminton? Just a thought.
