The first part will be a rant, the second will have a tl;dr. Alongside the fact that I am separating my husband (whom I love dearly but he and I both knew it wouldn't work but I still have moments where I wished I was straight or acted straighter for him), I had to move to another city, find new work, and find a place to live. Fortunately, at first I had it all sorted out. My security company placed me a new site, I got a place to stay very cheap with my two friends, I had started to feel comfortable and everything was bearable. Not well, but bearable. Then, as soon as I moved out and away from the husband everything started to go wrong. Like literally everything. My anxiety and depression suddenly hit me wanting me to go back to the way things were, so I was getting less sleep, my paycheck didn't cover my groceries so I'm eating beans/rice for two weeks plus leftovers wherever I can find (my friend invited me over for dinner and I told her I'll eat whatever they don't want hence mashed turnups). My cat wasn't adjusting well to the other animals in the new home, I didn't realize that I couldn't use ANYTHING in the house that wasn't mine (so no dish soap, no coffee, no laundry cleaning) so I had none of that. So I was up all night trying to keep my cat in my room but he likes to wander and sniff so I'm only getting four hours max sleep. My friend died out in Syria due to ISIS and they gave us photos of them stepping on his body cheering. Oh and he's dead. There's that too. At work, I didn't realize the old supervisor came back and she didn't like the fact that she had been replaced. I wasn't trained on a couple of things and she took that excuse to get me suspended without pay. I'm still begging for some kind of work back. Long story short: I was trying to clean up some paperwork sheets that had markups and pen scribbles all over it. I didn't know that using the printer or asking for a contacts sheet at work was a big no no (even though we're security and we need the updated contacts list). W.e I never got in trouble at work before so I felt it was a little drastic when they suddenly suspended me. (Plus all this happening I was struggling with the above so you can imagine my mental state). And finally, my roomates want to have a 'discussion' with me about my behaviour and the cat. So, I'm sobbing, I'm screaming and crying into my pillow. I'm frustrated beyond all belief, I can bearly get groceries let alone pay for bills or rent, I'm trying to stay positive but this-this sucks. This fucking sucks and I hate this and I wish I could go back in the closet and just never acknowledge I'm gay. But, and this is a huge but-shit happens. I gotta stay strong. Everyone has bad weeks and everyone has shit like this happen to them. I'm not alone. ^I'll tell myself this and it hardly makes a difference. So there. Rant done. Tl;dr 1. Divorcing sucks even when you don't get horny for your S.O 2. Moving sucks. 3. Friends dying by ISIS sucks 4. Work Politics suck 5. Trying to get your cat used to everyone (2 cats and 2 dogs) sucks especially when your roommates are impatient and feel like their lives are significantly more important because they own the house sucks massively. 6. My life sucks.
This all sounds really intense. All I can say is to make sure you're doing something to take care of yourself so you don't get physically ill/fall deeper into depression and anxiety. 1. Can you talk to your boss and explain what happened? 2. Can you pick up work somewhere else while suspended? It's important to get sleep and get yourself sorted so you can get more organized. Maybe keep your cat in your room and once everything is going more smoothly, look for another place to live. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. And that you had to see photos of that. Do what you can to get your mind calm so you can defrazzle.
I'm not sure if it's silver lining but I do have another job. It's another security company and I'm doing pick ups there. Maybe I can ask for some more work if this current job is going to just dick around with me (I got put on night shifts). My boss says that I should have never tried to fix things and just do the 'status quo'. Take whatever you want from that. I got five hours of sleep last night and I hope I can take better care. It's hard like it feels like I'm just a pile of mush right now and I can't do anything. Unnecessary larthegy? I just gotta keep my head up. Thank you for the support btw.
I am sorry you are facing all this combined. Divorce, starting over is a big enough challenge on its own. I can see how it all feels piled up right now. Take it one thing at a time. Try to compartmentalize it so you are not looking at the whole. That is the best I can offer, because as you say it sucks. But if you deal with one thing, find a solution, then take on the next, it won't seem overwhelming. I would also suggest to start looking for a back up living arrangement, if the roommate thing doesn't work out. You will get through this, all of this, and be stronger than ever.
I agree with Bunnydee and taking things one at a time. Everyone's got bad times, liken you said. You'll get through this. And if you can, definitely see if you can pick up extra work at the second job and then dump the other. Or learn from the mistake. Either way! Just focus on making yourself be in a better head space and everything else will be a little easier. ---------- Post added 13th Jan 2017 at 06:03 AM ---------- Ugh. Typos.
Thanks guys, I appreciate it. Got some sleep and took a shower. Feel better already. Going to see my rents and just talk to them. They weren't really supportive at first but now, its starting to improve. I guess time does good things now and then. The worst part is just when youre in that moment-you think nothing will get better and you hit rock bottom and you're in a nightmare. I have thought about taking my life-and yes I do need to seek help about it. But, I've told myself firmly no. Killing myself doesn't solve anything and it will be more amazing to hear that I've fallen down, and I got myself picked back up again and proved everyone wrong. I would much rather surprise people that way then eat a gun. Thank you again. I'm slowly getting back up there one step at a time.
Just a quick update. I've been banned from my work site. They gave me night shifts and I got hassled by security saying I fully knew that I wasn't allowed onsite. The supervisor that got he post back told me I have a nasty attitude when I tried to bring up the fact that I wasn't supposed to be on the property and my other boss told me to shut up and 'Just do your job'. I am financially crippled and my cat isn't adjusting well. He recgonizes how stressed I am and won't let anyone touch him or if someone touches me while I'm crying he hisses and swats at them. He doesn't like anyone touching me. They're saying he needs to go...and now I have to go too... My ex husband is trying to say he knows exactly how I feel but honestly? He has no fucking clue. He got the car, he got 85% of the things from the apartment. I had to fight for a bed and towels because I couldn't afford them. I havn't ate a proper meal in days-just a granola bar here and there. I don't feel hungry. Sleep is iffy, maybe five hours tops. I try sleeping more but my mind thinks about stuff and I have to get up and do something. I'm trying to look for new work-hoping this second job can give me more hours. And I'm going to have to move back home with my parents. It feels so humilating. I'm trying to keep my head up but if I believed in God, I'd think he was punishing me for coming out.
Sorry it's all a bit rubbishy for you right now - it really does sound like you're having an extraordinarily tough time. Practical suggestions: 1. Have you spoken with human resources/are you a member of a union? 2. Have you been to your family doctor re your stress/lack of sleep? 3. Is there any free counselling you can get hold of? Please take care of yourself.
I am also having a really tough time in life right now so I am not sure how much help I can be, but I will try. I know how it feels to be stuck in the depths of despair and agony and feeling like it will never end. I also know this will not change your life, but I hope it helps if even just to give you a moment of hope. Firstly, your God is NOT punishing you for coming out because there is NOTHING morally wrong with being gay. If you believe in God then you believe God created you just the way you were meant to be and there is no God in this universe that would punish you for how they made you. The reason bad things are happening to you right now is no particular reason at all! Life just sucks and sometimes bad things happen all at once and this happens to a lot more people than you think (knowing this does not make it any better or easier). One thing to know is that you cannot have sadness without happiness. You can only experience joy as deeply as you have felt pain. Nothing in life is permanent so you WILL feel joy and relief once again. You will get out of this tough time as long as you do not give up. Slow and steady, take each hurdle at a time. You MUST take care of your body! It is priority. You MUST get rest and food, that is #1. Take care of yourself and focus on one small thing at a time. Take life day by day, moment by moment. Slow down and breathe. It just takes time and pressure. It will not be easy, it will take some time. Divorce, moving, losing people you love, issues with work and home life. Yeah, that sounds tough and I can't even begin to imagine the extent of how you feel. What I do know is that you have to keep going, keep moving. Why? because you have no choice. What can you do? Start to count your blessings no matter how small. Think of what you do have in your life. Even if it is the smallest thing ever. Even if it is something like "at least my hair is cooperating today". You need these small victories. Just start taking things slowly, one at a time. One small thing at at time, one day at a time. Make sure you keep your body healthy with rest and food because it will help your mind withstand this storm. Hang on, there is a light at the end of the tunnel you just have to believe, you have to trust, you have to keep going. If you keep going you WILL get out of this. Keep going, do not quit. One foot in front of the other. Find a new job, find a new place. Once you are secure and your primary needs are taken care of then work on yourself and cope with all these drastic changes and pains in your life. I am sorry life DOES indeed suck!! I agree with you 100%, but we have to keep going. Just have to keep going and stay positive, stay hopeful. It is so much easier to stay in a state of misery, but we create our own realities. If we keep thinking everything will be miserable and nothing will get better we will create a self fulfilled prophecy. Think about how you want your life to be, not how you do not want it to be. What we think, we become. Yeah it sucks and I know it is nearly impossible to be hopeful!!! But, take it day by day and keep trying. Once you get things sorted you will feel so much stronger and be able to conquer so much more. Find you strength, find you courage, keep going. Use songs and films if you have to, but keep filling your heart with strength, courage and hope.
1. No human resources-this is a small company that has no union and now isn't communicating with me. I think I'm going to have them fire me so they have to give me two weeks pay. It's part of Ontario's worker rights. That's my plan. The other job gave me some shifts for another location so I just need to get up very early and do that for a little bit. 2. Need a new family doctor since moving back. Going to try for a lgbtq one that I used to go to with when I was a teenager since I had some free councilling there. Maybe they can help me. 3. See above. Maybe I can find someone.... This helped a lot. I'm grateful I have clean water and I have shoes on my feet. (Even when they're covered in blisters). You're right. It seems dark and terrible because life does have it's downs. I need to keep going. Just...I'm almost scared to put myself back out there.
