I think for the most part I'm learning to accept being gay. But!!!! There are times when I wish I just kept it a secret, not let any one know, sometimes now when at my familys place my brother inlaw will say oh your becomeing more of a poof now days, which some times doesnt worry me but other times I'd like to punch him in the head. I"m usually a pretty quiet and casual guy but just sometimes I'd wish I could stand up for myself.. Any way , also some times I'm out with some friends and they are married with 2.5 kids etc or I go shooping and I see a guy in his 20's with family etc .. I think some times what would it have been like if I wern't gay, if I had asked that girl out at Highschool for a dance one night , but I never really liked girls , even though I've had many one night stands, trying to pretend that I'm normal like every one else.. have you ever wished to keep it quiet and pretend to be like normal ??? and I always thought I'd have kids and live on our old farm that we had after my folks passed, but nope never happened. sometimes I just hate myself.. I had a lot of trouble with self harm too but thank heck thats settled down again now.. hope it dont reserfice... trying to be myself but some I dont want to be... :bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::***::***::***:
Well, I did the married and kids thing, always tried to be what I thought others expected me to be. I wouldn't trade my girls for anything, but that does come with a price. Going down that path caused me years of internal conflict and general unhappiness. Trying to fit into this "mold" that simply wasn't right for me has cost me so much. I pissed away my school years because I was too inside my own head to bother with it all. I did the self harm thing and have a whole lot of scars to show for that. I am not close to anyone, I don't have a single person I would truly call my friend. So much of these things I feel have been because I didn't want anyone to see thru the facade. None of the hiding and denying is worth it anymore. This is something that cannot be changed and trying to force change breeds only misery. We all just need to find our own ways to embrace who we are, and realize that sexuality is such a small aspect in terms of who we are.
You're not alone. I feel this every single day. In the 12 years since coming out, I have never felt it so strongly as I do now. I know it will hurt me eventually - the supressing it and keeping it bottled up... but I am not doing it for me. I do it because of family issues... Spending time in a country where being gay is taboo and not even spoken about didn't help much either. It's weird but yeah I wish I hadn't come out. I am struggling with depression and trying to find away to accept myself again and live the life I deserve but it's hard. For now, I am in a bubble. Don't know when I will leave it behind.
I agree with angeluscrzy. You can't get back those years and it so much worse a feeling trapped in denial but knowing something's not right. I would rather be out and living my life and dealing with the crap people want to say, than hiding in denial and hiding all my thoughts about the crap people say. They are going to say it either way.
I would come up with an effective (and legal) strategy to deal with the jerks ... perhaps ignoring and then having some good zingers to throw back at them. I would also make sure I am giving myself messages of unconditional self-acceptance to counter other people's rude comments. And finally I would not be bound by the "gay" label. Explore what the world has to offer you in terms of activities, dating, friendships, and so forth, and see what eventually clicks with you. There are many, many options out there.
Big hugs, I'm sorry you're struggling so much. All I can say is, being in the closet until 36 has led to a suffocating and empty experience in life for me. I'm letting go of regrets now, and I'm happy I have my daughter, but the closet is an unhappy place that I'm glad to be out of.
