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Needing to talk it out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Hatspatula, Jan 15, 2017.

  1. Hatspatula

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    Hi all!

    I hope this is the right place to put this but I seriously need to talk to someone and I feel like the only friend who knows how I feel is probably sick of the topic (she has her own issues going on) and my lovely accepting mother keeps asking if I'm not just confused. "Are you sure you aren't just confused because of how (current husband) has been treating you?" "Maybe you'll change your mind." "You could be wrong." "Have you even felt like that about a woman before??" He's an ass, but no. No. Probably not. Yes but I didn't realize it.

    So, with that over... I'm 33. I've been married 10 years and have a 3 year old son. I've recently been away with my son for medical reasons for several months and had some time alone to think. I am 99% sure that I've not made a mistake. I feel like now that I've allowed myself to stop pretending I like men, that I'm not at all attracted to the cute doctor at the children's hospital, or that guy at the shops, or on TV. I've tried, but yeah... not really.

    Can a person honestly try so hard to convince themselves that they like the opposite gender that they believe it themselves for so long? I think I've always been attracted to ladies but told myself I just "appreciated them for their beauty, nothing suss." And I've gone along with "oh that guy's cute." Or "The cute ER doctor talked to me today!" Enen though I've not actually been interested in having relations with my husband or previous boyfriends... I've done it because I felt like I should. Which is a shitty reason to get into bed, and has led to lots of arguments. I've spent a lot of nights up sobbing and googling what's wrong with me and "why the hell can't I get turned on??" And I was 100% convinced there was something wrong with my body that it just wouldn't work. I've gotten a little better at pretending, but it still sucks for me... :-/

    I'm also pretty sure if I mention it to my husband he will just laugh at me and tell me I'm wrong... so... yeah. But we're on rocky ground for a plethora of other reasons so not sure how long that will last in any case.

    Not sure if that even makes sense but I guess it's a start for getting my feelings out. Thanks :slight_smile:
     
  2. Des Functional

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    Hi.

    I'm probably not the best person to offer advice but here goes.
    In what way are you attracted to women? Is it a purely physical/ sexual attraction or is it a desire for a romantic relationship/ intimacy with another woman?
    How does that differ from what you feel towards men?
    I think we're all wired to recognise/ appreciate either gender in terms of attractiveness/ beauty but the desire to be with someone in terms of not just sex but true intimacy is for me the key to understanding our sexuality.
    To be honest I cannot give you an answer to your question about 'making oneself to believe you're attracted to the opposite gender by force of will alone'. I think the answer in this regard lies in analysing your responses looking back: was it an appreciation of attractiveness (of the men/ man in an aesthetic rather than sexual sense) or perhaps their expression of a physical interest in you that you focused on rather than your underlying (real) feelings.
    No matter how understanding our family/ friends are, society constantly pressurises us to be hetero-normative and when we're unsure, so many of us take that path as it's so much easier than being brave, saying 'no, I'm gay/ bi/ lesbian' but the end result is often those feelings of confusion & dislocation that us 'late starters' subsequently feel.
    Is there any room for you to explore how you might feel if you date a woman?
    Perhaps your answers lie there rather than spending too much time analysing why you don't feel attraction towards men.
    I hope it all works out for you.
     
  3. bunnydee

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    Aboslutely! Yes people can convince themselves and live in denial for many years. I have most of my life. I am 45, married to a man, and just recently accepting myself as I am - a lesbian. Oh, and I remember thinking the same wondering if there was something wrong with my body or really any reason to avoid the truth.

    It sounds like you are in the final stage of accepting who you are. I would say spend some time thinking about what's next. What do you want to do? Where do you see yourself down the road - still married or starting your own new life?

    You can always read through some of our posts in LGBT -later in life and you will see so many have or are going through the same situation. You can also message me anytime. Glad to help in any way I can.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC.. this is definitely the place to talk through everything.

    I don't think it's all about convincing yourself I think it's also about what society leads you into. Don't worry you are by no means alone even though that's I am sure how you feel (*hug*)
     
  5. I'm gay

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    Yes. I believed I was straight (mostly) for almost 3 decades. You are not alone in thinking this. Deep down of course I knew I was gay, but I didn't accept being gay, and couldn't stand the idea of anyone else knowing my secret, so I buried it deep down and "convinced" myself that I was straight. I told myself that it was just stupid fantasies, and that my actual homosexual experiences growing up were just experimentation. So, yes, it is totally possible (and quite common) to bury your gay feelings and pretend to be straight for so long that you actually believe it - at least on a conscious level.

    This is also normal bargaining behavior that parents and spouses often go through, just as you and I did. Your mom still needs more time to process this loss of your straight identity. Be patient, and she will likely come around and reach acceptance.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  6. Hatspatula

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    Thanks everyone :slight_smile: I feel a little more like I might not be making it up... that's a fear at the back of my mind all the time right now as it's a pretty big mistake to make :-/

    I haven't ever had the opportunity to consider anything with a woman I guess. I was 16 when I met my first boyfriend... we dated for 5 years, and then I met my now husband pretty much straight after. I have been attracted to women I've met, usually in a physical way I guess but also in a "I really want to kiss her" sort of way, which was about as far as I ever let myself think in the past I guess.

    As far as how it's different from men, I feel like that's harder for me to sort out and put into coherent words, haha. I have done the whole "Oh he's cute" thing for soooooo long I think to fit in and try to give myself something to be interested in. And I think I'll probably always look at men and think some are attractive but I don't find myself wanting anything more with them. If I think about it, even in the past I haven't been excited by a man taking off his shirt, or by the silly firemen calendars they try to sell at the shops with mostly nudey men in them... and I'd happily watch the pretty naked lady on TV but I was never thrilled at the idea I might see a man butt. :lol:

    What I want to do is go off on my own and live my own life. But it's terrifying. Not least of all because I have a child with disabilities and cancer and doing that alone is scary... but because I am not sure what will happen. Will I even meet a woman? I live in a remote area, so will I have to move just for that? That seems selfish and difficult. I'm also worried my in-laws will no longer support me and my son if they find out. They are very religious and constantly have hymns in the car, and bible verses ready to go. Meanwhile my family is all in another country, 24 hours of plane rides away :icon_sad:
    But I really don't think I can stay in this marriage. My husband's relationship with sex is... intense. He wants it every day, if possible more than once every day. This was hard for me before and since I've started to realize how I actually feel, it is just awful. I've been trying to keep up to maintain the peace but I just feel... dirty afterwards knowing that I've only done it to keep him happy (if that makes sense).
    So yes. I want to move on, and I think I will get there. I'm just scared. And I hate disappointing people and it will be a huge disappointment for him. Even though he hasn't been happy for ages.
     
  7. bunnydee

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    Makes perfect sense as that is how I have always felt. Leaving is hard and sounds even harder in your situation. We are here to support you as you go through this. I am facing the same situation, and it has become more difficult than I expected.