I was on the phone with a close family member tonight. We were talking about the place I'll be moving soon, and because there's a big military hub around it, they said, "Maybe you'll meet a nice military guy over there." And for some reason, it's really tripped me up. I know I'm not straight, but lately I've been struggling with labels, even though I don't care much about them. I don't care about them, but I know the outside world does. Isn't this always the problem with this stuff? The whole world v. our heads. I feel like I can't say I'm definitely bi/queer or definitely a lesbian. I know I find men attractive and would probably enjoy being physical with them, but I'm also not sure about it anymore. When I think about it, feelings are there, but a lot of them are a type of grossness. Like, feeling as if that's not right or really what I want, but I know I'd be able to enjoy it in the moment. I think I feel a type of guilt when thinking about it, actually. Or shame. What is that? When I think about being with a woman, I don't have that. But at the same time, I don't know if I could be totally sexually fulfilled with a woman. Physically, in real life, I've been with both men and a woman. The woman was only experimenting and I'm not counting it as vulnerable intimacy, and with the men it's always been distanced and not emotional for me at all, even in long term relationships where I felt like I loved that person. I'm repeating myself for anyone who reads my stuff, but I've had a chronic medical issue the past few years that's made going out and exploring a no-go. My whole life has been stopped from it. Thankfully I've been doing much better. Not cured, but there's hope for it. I know that not being able to date has been blocking me from understanding my feelings, which came about after I fell for/lost my mind over a girl in college. It was the first time, even after hooking up with people in my teens, and having long term relationships, that I felt so alive and heartbroken and truly understood what "falling" for someone is like. I haven't looked back at guys much since then, but I also wonder if that's because I'm searching for that feeling again, which I attach to her a lot of the time. So maybe I'm always looking at women because of her. Idk. It sounds like I'm still questioning even though I'm not, but I still sort of am. Not if I'm straight, but just how gay I am. I just don't know what happened tonight to make me feel so bad. I felt like I couldn't tell this person that I probably won't be looking at military guys. I did say I didn't think I'd meet one, but I'm not sure how that was read. We both just laughed. There's something in me that feels really upset, and sick in a way, that I couldn't Just say that I actually think I'm probably a lesbian, "so maybe a nice military chick ()." I say it other times to certain people who know, but even then, I can't say I'll never be with a man again, and that bothers me for some reason. I don't know. I just don't understand why this call made me so upset, and is making me question things. P.S. I hate heteronormativity
Heteronormativity really does create a challenge for us to assert ourselves. So many assumptions/presumptions... i understand all of the feelings you identify here. And I know how hard it feels sometimes to say, well actually... About labels though, you don't need a label to assert your truth. You don't have to say"I'm a lesbian", if you'd rather not use a label, it can work to say im looking for a woman, or I think I'd prefer a military chick (like you said). You'll get there yeahpidk!! It might take some awkward starts but soon those things will come out more naturally.
