I haven't posted my own post in a while as I am feeling really guilty. Most of you that will respond probably already know my situation. For the rest, I am 45 married with a 12 yo still at home. I have already come out to my husband and grown son. I still live with my husband and he is back and forth between not wanting to talk, to wanting to work on our marriage. Here's my issue and guilt - Intentions were good to begin with. I had no thought before coming out that he would suggest me staying and working on our marriage. I had told him we could go to counseling - in my head I was thinking that would help him deal with it as I moved on. I also started my own counseling to deal my issues within myself and my mom who is sanctimonious. Well, my counselor helped me realize I am in no position to just move out right now. Not only am I not self-sufficient enough financially, but I have these issues/fears of my parents attempting to get custody or whatever because of my coming out. So, I have not told my husband point blank that I want a divorce or that I want to move out. When he asks what I want to do, or what my plans are I tell him I am undecided and that I am working on me with the counselor which in whole is partly true. But he feels I am leading him on and that no matter what he does, I have already made of my mind and just not telling him which is mostly true. So I am guilt-ridden. I am getting depressed about it as well. I know I am leading him on and not being completely honest. But I also know I am not able to be out on my own yet. I think I will be able to do this by end of summer though if I can find an apt near here. How horrible of a person am I? Anyways, this is what I am going through ... ---------- Post added 16th Jan 2017 at 07:30 PM ---------- Oh and I think I know why he is wanting to 'work' on the marriage.. He has said 'you know if we divorce, everyone will believe it was my fault'. Even when I tell him no because I would tell them it was my choice, he still feels they would think he was to blame that he couldn't make the marriage work.
Working with your counselor is probably the best thing to do right now. It sounds like you want a good relationship with your son and (currently) husband in the future. You may want to make it clear to him how you feel. If you no longer want a romantic relationship, it might be good to tell him that. Maybe talk to him about building a new type of relationship based in friendship. Also, if he said he thinks other people will blame him, that could really be him saying indirectly that he feels responsible. Obviously he's not, thats not how sexuality works, but he might not know that. It might be best to talk to your counselor about this guilt, just like you said it here. See what they have to say about it. They'll probably know the best course of action. Either way I hope it works out for you (*hug*)
Perhaps you could encourage him to attend a meeting of the Straight Spouses Support Network, assuming one is available in your area (and yes, they do have male spouses as well as female). Explaining whose "fault" it was that you got divorced should really be the least of his worries — he need simply say, "My former spouse turned out to be gay," and leave it at that. Probably the only people he really needs to explain things to are family, close friends, and potential lovers. No one will judge him (though they may judge you!)
Bunnydee, being honest and communicating about what's in your heart are good qualities. You are NOT a horrible person. Chase that thought away. No one is perfect, and you are very much allowed to take a less than perfect path, without thinking yourself as horrible. Therapy together, (to try and work how things are, for whicever outcome- together or apart), is almost always good (I've yet to see an instance where the therapist was competent, but the results weren't). A good therapist for couples and you and your husband being consistent about it at least over a few months, can bring a LOT of clarity about a lot of aspects, and prevent you two from unconsciously lying to yourselves or each other about what are the true causes for what each of you is feeling and doing .(*hug*) You know Patrick's signature quote "Don't believe everything that you think"? Sometimes our own subconscious hazes our conscious mind, and gets us to see things skewed. A therapist's "light" can help us see through that haze.
Thank you for the responses everyone. I am setting up a joint counseling session for us. I am not one of those who just feels okay to come out and leave. I have the responsibility to my husband and child to walk with them through their own process in this. No matter the end result, I acknowledge my responsibility for my choice of coming out and the aftermath that is following. I have done some more research into the Straight Spouse Network and listened to Emily Reese podcast on The Coming Out Lounge. I feel very strongly that I cannot allow my husband to suffer from this without me trying to help and without my taking the responsibility due.
