Being alone, a must read article

It is indeed a very interesting article. One caveat that I would like to express is the tendency to lay blame for social ills on the persons who suffer them the most. This is a fallacy in psychology that I would challenge vigorously.

What I want to emphasize is that psychological "adjustments" or "coping" skills will not solve the fundamental issues that underlie and strengthen loneliness. We talk about being "resilient", but is that not just a way of accepting the unacceptable?

There are economic and social forces that cause, either directly or indirectly, this exploding phenomenon of loneliness, chief among these is the destruction of our capacity to form a wide variety of close relationships, not just the all-or-nothing romantic relationships that we form. One need only look at the relatively recent past, where churches and close-knit communities formed a network and layered variety of social interactions that made life bearable.

Even significant-other coupled relationships are made impossibly fragile by their tendency to isolate themselves from the wider community. It is an us-against-the-world mentality that tends to force two people into being the sole support for each other...too often this is a burden that neither can bear alone over the long run. Couples, more than ever, need to remember that they still have friends and family to turn to...and all too often, they don't.

Loneliness is more than just the absence of a significant other, there are direct and powerful forces that keep us from forming and strengthening relationships of all kinds. Until we address those issues, until we can find some way of forming new communities or growing existing ones (real, offline communities that may at times involve politics, for example), loneliness will be a persistent and growing problem for everyone.

 

London has a population of what? over 11 million people? (if I have the stat correct). The thing I hear most about from others is complaints of loneliness. So many people, such a big city. Yet people are disconnected and removed from one another. It is up to each of us to develop relationships and forge bonds with others.

 

While I find the article convincing and identify with the conditions described, it fails (as such informative artcles frequently do) to provide practical solutions for sufferers. All very well to say that we need to re- focus on creating and expanding community, but how does one do that?

 

It's a sad reality, that article is. It makes a lot of sense to me since I identify with some of it.

 

It wanted me to log in to view the article...

 

It's not that difficult, just takes a bit of courage and an openness to the present moment.

For example, many apartment dwellers don't know the person who lives just down the hall, or just next door! Say someone lives in apartment 12c just next to you at 14c...even though you may brush past each other from time to time, often, it is as if that person doesn't exist.

Why is that?

A simple greeting when you run into each other could help, maybe even a request for a cup of sugar (even if you are on an Atkins low-carb diet!) could help to make a vital connection.

Of course, I would, in perpetuity, reserve the right to tell that guy in apartment 12c to mind his own friggin' business...but...it would still be nice to know that maybe there is someone there who could also help me out in times of need, and maybe I could help out that person too; could even be someone who eventually becomes a friend.

One of my mother's oldest friends is someone who lived right next to us in our apartment building when I was a child...it happens, if we try.

 

A further point to my reply above, following something I read yesterday in a book called The World Beyond your Head, by Matthew B. Crawford (who also wrote this very interesting article on our "attentional commons").

When the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders characterized excessive gambling as a "Gambling disorder" (previously known as "pathological gambling") this was actually welcome news in the casinos and gambling houses across the country. The reason is simple, it puts the onus for responsible gambling on the backs of its victims. Yes, victims, I am using the term here quite deliberately.

From what was revealed in Crawford's book (citing other research), the entire attentional environment in casinos is designed to part you from your money, they do this in ways that deeply understand our "death wish", i.e. the very deep desire in people to let go of the responsibilities that control their impulses.

An example was cited of a woman who wears dark clothing when gambling at the machines so that when she pees on herself, it won't show. She does this because she doesn't want to get up to go to the bathroom, so focused is she, lost in the trance of clicks, clangs and electronic symbols of wins and losses (more of the latter, of course) that she does not want to be interrupted. For some, even winning is an unwelcome interruption from the trance!

We may be shocked at this, but do we not ourselves do this when we lose ourselves, trance-like, in front of our televisions, just watching "what's next" until we painfully (and shamefully) raise ourselves from our couches at bedtime, having accomplished nothing, after not calling someone to chat, or not read, or not doing whatever active thing we could have done instead? This is what I mean when I refer to social and technological forces that quite effectively keep us from community and the demands that community places on us...

 

Yeah, it is that difficult; damned near impossible, in fact. And the article's assumption (just like yours) -- that every reader has ready access to the same skill sets, resources, and opportunities -- is, quite frankly, dismissive beyond belief.

 

I welcome disagreements, and I apologize if my response to your post appeared dismissive, that was not my intention.

You made the quite correct point earlier that there have to be practical approaches to addressing this problem; I thought I had provided one with my reference to what one could do inside the building we often share with others, if you find this difficult I would like to know more about what circumstances you feel are difficult. Can you share with us what specific skill sets, resources and opportunities you feel are needed to overcome loneliness?

 

Thanks for the link greatwhale ... interesting and disturbing read. I think the problem of isolation is systemic and that technology plays a very big role in exacerbating the problem since it renders unnecessary so many of the everyday activities people used to do that would have led to human contact. The best solutions I can think of are spending time away from your computer and other technology and in the presence of other people ... even small things like shopping at brick-and-mortar stores rather than online. Also returning to some of the institutions of yore such as church where people attended and connected for philosophical reasons other than just doing something fun (I'm looking at you meetup.com). Do I do these things ... fitfully and with major struggle. I restarted group guitar lessons last night and the teacher recognized me so at least I feel like there's someone out there who I made an impression on and I'm looking forward to getting back among others interested in music.

 

This is a really interesting NYT piece; glad I read it. Social isolation is something that I think about a lot. Being a bit of a loner myself, I also find I am 'unusually sensitive to social cues, and always have been. I spend a lot of time on my own.

Interesting that you think people are being blamed? I personally didn't feel blamed reading this; did you mean other than the author? Or do you feel it's more - empowering, let's say - to come up with longer-term solutions? I don't really know what political ones there are, but that charity/skillshare type thing seemed like a great place to start. And, in the UK, over-60s get free Tube travel in London, so there's that.

---------- Post added 19th Jan 2017 at 01:42 PM ----------

... I should add that the piece I was talking about what brainwashed's original one, not the one Greatwhale shared, which I've just seen but not read yet.

---------- Post added 19th Jan 2017 at 01:42 PM ----------

*was*

 

Interesting article.

As those who remember my whines posts know, loneliness is a huge problem in my life. I first posted on this in 2013, not long after joining EC.

I'm not sure if I'm sensitive to social cues. I feel more oblivious. It's been suggested I might have at least a touch of Asperger's, which could explain social difficulty. Then, again, maybe it's something else--like not learning skills most people have before Kindergarten is over.

I do sometimes wonder if I'm not too sensitive in other ways, however. I may not pick up cues, but I do wonder if sometimes I over read/over react to a situation.

I do agree with one comment:

Loneliness is an especially tricky problem because accepting and declaring our loneliness carries profound stigma. Admitting we’re lonely can feel as if we’re admitting we’ve failed in life’s most fundamental domains: belonging, love, attachment. It attacks our basic instincts to save face, and makes it hard to ask for help.​

I've struggled with this, and am conscious of careful word choice when talking about my situation. I've used the term "social isolation" when I probably should be using other ways of expressing myself, like: "I have no real friends in the area." Saying the latter, somehow, is uncomfortable--it's gives a feeling of failure.

I've come to a point of thinking the situation in general is complicated. Any number of factors are at work, and different people have different issues.