I opened up to my husband again through letter and then conversation. He is at the point he just wants an answer am I staying or leaving him. He broke down and said he just wants this to have never happened, that he new when he met me, I was the one he was going to grow old with. He still wants that, but pushes the ball in my court. Says he's not leaving, it's my decision, all on me. My heart breaks for him. I love him and before my doubts and acceptance I saw him in the same way - growing old together. I'm lost.
Not that I'm religious or anything, but the Old Testament guys were onto something when they said (essentially) that once you know the difference between good and bad, you are cursed with Responsibility. And of course nobody is perfect... hence guilt. Along with others here I've read your posts and sympathized. Losing something you were expecting to have is worse (go figure) than losing something you had. If only you were heartless, you could just do it. (If only I were unscrupulous, I'd start a Ponzi scheme.) It looks like the decision really is on you, he's not just trying to saddle you with guilt, he's honestly saying he wants in. (Figuratively, no that wasn't a pun.) So it's an honest judgment on your part: some pain now for less pain down the road? That's what it seems like. EC friends? I'm just spouting; hasn't happened to me. (Though I did voluntarily leave what in retrospect was my best relationship. Plain old hetero mistake.) FWIW I think you should cut the tie. Sorry.
Hi bunnydee, for me thenguilt of choosing to leave my husband is only now just finally nearly gone (fully gone?), so i understand how you're feeling. I started coming out a year and a half ago and we decided on separation about 7 months ago. In our case, I thinknwhat helped my guilt ease a bit was seeing him gradually start to feel less raw and distressed about things. I think he's still not accepted that it's over but on some level he has and he's getting more accustomed to the idea. I think it's just a matter of time that helps to heal both your and your husband's hurt.
Oh it's going to be a longer road than what I thought. I hate this. I don't know why it is so much more difficult with this husband than my first. We were together 13yrs and I just got my son and left, started over. I want to not feel anything. We did discuss the aspects of me moving out and how that would work with our daughter. I told him I didn't want her to change schools and friends. I suggested he stay at the house with her and I'd move out to an apt in the area. He works night shift and would be able to take her to school and pick her up where I could not. Question then became who is with her at night. A lot to figure out and seeing him hurting is hurting me, confusing me. I want to do what is right, I want to be me, then I have this guilt and so then I think well what if... What if I leave and never find someone who loves me and treats me with love the way he does? What if I stay and I am miserable and make him miserable? What if I stay and can forget and things get better? What if I leave, but then he remains alone forever? What if, what if, what if.....
Hi Bunnydee, We are all here for you, and we know how difficult this journey is for you. I certainly understand the feelings of guilt over being the one to cause the end of your marriage. Just a couple of thoughts for you to think about: 1. On one of your earlier posts, I suggested to you that your husband deserves a wife who loves him - in every way that a heterosexual woman should love a man. That's still the case even though you are now out to him. He's not thinking about the future, he's thinking about his present reality coming apart. At some point in the future, he will begin thinking about what's ahead for him, and you being a lesbian will likely be a barrier to him finding the love he needs for himself if you two are still together. 2. He can't heal while the two of you are still together. Being a part of each other's daily lives prevents him from being able to move on. While there are some people who are able to make the transition to a mixed-orientation marriage work, most find that it doesn't work. That's because this wound can't heal until you are both able to move on - still a part of each other's lives as friends and partners in raising your daughter - but not as a couple in a relationship. 3. You may begin to feel resentful if you stay for his or your daughter's sake. The guilt you feel for causing all of this to happen can cause you to make poor choices. If you already feel that you made a poor choice in marrying a man when you are gay, imagine how you will feel years from now about making another choice to stay in a marriage that is already doomed to you both being happy. This really is the part of ripping the Band-Aid off. It hurts for a bit, but it is better than allowing the pain to go on for an even longer period of time. Let go of the guilt, bunnydee. It won't help either of you or your daughter. Remember that if you hadn't done what you did, your daughter wouldn't be alive now. All of this had to happen for you to bring that sweet girl into this world, and that, for me, is how I let go of my guilt. Take care. ride:
and tbh... I am feeling guilt over making new friends. I met two new friends who are gay and have been talking to them. No, nothing remote to having an affair - strictly platonic. They know my situation and have been out for most of their lives. It's just nice to have friends. I have never had any friends with anyone our entire marriage, except acquaintances at work. He is a closed person and doesn't have friends and doesn't want people around. ---------- Post added 17th Jan 2017 at 06:49 PM ---------- I was writing at the same time as you posted I'm Gay. Thank you for reminding me of all that. I needed to hear it again. I am going to put it on my blog so I can come back to it.
Google the book, "Sacred Vows, Sacred Cows." I think it might help give you some clarity regarding the guilt that comes with a breakup. It helps dispel the many myths about marriage that keep so many people prisoner in a relationship. Check out the books website and read about the"sacred cows" that mess with our heads. No, I'm not a book salesman. Just found it very helpful. Good luck.
Hello Bunnydee. I think you hit the nail on the head by wondering "What if I stay and I am miserable and make him miserable?" Each time you sacrifice what you truly want for the sake of others, you negate yourself, and the gloom that comes with repeating that action over and over again will eventually permeate the mask you are putting on and spill in the relationship all the same. I'll hazard a few guesses: He would not want you to stay out of your fear of the unknown or out of your pity for him. His masculine side needs to be admired, not pitied. His masculine side would much rather know that it is what you truly desire. He does not want you to stay there and be miserable because of it . He wants you to stay hoping you will love being there with him, and grow together with him. Therapy for couples will help you both figure out if that is possible, and if it is both of you still want to do ( I know I'm such a cheerleader for therapy ).
Oh dear, I know you said you were going through similar in my post the other day It's so hard! I told hubby last night and he was pretty good about it but I still feel like I'm ruining everything we ever envisioned. My gut is telling me that if I'm right in my suspicions of my sexuality and go for it on my own then at least I have a chance of happiness. Where if I stay it will just be more of the same thing where I am kind of happy, but not fully. And I really feel like after the dust settles and we've both sorted the crappy bits out hopefully he will find someone better suited for him too. Not sure if that would be the same for you or not, just my thoughts over my current, rather similar, scenario :-/
I wonder if asking yourself if the future you envisioned for your relationship was truly possible or if it was a hetro-normative belief that society and media pushes? (sorry if that comes as harsh, I truly feel for the difficulty of you situation and I'm not always good at putting things very well :/)
Thank you for asking this. I have thought a lot about this since I came out to him. I think it is ingrained in me from conversion therapy. I don't know how many here were put through therapy when they were young. I was in psych hospital for 3 months then pastor sessions and doctors for another month. All to combat being lesbian when I was 14. Probably a lot of my personality is from that. They pushed the 'normal' life. I remember sitting through hours of tapes watching how normal people live, how I was expected to live. Thank God they don't do that anymore that I know of. Or they may still in more affluent households. If we had been poor or even mid-income, I probably wouldn't have gone through it. ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2017 at 11:53 AM ---------- *adding That is why I chose to go to my own counselor now. And probably why I am in limbo as to what to do. I have times where I know exactly what I want to do and am ready to walk out the door, and then it hits me again about what I am supposed to be doing/living and I start doubting everything. I am just f**ed up.
That's not f*ked up, that's normal lol Have you seen the movie "But I'm a cheerleader"? It's pretty funny but also has a clear message re conversion therapy, might be your thing, might not. Also 'phew' that you are ok with my post
