Hello ECer's. Hope everyone is well. It has been a while since I have posted, but had some items to share, and also solicit some advice. It has been 1 year since I moved out of my house. In the past year I have faced countless challenges, but am still here tying away. One year ago I left my wife and kids at home to pursue a more authentic life and my God it's been a challenge. But, worth it as I think I am finally on the right path. I faced heartbreak, massive anxiety, and depression. I second guessed myself, felt awful for what I was doing, and completely isolated. On the other side of that coin I am developing a better sense of how I work, what I really want in life, and have a new focus on my two girls, whom I love dearly. In addition to moving out, coming out, and trying to survive, I came face to face with my alcoholism. Long story short, I discovered that I was using alcohol to get through life for a very long time. I ended up in rehab for 60 days, and am now out and back to life sans booze. Now, I am face to face with my reality and there is no escape through drugs or alcohol. I am going to AA meetings, and feel better physically. Here is what is coming up now, I entered a relationship last April and am still seeing this person. But, I am realizing I am having a hard time making time for this person, and also craving more time alone to explore the world. This person is amazing, but he is in a much different place in life and I am still racked with grief and anger at how my life has changed. Sobriety teaches you to live independently, and I know this is what I must do. Hopping into another long term, serious relationship after just exiting one seems like it could be a mistake as I am worried that if I don't learn how to deal with myself first, then I will end up pissed off that I was unable to figure out who I am for once in my life. Secondly, I realize I have been very unhappy with my job for many years now and that it is time to think about what I really want to do. This is also overwhelming me, but I am trying to understand there is no hurry. It seems that coming out is just one part of this massive transition. Wow, what a trip. Please share any thoughts or experiences. Thank you all!
Coming out has been part of a big transition for me, too. For me, coming out as bi has been the last step in becoming the real me. The first step was five years ago. My long-time band split up, which was really hard on me. I (like you) was drinking too much. I had to go to the doctor for something unrelated (I think it was a case of bronchitis). My doc did blood work and told me I was overweight, had high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and was prediabetic. He said if I didn't take my health seriously, I'd die sooner rather than later of heart disease. So I took him seriously, gave up drinking, cleaned up my diet, and started exercising. I found out I liked bicycling, and specifically bicycle commuting to work. So I gave my car away to charity (everyone thought I was crazy). I bought a selection of neon outdoor wear and started bicycle commuting in all weather (rain, ice, heat, you name it). I've been car-free for 5 years now and have lost 65 pounds and kept it off. I took a chance at joining a country band (had never played it before, only rock) and now I play out almost every weekend in a great band. Playing sober was an easier switch than I'd though it'd be. The biggest challenge is not getting distracted during songs - my mind tends to wander to problem-solving or deep thoughts when I should be laying down basslines, LOL. I'd already switched religions and political parties a while ago. About the only thing in my life that wasn't where I wanted it was that I was still in the closet. I debated with my wife whether I should come out as bisexual, even though my relationship with her was not changing at all and I wasn't wanting or even thinking of anything else. She thought at first that I was crazy to bring on that kind of challenge. But it can't be any crazier than riding a bike in a thunderstorm in traffic in neon yellow clothing, right? LOL. She backed me up, and last year I went through an amazing journey of coming out to friends and family, which was all kinds of exhilarating, nerve-wracking, exciting, god-awful scary, etc. I think my journey has been a lot easier than yours, though. You are strong to face the kind of challenges you have. I think you are on the right path and I admire your strength. Be you and be awesome!
Hello Adray, Thank you so very much for relating with your story and sharing your side of the journey. My hat is off to you for taking the steps you have to be honest with yourself, your wife, and your friends and family. It also sounds like your health was in jeopardy, which you reversed via life changes and healthy choices. Losing 65 pounds, coming out, being sober, and reinventing yourself is a challenge few will ever endure. You should be very proud! Today, I feel more connected and focused on the good things that are happening. For one, my kids are doing well, and my wife and I, although we are apart, are moving back to a friendship and place of mutual respect. What a journey this has proven to be. Some days I can't help but get bogged down by the fact I have to face that I am gay, and now have to work on my sobriety as well. But, as big as the challenges are, they are necessary for getting myself on track and learning how to live and love once again. It's fascinating how much grief can be associated with loss. I have had some big losses, many other small ones too, but I also stand to gain a new life that will be framed in by what I want and need instead of what society told me I needed. I thank you again for your response. I wish you all the best this year!
You are doing great, ColoradoRyan. Keep up the good progress! I had tried to give up the drinking a couple of times before, but had gone back. What finally worked for me was replacing it in my life with activities that were incompatible with drinking. The bicycling definitely worked for that, because it's hard enough to do when you're feeling good. The other thing I did (and still do) to replace the "escape" that drinking provided, is videogames. I like RPG/action games. I know it sounds nerdy, but I like going into Skyrim, or Amalur, or Dragon's Dogma and crawling through a dungeon killing undead and dragons. It's a great escape for me and it has really worked. I have to balance it with other time demands, but it was a godsend early on and is still a nice escape. 5 years sober in April! You'll get there, you are doing great. All the best to you, too!
