Stressing, jealous of y'all

If you read any of my posts, you know I am 45, married with kids, and yes a lesbian. I thought my world as I knew it would end when I decided to come out to my husband. To my shock, he wants to stay married. How does that work? We have kept open communication through it all. When one of us gets mad, we let go and come back to talk again later.

Well, most here have told me to rip the band aid off and let him go on in life to find his love. I chose to seek counseling. I found a therapist who was also lesbian for myself, and a male gay therapist for couple counseling. I fully expected the couple therapist to tell me and my husband that we needed to separate/divorce. He did not.

He has told us that out of all the MOM couples he has come across, he believes we can make it work. But I guess we are a rare couple as our marriage was never based on passion which my husband for the first time admitted in the session. We have a pragma/philia type of marriage.

When I came out about being a lesbian, I also had to face that it wasn't just my sexual attraction I was hiding. I hid a lot of things about myself to stay in denial. I took on the personality of the man I was with and stopped acknowledging things I liked, things I wanted to do. I became a mirror of the person I was with. So a big part of my coming out was also about finding myself. What are things that make me happy outside of the family, outside of being a mom, a wife? I had hidden that as well just to stay in denial.

How is it all going to work out? I don't know. But I am mature enough to know that sex isn't my end goal in life. We all compromise to some point in any relationship and especially in one that we want to last for the ages. But through open, honest communication and the help of therapist, I am finding me. If my husband chooses to stay through this journey, I can see that I may end up with an open marriage. Either way I am so much happier that I came out not just because I acknowledged I am lesbian, but because I am getting to know me as a person, as an individual. That is what I value most and why I will never go back in the closet.

 

Hi stretching,

bunnydee, and many others here, have come out to their spouses and stayed (or working on staying) in their marriages. Some have found peace just by being their true selves and staying monogamous to their spouse, others have created more open marriages where married partners enjoy their own sexual interests.

Others here, including me, found that their journey required them to end their marriages in order to seek the love and intimacy with their same sex that they needed in order to continue on in life.

And none of us can tell you which of these potential options is right for you. Only you can do that.

In my personal journey, you are at a place I was two and one-half years ago, shortly after coming out to myself and long before coming out to anyone else. I made the choice to stick with the "straight me" and stuff my gay feelings down once again, just like I had done so many years ago. I only made it a couple of years before I broke down and couldn't continue.

I do want you know that the jealousy you feel for the fact that I'm out of the closet, finally free to be me, found total acceptance from my wife, children, family, friends and co-workers, and have separated and still have a great relationship with my wife and kids, is understandable jealousy, but you need to also understand that you are only seeing the end result of a very long period of turmoil, anxiety, fear, grief and sadness - mixed in with feelings of joy, relief, liberation, amazement and excitement. We often use the analogy of a journey, and it's an apt one. It certainly is a journey, and a long one at that.

The only thing you need to begin your journey is a direction. Think carefully, choose one, and take your first step.

Take care. ride: