I made the big steps on paper to separate from my ex. I moved out. We were never legally married, so there's no legal divorce necessary. But all of my stuff is gone from her place. I have a life outside of her for sure. I go on dates. I have sex. I see a therapist and also am doing another coming out therapy group. I feel like I've made all of the right moves... And yet I can't let go. Or, okay, let's be honest - I don't want to let go. Every time I think I'm starting to, I find myself back in that familiar place of hanging out with my ex multiple times a week, and sleeping with her, and basically having a relationship with her. But it isn't a relationship. We both say this all the time. She tells me about the guy she really likes who doesn't seem to have time for her, and that hurts me. She reminds me that we could never work because she's not comfortable with my sexuality, and that sucks because I can't wrap my head around it in the same way. I can't own it as a deal breaker for me even when it clearly should be. I don't know how to not love her. I don't know how to not have her as my best friend. And it makes me feel incredibly lonely thinking about these like phantom relationship motions that we go through, only to be reminded that they're not even real anymore. I have her friends and family mostly disliking me. Wanting her to not spend time with me or speak to me anymore. Getting angry at her and yelling at her about it, particularly her family. Making her feel awful for doing something that shouldn't be causing awful feelings. And then I have my family who still asks if we're hanging out, and clearly wants and hopes that we'll get back together. My friends are different, though some of them gladly say that they think things could work out, but others take a different view and tell me things that I know I don't want to hear. But they're right. I think we're both stopping each other from progressing forward. But then I can't imagine a life where I'm with somebody that isn't her. Where I'm happy in another relationship. Where I can just sit by and be friends with her while some other guy makes her happy. I don't know what to do anymore, because I don't want to let go. I just don't want to.
How long were you together? IS it possible a fear in yourself of never having a relationship with someone else? Or is it that old saying - you don't realize what you had until it's gone? I think you need to find out why you feel the way you do before anything can be done. I know you moved out of the house, but were these things you thought about before leaving? You don't profess that you are gay, so maybe bisexual? If so, then were you happy with your ex? Do you think you could commit to her and only her? It seems that is what she is wanting by saying she is not comfortable with your sexuality. So first you have to decide what it is that you really want. If you only want to be with men or not with her in a committed relationship, then you have to let go. You can't have the safety net although that seems to be what you are trying to do. If you find out you wanted to come out for your own emotional needs, but realize now that you do love her and want a committed relationship with only her, then you would have to sit down and talk to her about that.
I'm with you, ComingOutSwinging. Letting go is hard, and it's even harder when your (soon-to-be) ex is also your business partner and you've decided to continue sharing a house as roommates. We're definitely no longer sexually involved. I'm seeing men and trying to figure out whether I want to be in a new relationship. But after 35 years together, old habits die hard. Somehow we'll work it out and move on. I just think it's going to take more time than I originally expected. We can't just turn a switch and have everything different.
Let me know when you find the solution to that. I am in a similar spot I still love my ex even though she hurt me deeply. I can't seem to be able to make room for someone new in my heart. Whenever even a remote opportunity presents itself I feel like I would be cheating to pursue it so I shut everything down before it even starts. .. which is stupid because she had moved on to sleep with another behind my back before even ending our relationship, she told me clearly that the problem is that she wants a hetero man in her life, not a trans woman. So why on earth would I still be waiting... I shouldn't feel guilty. I should be able to move on . yet.. here I am. Holding on to a ghost of an illusion for no good reason. ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2017 at 09:19 PM ---------- Maybe all there's needed is time
Hopefully your still talking to your therapist regarding your codependcy tendencies as well as your fear of being alone. You definite seem stuck swirling around a whirlpool without a proper paddle to push you forward.
if you still love her then get back with her and try for a second chance, but if you want to be with someone else then it's best you finally close out this chapter with your ex. this limbo you're hanging out on is not the best place for you and your ex. this loose relationship you have with your ex is not fair for you, your ex, the person your dating and the person she's dating. you can't have your cake and eat it too. it's too self indulgent and frankly, selfish. as difficult and harsh as it may sound, the only real way for you two to really move forward is just really go for it and cut the cord. as cliche as it sounds, if you really love your ex, set her free. only time will tell if you two are really meant to be. go be with someone else or if need be, go have some alone time. maybe travel and discover new places. you might surprise yourself and discover new things about you too.
