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Not at this age?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Contented, Jan 23, 2017.

  1. Contented

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    Until I accidentally found EC I thought like most of us that I was the only person in the world experiencing a sudden attraction to the same gender. I also thought that I was either in the middle of a giant middle age crisis or going off the deep end! Luckily I found out it was probably neither. That being said I am no less confused about the recent turn of events regarding my sexuality. I apologize in advance if this is on the long side however I have to get this off my chest.
    I am or at least was a 51 yo straight guy, recently divorced ( not related to sexuality only money) dating a very attractive younger woman. Our sex life was fine and we got along great. We had two careers going so we saw each other when it worked, and it seemed to work fine.As far as I can remember I have never harbored any interest in guys. I was not homophobic,etc in anyway simply never entered my mind that I could be attracted to another male.
    About 14 month ago I meet a guy through a business assignment. He was brought in as a consultant and I worked directly with him. He was in his early forties, well build, good looking, friendly, very smart, some what effeminate but not overtly and open gay. Not that he made of issue of it, just didn't hide it. He was hit with everyone on the staff male & female. On many occasions we all partied together after some stressful weeks and he was the life of the party most of time with out being obnoxious.
    As time went on I found myself working with him more and more as the assignment progressed. The more I worked with him and got to know him the more I liked him.
    We started going out a beer or cocktail from time to time and seemed to enjoy each others company. Over time we open up to each other about our lives and experiences.
    More and more I found myself wanting to spend time with him, we started texting regularly and chatting on the phone. This started to concern me because I started to feel attracted to him beyond just friendship. At first I dismissed it as just my weird idea but as time when on I found myself more and more interested. I was petrified as how could I, a 100% straight male start having sexual thought about this younger guy. The more I fought the thoughts the stronger it has become. I could believe this was happening to me. I think we both realized that we had some chemistry going on however we were both careful not to do anything that would escalate. There was no doubt we were both attracted to each other but not acting on it. We continued to go out together and groups however I simply couldn't get him out of my mind. My fantasies more and more revolved around him. As weird as it seems to me to say this I feel I want to be a in exclusive relationship with him. I desperately tried not to feel this way however it doesn't work that way.
    I looked at some gay porn in hopes that would "scare" me back to the straight an narrow. After my initial distaste for it, I started to find it arousing, again this distressed me. To make matters worse I started to fantasize about him during intimate sexual moments with my girlfriend. I felt incredibly guilty when this would happen but could not help myself. Lately I find myself losing interest sexually and emotionally in the girlfriend. I even saw a therapist who by the way was useless in helping!
    I constantly think about him, fantasize about having a sexually relationship with him however I a scared out of my wits. How can one go from one extreme to the other. Can one go from straight to gay in the course of short period of time. I don't subscribe to the theory that 'I was always gay" and just deeply masking it. But I don't have an explanation for what is happening to me now either.
    More and more I feel draw to telling him exactly how I feel, I think he knows and might be waiting for me to make a move first. A mutual friend indicated that he was very attracted to me as well. I am just beside myself with doubt and worry but I seem to a be drawn to making a choice here.
    Any insights, on a older guy discovering interest in another younger guy and it working?
     
  2. justaguyinsf

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    Very articulate explanation. It is what it is and you're free to explore what you're feeling or not. I don't see how or why an explanation would matter. As we say in my line of work ... it speaks for itself.
     
  3. I'm gay

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    Perhaps you haven't always been gay. Perhaps you've always been bisexual and didn't know it until you met a guy you click with.

    I agree with justaguyinsf, just embrace what's happening now and explore it if you are willing to do so. It may never come around again with another guy, so why not explore these feelings if you're willing to. Love is love.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  4. Contented

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    Thanks for the reply! Not sure about bisexual; could have been but not aware.
    Can tell you lately feel gay not bi. And frankly it feels right. I close to action on it.
    Just apprehensive.
     
  5. quebec

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    ConfusedEast...I can see why you would be confused! But you do remind me of someone who found that it wasn't a matter of being gay or being straight, of being attracted to men or women. He was/is attracted to the person, to their personality with the fact that they are male or female being secondary. This is not really being Bi. I think it is actually a wonderful but very confusing gift of being able to look beyond a persons sexuality to the real person that is there and find love and fulfillment in probably the most honest and authentic that there could possible be......David
     
  6. Contented

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    A very interesting insight for sure. I can certainly see that as a valid possibility. In my case I believe my sexual orientation is changing which may explain my interest in my co worker. Frankly I am starting to feel " gay" whatever that means and I like the feeling. Somehow at this time in my life it feels right . The longer it goes on the more. comfortable I am and moving towards at least acknowledging the attraction with him. Also I think this transition is much more fundamental as I have lost all interested in women in general and it has become just about impossible to be intimate with my gf. I should be upset by this however in most ways it seems like a validation of changes I feel. I don't want to hurt her or anyone but lately the idea of sexual relations with her just grosses me out. This from a guy who for 50 years was a dyed in wool straight male. Very weird.
     
  7. r2de2baca

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    i think it is important not to feel like you have to label yourself as gaubor straight or bi. what we do know is that you have had successful relationships with women and for the first time you have found yourself attracted to a man. i believe sexuality is more fluid than what we are told to believe it is. you could be into this guy but not into any other guys. who knows. who cares. what we know is that you are into him and you want to explore that. so here is what you have to ask yourself:

    1. Do you want to come out and tell the guy you are attracted to him? Sounds like the answer is yes.
    2. Is it safe for you to do that at work? Sounds like the answer there is yes.
    3. Does he know you have a girlfriend?
    4. What do you want with him if the feeling is mutual? Do you want to have a hookup? Do you want to date him and then make it exclusively dating? Are you going to date him in secret while dating the current girlfriend? Are you going to breakup with her first and then explore dating him? If you break up with her she is going to ask why. Do you have a good reason you are ready to explain to her about why you want to end the relationship?

    If we take gender out of it the situation would basically be the same if the object of your interest was a new hot woman working there that you hit it off with and fantasized about. Would you be prepared to leave your girlfriend for someone new if it was a woman?

    Only you can know whats best for you but my personal feeling is that you have to determine if this is a sexual curiosity or if you want a relationship possibly with the guy. to me it sounds as your interests in him are both physical and emotional/relationship oriented. if you wanted to bang a hot guy in new york to get the curiosity out of your system, they are all around you and you seem to be in high demand so it woukd be no problem.

    to me it sounds like this particular man u have feelings for and want to explore. but i think we all know that a new successful monagamous relationship cant be started upon lies and if you are still in a relationship with someone else. starting out by cheating just doesnt seem to be a great start or fair to the new guy or the current girlfriend. sure he may be ok with dating you while you are dating her but are you ok with that? you have to ask yourself these questions.

    the current girlfriend doesnt do it for you anymore. who knows this guy my not do it for you either. but to test the waters with him and use her as a backup plan if it doesnt work out i dont think will serve anyone well in the future.

    i leave you with this... lets imagine your job sucked and you hated it now. you have grown bord with it. a friend tells you about a new start up company where it seems fun and exciting to work there. if things work out you'll have a great title fun new atmosphere but the company is new and the security you have currently at your current job is not the same with this new one. in fact in 6months theres a great chance the company could go under but you feel so excited about it inside and if it works you could make millions. What do you do?
    Remember you are miserbale at your current job.

    My guess is that even if you dont take the job with the new startup company...eventully you will start looking around for a different company that will make you happier so you can leave the current one. Your current girlfriend is the current company. The guy at work is the start-up.

    good luck
     
  8. Contented

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    Great insight early40's, very cogent and logical.
    I get the label thing however labels really don't bother me.
    At to your other points, here is some feedback.
    I do feel that I am working towards telling him and asking him out.
    The workplace would not be issue however I would not broadcast it.
    I didn't do that before so why would I now.
    He does know I have a girlfriend as we have talked about our lives as we got to know one another.
    This however I think shortly will be a moot point as we are as good as over. I think as I lost
    Interest she did as well. We were kind of going through the motions. So I don't see that as especially problematic.
    Indeed you are correct I am not looking for a hook up. I am interested in him both romantically and emotionally. The ideal would be to start dating and hopefully make it exclusive. In order for me to be intimate with someone I have to be in some type of relationship.
    While I am hoping things would work out with him, if not I think I would look to date another guy. I can't see myself going back to dating women, at that what I feel.
    Again I hope that he and I hit it off and can begin building a relationship. This would also mean coming out at sometime , while it is a scary thought it is mostly likely in my future.
    I don't see how it would work out otherwise. He is openly gay.
     
  9. r2de2baca

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    awesome then younarein such a great place and the confidence you have definitely comes through the typing. the realationship with the girlfriend sounds nearly over soo....what are you waiting for? you have gotten to know him as a friend for over a year now. i think its time to just open up to him and tell him how you feel and let him know you have no expectations and if he doesnt feel the same way its cool but you wanted to get it off your chest and take a shot to see if he would be interested in going on a date.
     
  10. Contented

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    After all is said and done the only part that scares me is actually asking him out.
    Like most, I fear rejection especially as I transition in my sexual orientation.
    I am older, while in good shape not his kind of shape, I have the hetero baggage, etc.
    I know I will ask him I am justing working up the nerve.
     
  11. r2de2baca

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    im sure you are hot and it sounds like he likes you. if nothing else you can be gym buddies.many gay couples are.i fear rejection too but dont have a problem putting myself out there for it. it sucks when it happens but i always tell myself...."thats one "what-if" i never have to think about again. someone i like had a better body than me as well and im nervous about being rejected if he doesnt like it.
     
  12. Contented

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    You are indeed funny my friend ...hot! Don't I wish.
     
  13. r2de2baca

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    well if he isnt interested ill pack up and move to nyc and we can date lol....sounds like we both relatively inexperienced lol just joking as this is not a dating site lol
     
  14. Contented

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    I do wish there was a similar site locally. It seems the people on EC are so supportive and understanding. They get the struggles and the concerns without judgements .It would make a hell of a real dating site.
     
  15. r2de2baca

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    i was justtttttt thinking this. many of the guys are at the same level and many want realtionships and understand why someone may want to take things slow or be cautious. the regular gay dating options are just way too fast for me and the guys could care less about your personal hangups. ill create my own app.hahah
     
  16. Contented

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    I think it might be something worth pursuing. I am certain there is a need for that type of app to serve a certain gay client.
     
  17. I'm gay

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    Guys, the gay dating apps are what you make of them. Sure, many there just want quick hookups, but not everyone. There are plenty of people on them that specifically say in their profiles that they are not into hookups, that they're looking for dating and relationships.

    I have met people through the apps who know about my past baggage - because I told them while chatting with them.

    I know the apps get a bad rap because they are used a lot for quick hookups. But they don't have to be, and plenty of guys are using them for their own purposes. It can work, but you have to be specific about what you are looking for.

    Just my 2 cents.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  18. r2de2baca

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    so are u scared about sex with a guy or are u ready to try it out? do you have any religious shame or societal invoked shame on homosexuality?
     
  19. Contented

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    I am pretty sure I am comfortable with homosexuality. I am also sure that at some point I will make the decision to come out to everyone.
    I am not at scared about the sexual aspect just the rejection aspect of my changed orientation.
     
  20. Contented

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    I'm Gay- hope I don't have to use an app but would not be adverse if my situation doesn't work out. I know some sites are strictly for hook ups and that would be gross in my estimation. My concern would be not being out as of yet and needing to pot a picture. I am very leery of that. Again depending on what happens I might avail myself of such a site.
    Thanks. The information and people on EC are so extremely insightful and helpful. What a marvelous tool for those of us struggling with our situations.