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Afraid of Sex

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by r2de2baca, Jan 24, 2017.

  1. r2de2baca

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    I posted on a previous thread about shame and guilt. something related to that is that I am afraid of sex. although i am attracted to guys and eventually would like to be in a loving sexual relationship with one, i feel like im terrified of sex or "going on the way". part of it has to do with my own insecurities regarding my body and my lack of sexual experience. i wonder is my body good enough. will he like my body. although i work out, i still do not have the perfect body and feel ashamed about small areas of fat. i also think since i am not very experienced will i be even "good at it". will it turn him off if i do not know what to do or im scared. will he be patient with me since i'm sure he is used to very experienced guys. i also feel shame that i'm in my 40s and still not very experienced in this area. i am insecure that it will be turn off to most gay guys. i also think "what if i don't even like the sex?" you mean, i put myself through all this torture and i don't even like the sex? although i've made out with guys my all the way experience is almost non-existant. in a way, i feel like it's a second coming out to guys to tell them that at my age, im not the sex machine they may think i would be given my age. sure i want to get freaky like everyone else but i have a lot of gay sex shame issues and insecurities and i'm just very afraid to go forward with it not to mention std/hiv fears. i know there are logical ways to protect yourself against these fears (prep, PEP, condoms, testing before sex), but of course, i have anxieties about those too (will the condom break, do i want to be on a random pill every day what will it do to me down the road, nothing is std full proof, will he be offended or turned off if i suggest testing pre-sex). so ultimately all the anxiety just leaves me very sex-negative and of course there's the after effects....since i still am in a gay-shame cycle will i be depressed after the sex.....

    anyone been here before
     
  2. baristajedi

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    These are all valid fears, but I believe most of them can be overcome by being with a kind, patient partner you feel a connection with. You can communicate your fears, or at the very least expect understanding from someone who is kind and patient who genuinely cares for you. And your fears will be lessened by feeling that kind of safety.

    I find myself really getting a bit scared because I know this woman I'm seeing wants to take things to that level, likely next time we see eachother... I realise for myself a lot of it fear of vulnerability. Because with a woman I can really feel all of that need and desire that I can't with men. Do you think that plays a part in it for you? For me, knowing this, it only confirms how damn gay I am and how much this kind of intimacy is necessary for me.
     
  3. WarmEmbrace

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    I don't think in this day and age asking someone to test pre-sex, especially anal sex, should be seen as offensive. If they take offence at that and avoid it, even after I explain them why it is important for me, it is already a red flag. Heck hepatitis C ( i think) can be transmitted though kisses alone...

    I have my yearly blood-work done around february, and since last year when my long term relationship fell apart, I also include in that the usual STD tests, but would take them again at a start of a relationship if my special someone would ask me to.

    Maybe I would do it far more often If I'd be the one night stand type to seek hookups on apps and clubs :grin:

    On the doubt abut body image, I'm on the same boat with you :slight_smile:. Even though I have been assured by others that I look quite nice, and have nothing to be ashamed of, for me there's the gender dysphoria that obliterates any looks-related self esteem. It goes goes way beyond body fat percentage, to the curvature of my eye sockets, shape of the head, size of the nose, wrist thickness, hair, and more recently fine wrinkles on the face :/ .

    ---------- Post added 24th Jan 2017 at 02:07 PM ----------

    and of course, the obvious parts being wrong :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 24th Jan 2017 at 02:10 PM ----------

    If the other person has had a good time and likes to cuddle after, I cannot possibly be depressed after sex :grin:.
     
  4. Morse Code

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    These types of insecurities are normal, but finding a partner who is good for you will make it more likely that these shouldn't be big problems. A lot of people of all orientations struggle with that unfortunately.
     
  5. looking for me

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    I think testing is just good sense and manners in this day and age....

    and as for body image, none of us are perfect far from it.

    and experience, you say you've made out with guys, I envy you because I haven't even held hands with a guy. so you're doing better than you think.
     
  6. r2de2baca

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    thanks all. so when is it ok to have the talk about this...date two? also when is it ok to have the std/hiv talk? i really want to know if the guy will be ok with me being more slow sexually but not sure how to bring it up. maybe i should wait a bit?
     
  7. WarmEmbrace

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    It really also depends on the other person and their own pace, if you try top open up and connect with them you'll have a feeling on when it might be right or not. Second date might be okay for some, or too soon for others, and it also depends how you phrase it / frame it so it feels more natural (less like an " agenda for second date" that you had set-up previously :slight_smile: ).
     
  8. justaguyinsf

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    I also think your concerns and anxieties are very normal. One way to stop them from taking over is to ask yourself whether your partner is pleasing to you and whether you are enjoying the experience. I doubt that lack of experience is going to be a big deal with most people ... most people just want their partners to be enjoying themselves while making love, so if you make sure that is happening your partner will likely think things are great! As for testing ... that's a personal decision but obviously one that would work only in a situation where the sex is something other than casual. But condoms are pretty effective and remember that there are a lot of things to do sexually that don't involve penetration.