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How did it all turn out this way?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jan 24, 2017.

  1. baristajedi

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    I'm in one of those introspective moods, I hope you all aren't getting tired of these introspective posts! Just thinking about where I am, where my life's heading, where I've been.

    A few weeks ago, I came out to my ex-boyfriend, who's now a good friend, and I joked with him that our mutual friend's story that he'd written about me predicted my future wrong, who knew I'd end up being a gay single mom living where I am, (in a lovely city) far from home.

    And when I think about it, and think about the windy path of my journey, it really feels like I've come quite a long way. Life really is funny. There was a point where I was asking myself a lot of the time, how did I get here? And that question made me feel lost and scared. It felt like I was so far from home, and I don’t mean my literal home, I mean, far from everything familiar. It felt like I couldn't find an anchor to grasp onto to find my way.

    Now I ask that question and it fills me with excitement and hope and the feeling of possibility. How *did* I get here? I'm not sure, but everyday the puzzle pieces of my life are falling into place and I like what it's becoming.

    It seems like it should be painful and difficult and scary, and well, yes it has been, and it is, and I'm sure it will continue to be. But it's also amazing and real and right.

    I'm in the middle of a separation, my family is across the ocean, the plan I had for my daughter (to settle back down at home with her cousins and huge family network, and my wonderful loving friends), that plan likely won’t come true. The last year and a half of my life has been quite a challenge - coming out and going through the separation far from everyone I love, at the start with no friends around. And now I'm in a precarious and scary, vulnerable position with my heart. I'm dating, and I know I'm falling for this really wonderful woman, but I also know because of each of our own limitations, we don't have a future, it will end, and it will likely hurt like hell. And I am just on the brink of being a single mom, doing it all alone.

    But I'm so incredibly happy. Changing this one thing about my life changes everything. Letting myself be gay, changes so much about how my life feels. I'm so happy letting myself *be*. Be me, be gay, be proud, be real, be vulnerable. I am such a happier person for letting go of the performance, letting go of the life that, at one point, I thought was supposed to make me happy. Real happiness comes from the scarier more difficult path sometimes. I love being gay, I love getting to be me.
     
  2. WarmEmbrace

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    (*hug*)
    Congrats Barista :slight_smile: That's a lovely tone to end the introspection on ! :grin:.
     
  3. Whoami33

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    Ah this is such an inspiring post <3 Well done to you for being so brave and following your heart, it is by far not the easiest route. I'm about to embark on a single gay mum journey too and I'm scared, but reading such a positive post is very reassuring :slight_smile:
     
  4. baristajedi

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    Thanks warmembrace!!

    Whoami, I'm so glad this can help you, that's really touching to hear. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm really happy :slight_smile: and i feel like my instincts to fight for my needs were right. You will get there. (&&&)
     
  5. Whoami33

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    Thanks baristajedi. I hope I can get to where you are. Things just feel so hard at the moment, there's always a reason for denial and facing up to it is the hardest thing. But like you, I know it's a battle worth fighting!