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Struggling...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Whoami33, Jan 24, 2017.

  1. Whoami33

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    Although I have come a long way in a reasonably short space of time, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and down at the moment.

    I'm doing everything right - seeing a counsellor to help me navigate coming out, I've got the support of friends and family, even my ex partner is just so fantastic and supportive. But I still feel so restless and anxious...

    I have feelings for a friend of mine who I've known for a very long time and I can't shake it... I obsess about her all the time and I just don't know what to do about it. I'm still living with my ex and she's in a straight relationship so the situation is difficult to say the least. We both have kids. But I think she has feelings for me too so I can't just let it go.

    Has anyone been through anything similar? I keep telling myself it will all be ok and I will find peace with myself and my situation eventually, but sometimes I struggle to beleive it :-(
     
  2. CameOutSwinging

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    Do you have any idea if she's gay or bi? If she's completely straight, it would seem like you should definitely take whatever steps you need to for moving on from her.
     
  3. Whoami33

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    She's had girlfriends in the past. It's a really complicated situation and I don't want to force myself to move on if it could really be something... but I am new to feelings of this magnitude so just don't really know what to do with myself!
     
  4. CameOutSwinging

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    Maybe talk to her? See where her head is at? Confirm if she has any feelings for you? Again, if there's nothing there, you're only torturing yourself. Though given that she's not single, it could be torture either way.
     
  5. r2de2baca

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    i have been there and done that with the whole unavailable straight friend crush. after much time and distance here is why i think it is so common:

    *you dont want to come out and your best friend or friend seems safe and understanding of you even if the rest of the world isnt. seems like a great person to start with.

    *its sooo much easier to contain the gayness to a small circle where you feel safe and where you can still hide because the thought of going to gay mainstream in search of love is super scary and you have to put yourself out there. with someone closer to you, you can fantasize about them and wishful think until the cows come home without having to out yourself out to the full-in gay world. its like keeping the training wheels on.

    *unavailable people are easier to fantasize about because in the back of your mind you know theres a great likelihood nothing will come from it and you wont have to put yourself out there for the potential heartache and acceptance and outing yourself within the gay community that you have to go through if you want to find an available lesbian woman for dating.

    my advice is to work on you put your energy and focus into your own coming iut orocess and what you want to do with your current relationship and home life. only once you are in a good olace will you be able to be in a good place to be a partner to anyone else..whether that is your friend or someone else. i also feel like we all have crushes gay or straight but if the person or you are not available then even though you like them, the best thing to do would be to pursue something when both of you are avilable and single. lets say she is gay and does like you. then what? both are in relationship. both have kids and i would assume both arent all the way comfortable yet with their sexuality. there are just a lot of moving parts and i think it would be best for you to get on a solid foundation for your own life first so that whether things work out with her or someone else you will be already in a good place regarding your sexuality either way.
     
  6. Whoami33

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    Thanks both of you. I am torturing myself that's for sure! I think I will tell her what i'm going through re coming out as she's just about the only person close to me I haven't told now and gauge it from there. I think it's more than a safe crush, these feelings for her have always been underlying I realise now. You're right I do have to focus on myself though and let her figure her stuff out too. So hard though it's driving me crazy!
     
  7. 7889

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    I am relatively new to this site but am amazed my how similar the process of comming out later in life is for many women.
    I know this post is a month old but I too went head over heals (crush) for a friend and just had to find out if the feelings were reciprocated.
    In any such situations it almost always seems that the woman crushed on does not share the same feelings.
    I wonder if anyone had a happily ever after story?
     
    #7 7889, Feb 26, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2017
  8. Moonsparkle

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    Hi Whoami33,

    If you are sensing she has feelings for you, you may be right. But having feelings for you and her willingness to act on them are two different things. She may prefer to maintain the status quo in her straight relationship for now, for any number of reasons. Things can get even more complicated when kids, especially young kids are involved. I would probably discuss your feelings with her. And see what her response is. I know this is a scary thing to do, but at this point she is taking up a lot of time and space in your head--and you are not even sure where you stand.

    BTW glad you are seeing a counselor and have supportive friends and family! So important--I started seeing a therapist too and it has certainly been invaluable as I progress through this journey!

    To 7889:

    I actually DID have the 'feelings are reciprocated' crush on the best friend story that sure SEEMED to be (at first) a fantasy come true and a happily ever after story!

    We had been friends for a year or two...I was so attracted to her, but kept this hidden, I didn't want to lose the friendship after all! (She had been in both lesbian and straight relationships, I had only been with men.) At times I would feel like she was attracted to me too, but then I would convince myself it was just me projecting my feelings. One day, out of the blue, she nervously admitted that she was attracted to me and wondered if I felt the same. This was like a dream come true! I was on top of the world! Long long story short: we began a relationship and had a wonderful year together. The situation became complicated and ultimately it became clear that, though we love each other, we just don't want (or need) the same things in life-- and I needed to end the relationship as it was just becoming too painful for me. The most difficult thing for me ever, and the end to the happily ever after story.

    I guess my point here is that yes, it can happen where you are crushing on a friend and they are crushing right back! And it can end happily...for me though it wasn't happily ever after:icon_sad:

    It's been a several months since we broke up and it has been a long and difficult road getting over her, but I am making progress.