The book Farm Boys has done it again - sexual development reflected upon

I have finished reading the book Farm Boys by Will Fellows. On pg 319 of 322, the sentence. "A woman in Milwaukee commented that Farm Boys helped her to better understand how her husband's farm background had likely delayed his sexual development....."

The words "sexual development" stopped me dead in my tracks. I stared off into space, a blank look on my face. I reflected....a little spontaneous internet searching....soon I had information, "there are steps to sexual development? REALLY! News to me.

Instantly I thought about when I was 14. My mom angrily hounding me about a simple early adolescent incident I had with another 14 year old boy. She wanted to know everything. Her cross examinations did not stop, her anger grew each month. I did not tell her ever. Why? Because I did not think it was any of her business and it was just a simple incident. No one stood up to my mom, no one. Her anger grew to apocalyptic proportions.

I had no one to help me - no one in my life to connect with me. I had no role models. I thought about running away or committing suicide - at the age of 15.

She finally had enough. She sent me to a "special school" where I learned homophobia. I was beat up many times. We were made to stand naked, then ridiculed. And now I keep hearing cries and screams in the middle of the night, kids being possibly sodomized with a broom handle "in the special room" - Im having a hard time with this memory.

I never did anything bad again. Yep my sexual development was stopped dead in its tracks starting at the age of 14.

---------- Post added 25th Jan 2017 at 08:34 AM ----------

Follow up. Only after she died, was I amble to ask myself the question, I'm a gay?

 

I will take the liberty to embellish quoted material above - thank you for the post. My parents (mainly my mom) did not do those things intentionally. She did not say, ~"you little bastard (you little fagot) I'm going to get you for crossing me." Her actions were unintentional and/or subconscious (automatic), which translates into being VERY HARD TO ANALYZE AND DETECT. This can be the case with mental abuse. Her actions where per her programming, per her super religious background she was raised in.

In another part of Farm Boys, Heinz Koenig, pg 180. "When Lloyd [high school counselor] took me [a gay high school kid] home to talk with my parents, [about going to college] my dad struck him and threw him off the farm. I was then taken to the side of the barn where I was tied hands above my head, my pants were pulled down, and I was beaten with his wide belt until blood oozed on my back, buttocks, and thighs. When my screams became to loud, he stuck his bandanna in my mouth and tied it in place with a bit of rein. I was left tied up outside all night......"

It was this testimonial that got me thinking. The abuse that occurred to me was mostly mental. Well at first mental, the physical came later. Mental abuse is VERY HARD TO DETECT it leaves little to no physical trace.

Slight change in subject. For the longest time I did not know why I could relate to young people who have been abused so well. I would talk to runaways and kids I meet out and about and instantly connect with them. It's because I can relate 100% to their abuse. I've been there.

I hope this post helps other. It was painful to write.