I've been processing a lot lately. I thank everyone here for reading and responding to my sometimes lengthy posts. As most of you know i have already come out to my husband and son, and have been debating what to do next. I had another session Thursday with my counselor. She has helped me so much. She opened my eyes to all the guilt I have held on to over issues with my mom. I think at one point she even said she didn't see how I could even be walking around with all the guilt and shame I carry. I have lived in so much fear of how my mom sees me, trying my best to be the perfect daughter to a woman who never wanted a daughter. Because of that need within myself to somehow one day win her approval of me, I gave up me. I became the doormat trying to never disappoint anyone; I became the needy always relying on a man to support me. I hid behind the old-fashioned view of women - sahm raise the kids while husband provides. I felt that was what I was supposed to be to be right to gain approval. I thought to want anything else was selfish because it would go against what I felt I needed to do. Then today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was watching Young & Hungry and my husband sat down watched a few seconds of it and asked me to change it. I knew immediately it was because the scene on was about a gay guy. At that moment reality hit home. Even though I came out and announced I am lesbian, it didn't matter. I am still here living a lie in the world of heteronormality. My husband doesn't get it. He is never going to get it as long as I am willing to keep the play going. So all day I thought. I do believe in God and God has given me every opportunity to come out to the world and be who I am. I am the one who keep refusing to do so. I look back on myself at 17 when I walked next door to my neighbors who I knew were a lesbian couple and I remember so much wanting to ask them how was it to be out. I had blocked that from my memory. Looking through my life there have been so many opportunities for me to face the truth and I didn't. I know I can't be me and live here, living a lie. I can't even watch a tv show that I nor my daughter even think twice about watching. What does that say? I've never lived on my own. I've never supported myself. I need to prove to myself more than anything that I can do that. I need to become a proud, self-reliant, self-sufficient woman. Someone my daughter can look up to, and so when she has her own doubts in life she will know she can be her own answer. So I've decided. This week I will sit my husband down and really talk with him. Explain that as hard as it is going to be for both of us, I will be moving out this summer. I am going to get a job, get an apartment hopefully close by, and we will continue to be supportive parents together but not together. We both need this. It doesn't matter how much he wants us to stay together, I need more.
Wow, bunnydee, good for you!! I know how difficult this decision is and I'm learning about the challenges of going this path right now. You've got this bunnydee!!! I'm so proud of you for making this tough decision.
Bunny, I relate to a lot of the feelings you have/had. There were several times in my younger years where I just desperately wanted to be out. Sometimes I actually identified as gay to my friends at the time, but never got very far with it. I always shuffled back in the closet and kept trying to live the life I thought others would expect of me. I also agree with your outlook on moving out and being a good example to your daughter. With my ex and I splitting, one big thing for me was I wanted to succeed by myself and set the example for my daughters that they don't *need* a relationship to get by, or feel validated in any way. I think you are taking very brave steps, you should be very proud, and I wish you nothing but the best of luck.
it's a hard path but worth it to be yourself and not a shadow of someone else. im learning that too. you can do this, and we'll be here to cheer you on, or give a shoulder to cry on if you need one. investigate education opportunities as well as employment, unless you already have academic credentials. (*hug*) ---------- Post added 30th Jan 2017 at 09:58 AM ---------- bye the way.....YAY YOU!!!!(!)(!)
I watched a great video and it was about praise and power of self-praise when we feel praise deficit. You were waiting for your mom to praise you which never happened but what you can do is to praise yourself instead. What I can recommend you to do is to start telling yourself repeatedly every day that you're are a good daughter or whatever else you need to hear and you'll see the difference after you let the praise in. Much love (*hug*)
Congrats bunnydee!:eusa_danc (*hug*) Staying true to yourself and having honest talks about this with your husband may seem incredibly difficult, but it is the healthiest ( or most healthy ?) approach. (&&&)
