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Too late to bloom?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Carmel67, Jan 30, 2017.

  1. Carmel67

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    I'm a 49 year old woman with a grown up child and always assumed I was 100% straight, even though I've been single for quite a while. Last year I met a gay woman and (to my complete surprise) developed a massive crush on her. About 3 months ago I plucked up my courage and told her her how I felt. She said she was willing to be friends and then see where things went from there. Unfortunately, I'm still stuck firmly in the friend zone with her and am starting to lose hope of anything more with her.

    Initially, I thought my feelings were just about her but recently I felt a very strong physical attraction to another woman. So now I think maybe I'm attracted to women generally (rather than just one in particular). I also now feel completely disinterested in the opposite sex, so I'm leaning towards thinking maybe I'm gay rather than bisexual.

    I'm very lucky to come from a tolerant family and community so I don't really have any real anxiety about being bisexual or gay. TBH I dont really understand why so many people seem to have such an aversion to 'being labelled.' For me, I kinda feel like I want to have a label, so I can find my tribe and become part of a community.

    I've told around 15 people in my inner circle (including my Mum and son) that I'm attracted to this woman. I have been incredibly fortunate to find acceptance from everyone so far. But there are a few things that bother me:

    (1) I kinda feel like a fraud because at this stage I've never done anything physical with a woman. Yes I like lesbian porn and have lesbian fantasies but so do many straight women. Until I have sex, how can I know whether I am sexually attracted to women or just emotionally attracted to them? I don't want to have a one night stand because I still really like this woman and it would feel like cheating.

    (2) I feel like I need to know whether I've always been gay/bi and just somehow failed to notice this about myself or repressed it subconsciously (in which case I must be seriously disconnected from my own feelings). Or if this is a recent shift in sexuality (in which case how can I be sure its not just temporary menopausal madness)?

    (3) I'm worried that I will never find a partner because gay women of my age will (understandably) be wary of getting involved with someone who is effectively a 50 year old virgin:lol:
     
  2. greatwhale

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    I'll quote Rev. Martin Luther here:

    I'll address each of your three points:

    1) You seem to be very much in touch with how you feel, both physically and emotionally, that is enough to know. You may go through an experimentation phase, but be wary of entering into sexual relationships as an experiment, you are dealing with human beings, they come with emotions, thoughts and feelings too...savour each experience without an agenda.

    2) Even if it were "temporary menopausal madness", then, so be it, this is where you are at this moment in your life! Savour it! The past is gone, it doesn't exist, its only function is to guide you so that you can avoid making the mistakes you made in your youth.

    3) I would ask you to set aside a chair where you live, free of interruptions, and worry for exactly 5 minutes. After this time, consider how far this worry has carried you forward in life. Once you realize that you are still sitting in that chair and that nothing has happened, resolve then to instead use that mental energy toward more productive endeavours; such as seeking someone to date. It has never been easier, with online dating sites that cater almost to every need. Rule of thumb: if you meet someone online who looks promising, get offline as soon as possible and set a date and place to meet. Your first meeting should be in a public place, listen twice as often as you talk, and see where it goes!
     
  3. Carmel67

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    Wow thanks so much greatwhale. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me such a thoughtful and practical response. I will sit and reflect on what you have said.
     
  4. Lexington

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    Imagine waking up outside the gates of Disneyland at 2pm, with an all-day pass in your hand. You can spend the rest of the day kicking yourself for sleeping the entire morning away, or you can get your tail into the park and start having fun.

    I know which one would get my vote. :slight_smile:

    1. Easy answer - you don't know. It might be an emotional-only thing, it might be full-on love...or it might flame out after a short time. But that's sort of how relationships work. People are dynamic, and they can change over time. But if you're both interested, there's no reason to not give it a go.

    2. Again, no real way of knowing. And, more importantly, it doesn't really matter. I don't have any idea why I'm gay, or why I'm attracted to the guys I'm attracted to. But I do know that submitting to those attractions is awesome. :slight_smile:

    3. Totally valid question - there IS a chance you might in fact be unable to find somebody. But I can guarantee you won't find anybody if you DON'T make any moves. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  5. Carmel67

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    Thanks Lex, I love that analogy! You are absolutely right about not getting bogged down in thinking about the past or worrying about the future or trying to figure out all the answers. I've spent too much of my life spinning my wheels.
     
  6. Moonsparkle

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    Hi Carmel, I guess I feel somewhat 'qualified' to reply since I too just turned 49 and am also a late bloomer!

    I too always thought I was straight. A couple of years ago I met a woman (who has had experience with women and is bisexual.) We became best friends, but there was always also an undercurrent of flirtation, lots of touching and affection. As best friends we shared everything, and developed a very deep emotional bond. I found myself very attracted to her but was confused by this and also afraid to share my feelings and lose her in case she didn't feel the same. Anyway, a year into the friendship we both admit to a mutual attraction/love for each other, and we started a physical relationship and became girlfriends. I also assumed this relationship was just about this particular woman, that she was my exception to my 'straight' life. We were together about a year-are no longer together, we still love each other but the situation was complicated and ultimately we do not want the same things. But like you I learned that my attraction to women wasn't just about 'this woman', as I am now finding myself attracted to other women too.

    Not sure it will be helpful but from just from my personal experience and perspective I wanted to comment on your points.

    --I do believe you can 'know' you are a lesbian even if you have never had a physical relationship with a woman. So you are definitely not a 'fraud' in your feelings! In my experience what I found is that its the deep emotional bond with a woman that is the main attraction and then the sex just sort of flows and is a true expression of this bond. And it sounds like you have/are experiencing these emotional feelings toward a woman. I just never experienced this deep emotional connection with a man (which is sort of sad, I dated men and was married to a man for several years!!!). When my girlfriend and I first became physical I was really surprised how NOT nervous I was--being a newbie and all. It just felt natural and right and easy. So I don't think it's about whether or not you have experienced the physical act of sex with a woman yet. Believe me I was deep in love and bonded with this woman for MONTHS before sex ever happened. And that to me is what 'qualified':lol: me as a lesbian.

    --Like you at one point I was deeply focused on the 'have I always been gay/bi? Did I not know?' And kept reviewing my past for 'hints' of lesbian attraction. But I ultimately got over this thinking, realizing it was sort of a waste of time. Either way it doesn't change the present situation which is the fact that I find myself more attracted to women than men. If this is 'menopausal madness' for you I agree with the other poster, it doesn't matter-it's where you are now!

    --I can definitely identify with your feelings of never finding a partner at our age! However as this site proves, there are a lot of women in our boat, just coming to terms with their sexuality at this age. Also, though some gay women may be wary of getting involved with a '50 year old virgin', I don't think that is at all true of all gay women! I was about 46 (and a lesbian virgin) when I met my best friend turned girlfriend. And she wasn't concerned at all about my virgin status!

    So no, I don't think that 49 is too late to bloom! I do know it's way more challenging for us than someone younger. But better late than never. The time will go by anyway so we might as well live our truth now! :slight_smile:
     
  7. Carmel67

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    Thank you from the bottom of my heart Moonsparkle. I cant tell you what a relief it is for me to find out that somebody else on this planet really truly personally knows how I feel. Actually, I'm a bit weepy now. Happy tears.
     
  8. Moonsparkle

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    I'm glad my reply resonated with you! I was happy to share some of my experiences/thoughts along this unexpected journey. It's so helpful to me too...to have found this forum and know that I am not alone in making this discovery later in life (because it certainly can feel that way sometimes!)

    It's great that you have so much family support too---don't discount the importance of this. My siblings are supportive/accepting, the rest of my family is not (describing 'this' as some sort of 'phase' and 'a path my ex-girlfriend led me down') **Sigh** Frustrating, but I know it's not my job to make them 'get it' :bang:

    Happy tears are always better than sad tears!:slight_smile:
     
  9. Carmel67

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    Hi Moonsparkle. I am sorry to hear about how some of your family have reacted. It must be infuriating and hurtful to have them discount your sexuality like that. Of course you want them to get it & to accept you for who you are. But you cant control that.

    I think maybe I've been putting on a braver front than what I really felt deep down inside, cos I thought it was me against the world and show no fear is my motto :lol: That's why it was such a relief to know that I'm not alone. And that its OK to feel a bit bewildered. And that I can show vulnerability here.