So, friends, it didn't last long, soon to be ex husband seems to take one step forward six steps back. Sunday, my ex and I had an unexpected free afternoon while our daughter was at her friend's house on her own. So we spent the afternoon together. I would normally take this opportunity to be on my own, but I gave it a chance because he's been ok lately.... It wasn't long into our time together before everything about being with him started making my chest constrict. That trapped, suffocated feeling I often have with my ex when he invalidates me, tries to pretend everything's the way it used to be, denies my identity. It's little comments, big comments, off hand remarks, etc. He loves the tile "your husband", "my wife", even though he doesn't usually speak of himself or me in the third person. Anyway, I tried to turn the day around by heading to a pub with him and making a stab at being honest with a drink in front of us. It worked a little but there were some really invalidating parts to the conversation. Then my messages pop up. My girlfriend messaged me, and says something in the message that clearly is not friend content. Now for the record, my ex and I have discussed dating and he said if I meet someone new (this is prior to meeting my current girlfriend), he said he *doesn't want to know*. This point was clear. So I've been respecting that. But now that he knows about her, he's doing his whole passive aggressive dance of trying to find ways to make me cancel plans with her (the one night/week we see each other). It's stressing me out. I knew this would happen, he has the power to sabotage this because all he has to say is no, I won't watch our daughter while you go out. I can't afford a sitter every week, and anyway, he has a say in that as well. I can't wait until I'm out of that flat. I can't wait to move forward. ---------- Post added 1st Feb 2017 at 10:20 AM ---------- Maybe it's worth getting a sitter each week, I don't know. It's still going to be a battle. ---------- Post added 1st Feb 2017 at 10:23 AM ---------- I'm so sick of him telling me I'm not gay....but then why is he so threatened by me having a girlfriend. I can't expect him to be in love with me moving on, but does he have to be so invalidating?? Sorry just fed up.
I don't blame you. I would hate it if something similar happens with my parents. I'd want to move out too. I hope you get to soon, and you're happy in the end.
Excuse me?!?! He won't watch his own daughter? Wtf?! That's... ... He's a moron! He's not a babysitter! He's her PARENT. Have you met any other de facto single parents (or actual ones) in your LGBT travels? Maybe you could start a "Date night/child-minding" cooperative. Ugh and a half.
That's terrible. I mean really? Won't watch your own daughter? Honestly, that passive agressive crap builds up on you. Just watch yourself and make sure your daughter is getting looked after. A babysitter would be fine I remember I was fourteen looking after ten year olds-it was bearable. Keep going out with your gf, don't let him weigh you down.
I am so sorry Baristajedi. I know exactly what you mean. When are you moving out? Do you have a plan for when you do who will watch your daughter. If he is this way now, I can imagine it will continue or get worse when you have moved out.
I may be completely wrong... yes me :eusa_doh: People don't generally like change and you going on a date maybe makes the whole situation real to him. Really real and it scares him? Does that make sense?
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and support. Cluster, you're going to do well, no matter how your parents respond. You're strong and you know who you are. (*hug*) Really and linkmaster, I'm frustrated and I think he's being a bit of a jerk, but to be fair to him, he's not ever said that he won't be in charge of our daughter while I go out; he has been struggling with knowing I'm moving on and has been giving me the vibe that he will push things to make me feel I need to cancel plans. All sorts of things seem to make the evening out a battle. I get his feelings, but it's frustrating because I want to move forward. He can easily say, well I won't be in charge tonight, and I feel I don't have much power or control. When we move out in spring we both very much want half half one with our daughter. He's an amazing dad, I don't worry about that at all. But I feel like he's being controlling and trying to make me feel powerless. ---------- Post added 2nd Feb 2017 at 01:32 AM ---------- Coming right back, I wanted to respond to you bunnydee and bikermm... ---------- Post added 2nd Feb 2017 at 01:41 AM ---------- Bunnydee, I may be naive but I think he'll be better when we're living apart. I think we'll both start moving forward without the struggle of living together. We get our flats in April! I'm so ready!! ---------- Post added 2nd Feb 2017 at 01:52 AM ---------- I know bikermm, you're right and I know he's struggling, and it's painful. I don't want to sound like a jerk, I really do understand the pain he's going through. Now all that being said, I'm tired of the box that I'm in, and I'm tired of my needs and identity not being taken seriously. I'm finally living for myself, feeling some happiness, feeling like me, and I'm getting angry because I need this and I want people to get over it and accept it. My family and my ex have had a year and a half to learn that I'm gay, they've all had 7 months to realise that we're separating. But I had some conversations with my family on that same Sunday that make me wonder, do they think this is all a joke? All these massive changes I'm going through, the life I'm living day in day out, all the steps I've made. The scary huge massive steps I've taken. I'm gay, I don't care anymore if that makes people uncomfortable, if they need time to adjust, if they find it hard to believe or understand, it's who I am. It makes me happy, it's part of me and its a part I feel good about, I'm not feeling every patient anit others' feelings right now... ---------- Post added 2nd Feb 2017 at 01:53 AM ---------- *very; about
I thought you moved on from this already baristajedi. Your moving backwards. Just get the divorce finalised and move on.
I'm not really dwelling on it like it sounds in this post, but I think you're right, I need to keep my head focused on moving forward. I can't really speed up the practical aspects but I can keep a clear head and not let I tell get me down. It was just a bunch of things hitting me all at once.
I understand what you're saying. my ex used to, and still does to some degree, do this. try to rise above this, maybe some night (if you're comfortable) take your daughter out on a PG night with your girl friend, get a feel for how that dynamic would go. my ex tried once to say that she wouldn't look have our son in for a visit if I were going on a date, he's a teen so I reminded her that he could stay home. so if once in a while you have a PG night with your girls or have to get a sitter once in awhile, im sure you can make it work. I agree with others that the message in the pub brought it all real for him where he could rationalize that you weren't out and building a relationship on your nights out. the P/A crap is his way of trying to not have his world spin out of his control, and I do believe based on what you've written that he has control issues. go out with your GF, have fun, be silly, and build love. (*hug*)
Just one thing I'm curious about. How come he was able to see the message. Did he make you show it to him?
