this is what i came out for???!!! what a disappointment

I am not sure how long its been since you have come out and started your journey towards living authentically; but from my experience, it is a journey and one that does not move in a straight line.

While it is reasonable to want to come out, find a relationship, settle down with someone and get on with life, I feel there is a lot of self learning needed before being in a position of having the foundation needed for such a relationship. And if people are not willing to put in the effort to really, truly, learn about themselves, it makes it very difficult to have the emotional maturity required to establish a deep emotional connection with others.

What your experiencing is this phenomenon amongst a large group of people that you have encountered that feel shame and have internalized homophobia. Whether it is myself, you or others, we all have to continue to take risks, make ourselves vulnerable, open ourselves up, to truly find out whom we are; and those that are not prepared, do not know how, or have simply given up, find themselves seeking acceptance, validation and connection through short escapades rather than meaningful relationships.

Shame and internalized homophobia runs deep amongst the LGBT community. Its an effort to rise above it, but one that I believe can result in becoming a better person and enabling each of us to fully embrace others on a deep emotional level.

There is much to be said about this in Alan Down's The Velvet Rage. If you have not read it, I suggest picking it up. Its a rather quick read and extremely insightful. Rather than being "officially over it", try and rise above it!

 

Your experience, while common, is not shared by many whom have come out. Your clearly frustrated and emotional, and you seem to be putting a lot of blame on the community at large. This is where I think you are mistaken.

I have experienced the shallowness and sex driven nature that does certainly exit. But I have found a partner in life amongst the community. I have also developed a social circle of friends that value the meaning of relationships and put relationships as a priority over sex - relationships with friends as well as with significant others.

None of this dropped in my lap. None of it came easy. It took persistence; it required that I maintained an open mind; it meant I needed to continue to adjust whom I was meeting, where i was going, and whom I surrounded myself with.

Like anything else in life, nothing just drops in our laps. We have to go and get that which we seek.

I for one will never look back on my decision to come out and I am grateful that I found the courage to take the risk and do it. I also think that risk is worth it for others whom are contemplating similar life choices so long as they are properly evaluating themselves, there lives and understand the pros and cons of such a decision to come out.

I am sorry you are experiencing such a hard time. You experience certainly is not unique, but nor should it be generalized either.

 

Let's rewind, what was your life before you came out? I'm guessing it wasn't so peachy.

So you've have some bad experiences, learn from it and move on.

 

Great Experience? far from it! I have two kids that barely speak to me, my ex wife will have nothing to do with me, I had massive emotional ups and downs, felt like I risked everything, thought I was loosing everything. I struggled enormously. All that said, I focused myself and made sure I pushed through it.

The experience has been a journey. Lots of ups and downs. But I have reached a point in life that I am very happy to have reached. And now that I am here, I would not trade it for the world.

 

That may not be such a bad idea. Take a break from trying to find romance. How about instead, use that energy for other purpose? Maybe get involved in an LGBT charity, join an LGBT social group, or if you play a sport join an LGBT sport league. Don't focus on a relationship and instead focus on just living life as you are. It might be a good break and good distraction for you.

 

Early40s,

I don't know how long you've been out, but it may be worth taking a step back and looking at the big picture. Look at all of this on the timescale of your life. I'm assuming that you came out relatively recently and you have relatively little experience of being out so far. That's fine for now.

Now that you're out and acting on it, you have to integrate it completely in your life. All of your life until this point has been toward a different identity, and only now are you making this massive change. Appreciate that you are integrating something new and different into an older identity you've had for decades. It will take time and it will seem strange for a while.

I've been in several long-term relationships (on the scale of years) that were fulfilling emotionally as well as physically. I'm 44 now and I still have lots of dates, I still interest guys, and I'm still interested in a relationship. All of the more successful relationships came when I wasn't looking but they had one common element - I was attracting the right guy when I was being myself.

If you are bitter toward the idea of dating, then quite simply, don't date. Your bitterness will (whether you think you're hiding it well or not) attract the wrong guy. Rather than seeing a relationship as something you are looking for externally, think of the *right* relationship as one that naturally extends from a life that's already happy and balanced.

Believe me, when you are happy, taking good care of yourself, you know who you are, and you are experiencing the joy of living your own authentic life, you will attract the right guy. That guy will see something inside you that he understands and wants because he's also living a joyful life. When that current of positivity and self-realization is already pulling the two of you in similar directions, it's easy to be together - you're already headed in similar directions.

So my thought is that if you can find a life of gratitude and joy, your path will cross with a guy who's good for you.

That being said, if you're newly out or exploring, then maybe it's fine not to look for a relationship for a while. If you need to know yourself sexually then give yourself permission. Sometimes sex is part of a relationship, sometimes not. If there are no misunderstandings and it doesn't hurt anyone, then just explore and enjoy. You have a right to discover and enjoy your sexuality without shame or guilt. You can balance your sexual experiences with platonic friendships so that you get your emotional needs met too.

Meanwhile - volunteer, do hobbies, get social. Forget about a relationship. Be yourself, and find a self-sufficient way of being joyful. Be your best "you". You will attract someone who's perfect for you, and you literally won't see it coming. This is a time to keep the faith and not expect anything in advance.

Another huge thing is that you also are living your life in authenticity rather than hiding. Don't discount that. All of the above - finding joy and being the best "you" - is predicated on authenticity. Congratulate yourself and celebrate that you already had the courage to do that much. Closeted people are by definition not secure in who they are, and are extremely unlikely to find the kind of relationship you're wanting.

You _will_ get there. Do not abandon who you are, because that's the "you" someone else is going to find irresistible. You just need to look at the big picture of your life, think long-term, and make your odds of success better by finding joy first.

Believe me, I know the bitterness you describe. Ignore your feelings for now, trust your choice to come out, be your best you, and hang in there.

*warm hug*

Patrick

---------- Post added 3rd Feb 2017 at 10:26 AM ----------

^^^ What OnTheHighway said!

 

I'd like to suggest to you that you put too much of your coming out on finding the guy. You set yourself up for disappointment because all your eggs are in that basket. It's no wonder that you feel jaded now.

My coming out has been about my personal journey in learning to be the real me - the "me" that I hid from everyone for so many years. Perhaps one day I will find love, but finding a boyfriend, or long-term relationship, or a husband, wasn't the reason for my coming out. Me finally being authentic with myself was my reason for coming out.

I think you put too high of expectations for yourself, and now you feel like it hasn't happened the way you thought. Instead of being angry that the reality didn't match your thinking, maybe you should work on adjusting your thinking to match reality.

Take care. ride:

 

Early40s, you might be interested in this thread on monogamy:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/230109-monogamy-gay-relationships.html

 

I always hesitate to wade into these types of discussion because I feel like people--and it's certainly not just you--are encountering a whole group of people that I'm just not. I feel like I should give some great advice about how to avoid these people but I haven't done anything to avoid them, they're just not who I've met along the way. Sure there have been a few bad apples, but you don't date the bad ones...

I dated for five or six years en route to my husband... and it was wonderful. Sweet, romantic men and trips to the movies and the zoo, garden parties and theater tickets, kisses stolen under stoops while waiting for the rain to stop. There were flowers and love poetry and one truly awful home-baked birthday cake. And there was some sex, some really good sex actually--I was generally a third date sort of guy--but it never really seemed like the point, and I certainly never felt used. Not everyone was my cup of tea and I certainly wasn't everyone else's, but it all just seemed fun.

I still feel that way about my experiences with other gay men. Of course, I'm off the market now as are many of my friends. But I'm still out and about and it just doesn't really seem that different to me. I've always found gay men as a whole to be open, kind, fun... pretty much everywhere I go. But then again I like gay men. I feel a sense of kinship, like we're on the same journey.

I feel terrible that your experience has been so different and all I can say is that there is another experience out there to be had--I know because I've had it. Work on yourself and get out there not to find love or sex but just to experience and enjoy other people. Certainly try to avoid becoming one of the people that you feel you've encountered--it won't end well, especially if it's not naturally who you are. I don't know how you get there from where you are now but somehow you need to learn to hope again. I remember back when I was single I would go out five, six nights a week and every night I thought something amazing would happen and somehow it did, more often than not. Sometimes it was that I met a great guy or had a great date, sometimes it was just that the music was amazing or one of my friends said the cleverest thing. However you can manage it find some way to hope again.

 

OGS, if you don't mind me asking - when you were dating was your sexual activity only on dates or did you also have other sex?

I completely agree with OGS - your hope is crucial. You need to find hope again so that when the circumstance is right you'll be ready.

Also, how big is the community you're in? Do you meet many out gay men?

Patrick

 

Both. I used to say there were the kinds of guys that you looked at and thought "oh, we'd have a dog and he'd make us pancakes each morning..." and then there were the guys that you thought "we could go out behind the club..." I was sort of a mix of those guys. If you're not make sure you're sending out the right vibe!

---------- Post added 3rd Feb 2017 at 04:13 PM ----------

If this last one's for me, I'm often fond of saying you can't swing a dead cat where I live without hitting a gay guy.

 

to be quite freakin honest, i agree, i came out to my parents and my sister for nothing so far. quite frankly your post scares me more, the whole "dont want a relationship, just want to do it" thing doesn't work for me. i need to be close to someone before even considering that. hell im still a virgin im not throwing that away for some fling that i could get an STD from to boot. i seriously thought that getting to uni and being more free will let me get out there and get a relationship, something that'll give me a reason to hope and look forward to the future. but knowing this......do i really have any hope at all? what if i get there and it really is barren and just "do it and leave" people are there. wtf have i been holding onto?

 

I'm not a gay 40 something man, but feel like under the right circumstances, anyone could say the things you're saying about people - of any orientation.

I would listen to a lot of the amazing advice given above. I'd also think about working on myself for some time, and possibly putting the brakes on dating while looking elsewhere/something more fulfilling in life than dating.

Some gay men I know are usually in/pursuing relationships over sex. So, like others have said, it's a pretty irrational to take it out on the entire community.