This is one of those threads where you kind of already know the answer but maybe don't want to admit it. So, I've met with this woman about eight times over the last six months. We met online, it's my first time 'dating' a woman. We've hugged when we meet and say goodbye but nothing more. We always seem to meet on her terms which was fine initially, I'm a consultant and can be more flexible, but it's always last minute. I like her, she says she likes me and we could talk for hours about everything and anything. As I was always the person making herself available, telling her when I was free and around if she wanted to meet me I began to wonder if she wanted anything to happen. Six months is a long time and I'd like to kiss her, be a little more intimate, do other things not just coffee and food, just spend more time with each other. I asked if she wanted anything to develop from our meetings and she said she didn't know. Even though she said it in a gentle way and was very kind my heart sank. I guess I feel like she should know after six months, I wasn't asking her to marry me, just if she wanted more from what we're doing which seems little more than friendship. I do want to do more and she knows that. She said that she was hurt before but didn't go into details. I won't ever push anyone to talk about issues they don't want to discuss. Yet part of me thinks that she may be in the exact same boat as me, that she may also be new to dating women and possibly just as inexperienced. About a week after we talked about this stuff (by text), we met again for lunch and again since then. We've never discussed any of this in person and it seems like we just carry on as normal. I really like this woman but all the signs point to her not being interested. Like I said, after this long I feel like you should have some idea. I'm pretty confused by it all, feel like I'm getting mixed signals and don't know if she wants me to wait while she decides what she wants. I think I need to end the meet ups cause I find it difficult when the feelings are all on my side, it will be very hard not to see her, or email and text which we do constantly, but maybe in a few months we can meet as friends. Then again, maybe breaking off contact altogether would be best in the long run. A bit of a brain dump, and not the most coherent, sorry...but thoughts most welcome.
an employer knows if they want you after 90 days of probation once you have been hired. its six months later and this woman cant give you a straight answer about if she wants to even come over and kiss?! sorry but i would drop her. im sure she is nice and has her own issues but she is toying with your emotions after this long. i mean even if she just wants to hookup and be friends with benefits but not date you outright atleast she is saying something. dont be her "option". you want someone to want you and be excited about you as much as you are about them.she cant even give you a straight answer. i would personally just stop returning her texts and then if she keeps on just text her back that you've enjoyed spending time but are interested in pursuing a connection that can lead to a relationship.wish her well and end all communication. you honestly dont owe her shit. its six mo ths later and she is not communicating shit to you so why do you need to tell her anything. just stop texting her and let her hang out there like she is letting you hang. give her the good ole "hey sorry im pretty busy maybe another time" line. she will get the hint and if not just stop texting her. give her a lil taste of her own medicine. she reaches out last minute because the lil harlot is probably dating someone else and waiting to see what happens with that before she drops you. if she has been hurt before ok i get that but why hurt someone else when you know they are in love wih you? she doesnt sound like a really good friend and sounds like a user to me. drop the dead weight and move on. a piece of advice...if someone is saying they are soooo busy they are usually lying. you have to eat and take a dump atleast twice a day...so you can find time to send a quick text. if someone always reaches out last minute to make plans its because their original plans with someone else fell through and you are a reliable backup. if someone is never free when you are and you co stantly have to wait and work around their schedule and when they decide to meet you, you have to jump..then you are usually one of many and you are being controlled by them and they have very little respect for you. if you were applying for a job and the interview process was 6months long and you had to keep going on lnterviews and they would never tell you if you got the job and after six month they say they are not even sure if they want to hire someone for the job do you really think you would want to work there??! hell no. you would not let an employer jerk you around like this so dont let this lady treat you the same way. she isnt as innocent as she appears...mark my words. she knows excatly what she is doing. i would drop her so fast her head would spin but not before giving her a lil taste of her own medicine for my own personal enjoyment for wasting 6months of my fucking time.ghen id dump her shamelessly like a ton of bricks.
(LOL ^) Though early40s is being incredibly blunt. I agree with (and am laughing at) a lot of what they said. I've been in a situation similar to this, except it was for a year and it became apparent they were messing with my head. Sure, maybe they had their own problems and anxieties that made them hold back. It can very well be that your person is dealing with something or some kind of condition like social anxiety. They may also be doing what I like to refer to as, "emotions with no strings attached." Awkward, yes, but some people really like to have the emotional part of a relationship without intimacy or commitment. I don't know why people do these things, but these forums are filled with those who have gone through the same exact thing. A lot of the time, these are the people who make us realize we're not straight. They play games. Keep a person guessing. Send mixed signals, and nothing ever happens. Except heartbreak and extreme confusion. Whether it's a condition, game playing, or they've got something else going on in their life that's making them obnoxiously uncommunicative, I can tell you, you don't want to deal with any of them. Imagine a long term relationship with someone who can't even tell you how they feel or what's going on only 6months in. Relationships are supposed to be fun. Not confusing. Dump her.
Firstly, well done in persevering with this! I think you have been very patient with her. It's possible she is scared to get involved from being hurt in the past, and/or that she is new to lesbian dating (do you know how 'out' she is?) but she should really be able to tell you that. I agree with yeahpidk in that she should really be able to tell you how she feels and what she wants by now. You could try being direct with her again and say you want more and that if she doesn't (or still doesn't know) you feel like you need to stop meeting up and all contact, at least for a while. She sounds very lukewarm and not the romance you were probably hoping for. I think when two people really like each other it just happens naturally and there is no confusion or mixed signals or guessing how the other person feels and what they are thinking. I would definetly think about starting to date other people. You deserve something better.
Thanks early40s, YeahpIdk and dirtyshirt for the advice, much appreciated. Lots there that I'm nodding my head at. I do want to be with someone who wants to be with me and get to know all of me. I am confused and don't like that I'm hanging around hoping and waiting for them to say 'let's meet'. She is lukewarm at best and that's not good enough. I have no clue about how out she is but she doesn't know that about me either, it's not something we talk about. We don't talk about anything of real meaning. We met again at the weekend before I travelled for work, again at her instigation, and it was nice but no confusion or mixed signals sounds like where I want to be. When I get home, I'll let her know in person. Messing with her head just isn't me, not because I'm some kind of saint, I'm not, but I've no desire to mess her around, I like her too much and I wouldn't be comfortable doing it. I'm on this great self discovery mission, this one hasn't worked out but hopefully there will be more to come and it will be all the wonderful meaningful things you talk of above. Thanks again.
Hey all, just a little update on my interest who's not interested. Turns out I wasn't able to let it go until last week. Also turns out she was married to a guy but I still don't know the extent of her relationships with women, if she's been with in one or if she's out. It's like a drip feed of random information at the most random of times. My head was fried a little by the whole experience and if I'm honest I should have decided four months ago to put an end to it when I knew she was at best lukewarm. Anyway, I told her I think it's time to move on and she said she was sad, would like to stay in touch and is very fond of me. I said not at the moment because I'd find it difficult but maybe down the road, that we were in different places, I wanted more and she didn't know what she wanted. I have to say heart feels very heavy right now, I liked her a lot, but I'll be okay and hopefully learn to trust my gut.
Oh, that sucks! I'm sorry. Why do people lead others on for months with dishonesty. Well it's her loss and it looks like she's not ready to be real with herself yet. Stay positive. Not everyone is like that. You'll meet someone awesome. One bit of advice that has never failed me...listen to your instincts! Trust your instincts...if something or someone makes you feel doubtful or confused, there's something wrong with that situation. Move on. You'll be ok.
That's sad, but you've definitely made the right decision. 6 months is a very long time and you gave it your best shot. It sounds like she has issues she needs to work through, and you need to get on with your life. Communication is key in a relationship and she sounds very closed off.
Thanks Rana and CharacterStudy, lovely to get the support and positive words. I was reading through some other threads and came across this comment by Moonsparkle (I hope she'll forgive me for copying) that made some real sense, not just for my situation but for any situation where you're kind of hanging around waiting for someone to make up their mind. This is what she said: 'I learned (pretty late in life!) that if someone is wavering, keeping me waiting while deciding about being with me or choosing me; I have to decide to get out. Which can be REALLY hard to do, when you love someone or strong feelings are involved. Sometimes it seems easier to just wait around for the other person to decide and hope their decision is in our favor. But I've found it really isn't easier in the long run. Deciding for yourself is truly empowering...as opposed to waiting for others to decide--which does not make us feel empowered. Just realize you also do have control and power here too!' I'm unfortunately the kind of person who wants things to work and waits for them to work when I should be more proactive in making them work for me. Sometimes, that's about letting go and saying, 'Okay, I tried, it didn't work but it's not the end of the world, I move on, I learn.' It is empowering. What I love about where I am right now is that even though I'm sad about this particular relationship, I love that I've opened up this whole world to loving women. Too many loves but I still have that stupid grin about being a lesbian, I want to live this life fully now that I've pushed through the door. And for sure there will be ups and downs but to be awake finally is the most fantastic feeling...a feeling I hope I never lose.
