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I don't feel alive anymore

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CMR1971, Feb 5, 2017.

  1. CMR1971

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    I am 45 and have questioned my sexuality since I was a teenager. I never had the courage to cross over to the other side. I have always been so scared of what other people might think of me and the thought of coming out scared me so much. And still does.

    I am married to the sweetest man in the world. We have known each other for 17 years. He would litterally do anything for me. 5 years ago I entered early menopause. Just 1 year after the birth of our youngest daughter. Our girls are now 7 and 14.

    Appr. 2 years ago I started an on/off affair with my girlfriend. Being with her has proved that I feel very comfortable having sex with women. It is mind blowing and I feel more relaxed and at home. We live in a very small town and the secrets are piling up. I feel horrible for going behind my husband's back. We haven't had sex for 3 years!!!! I know... and he puts up with it. I simply don't feel like having sex with guys anymore. I don't even look at them in the street anymore. What is going on? Every day I wake up thinking: Today I am hopefully my old self again! ....

    Today has been an awful day. It feels like I don't exist. I am an empty shell. I keep reminding myself of my beautiful daughters and keep telling myself that once our youngest daughter is 12-13 yo. I can leave my husband. I love him, but I can't give him what he deserves. Passionate sex with his wife :icon_sad:

    What a mess. I hate it :bang:

    I live in Europe in a very small country which is why this forum feels safer.
     
  2. Really

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    Hey CMR1971,

    Welcome to EC! This is a great place to get things off your chest and begin working towards improving your situation. Lots of people in the same boat. Keep reading, you'll see.

    Can I ask a couple of questions?

    Why do you think you have to wait for so long? If this were an "ordinary" divorce/separating situation, would you still be waiting? It doesn't sound like you've got the best relationship at the moment and maybe for a while. Surely, your children can sense the tension/unhappiness even if there aren't any loud fights.

    I think after two years with your girlfriend, you pretty much know you won't be going back to your old "self" because it obviously wasn't really you. Was it?

    If you had to write out what you'd like in a perfect world, do you think you could start working towards achieving them little by little? Even small steps in the right direction are helpful even if they don't immediately feel like it. Every bit counts.

    Stick around. There's a lot of experience here to draw from. :thumbsup:
     
  3. bunnydee

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    :welcome: to EC.

    We have a lot in common. I am 45 married to a wonderful man. We been married 13yrs together 14. We have a 12 year old daughter together.

    I won't rewrite my story here but you can read some of my posts and I will answer any questions you have as honestly as I can. I know what you are going through. I haven't been with anyone other than my husband while married, but I did finally come out to him in December.

    As you already have a girlfriend many may say it should be easier to move on without your husband in the picture. I know that is extremely difficult to do especially having been in denial and married to man that would be perfect for any straight women.

    ---------- Post added 5th Feb 2017 at 10:31 PM ----------

    here's some of mine, although not all. I've written a lot here.
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/228176-intro-bunnydee.html

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/229249-i-am-so-wrong.html

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/228615-my-coming-out-my-husband.html

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/229285-how-stop-guilt.html

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/229893-getting-angry.html

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/229997-ive-decided.html
     
  4. Stewie

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    Out to everyone
    At this point, you can't wait any longer yes it's going to be hard, yes there will be tears and sadness and guilt, but at least there will be honesty. (&&&)
     
  5. stretching

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    I know it's really hard. I'm also in a long term hetero marriage with children. It's so hard not being attracted to your spouse because of their gender. I feel so guilty and yet haven't been able to bring myself to talk with him about it. All the best as you take your next steps. There is support here.
     
  6. latenlife lez

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    Like other voices out there- I share parts of your story. Married children

    I asked my husband if I could "try" same person sex- with a friend we trusted-- and sure enough it answered all my questions- that I have been trying to answer all my life about my sexuality- for the first time in my life- I wanted to have sex- all the time.

    Answering one question- though brought up a more than I wanted to deal with -- like what now-

    I would suggest if you have not already- find a counselor- and together with that person make some decisions about all those things you are asking

    Keep writing- we will listen- and respond
     
  7. I'm gay

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    I also share with you on being married with children. I am now separated and out to everyone.

    I originally wrote this below for Bunnydee a couple of months ago. I think it's appropriate to your situation as well. I will say first, however, that the decision to come out or not is entirely your choice, and no one can tell you what you should do. I only offer these thoughts to give you some points to ponder.

    1. Before coming out to my family, I feared that I would be destroying everything if I did. But when I came out of the closet, I didn't destroy my family. My family is doing great right now. Of course, we're still coming to terms with this, but everyone is doing fine. The only thing that I'm really doing is ending a marriage that no longer works.

    2. I am still my kids' father. I will always be my kids' father, regardless of whether they are living with me or not. You will always be your daughters' mother. Nothing will change that.

    3. Your husband deserves a wife who loves him - in every way that a heterosexual woman should love a man. You said that it's your intention to stay in your marriage for another 5 years. Why? And your husband gets no say in that. Should your husband go through even more years with a wife who is hiding her sexuality from him?

    4. The longer you struggle with this, the harder it will be for you. Anxiety, depression, loss of focus, further distancing yourself from your husband as you process this, anger, resentment. You are already in some turmoil and are turning to online help resources to deal with this. It's already occupying some portion of your mind on a daily basis. How many more years do you think this can go on before your husband and daughters are harmed just by you being in turmoil?

    5. Both your husband and daughters may resent that you hid this from them instead of being honest with them. That turned out to be the number one thing my 12-year-old had a problem with - that I was dishonest with him. He was fine with me being gay, just not the dishonesty.

    6. If you are not happy in your marriage, how can anyone else in the family be happy too with a mother who is not?

    7. Years from now, are you going to be glad that you waited? Or even more mad at yourself for that many more wasted years?

    I offer these thoughts so that you can see a different perspective on your situation. If you choose to stay in your marriage and stay closeted to your family, then I honor that decision and hope that things work out well for you. Again, only you can decide what you want to do, but please think about your husband's happiness as part of this equation. If he hasn't had sex with you in 3 years, must he go through another 5 years? No person should have to go that long without sex, especially when he doesn't even know why.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  8. PianoKeys

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    Wow.....this really hits me....I am reading with curiosity and trying to decide if I should share my story...