Coming out???

I want to come out, I keep hoping that someone will ask me a question about who I'm dating or hint at me being gay that it can happen naturally, but I'm such a closed off person and have very few friends that it's hard for this to happen. I'm not sure who to come out to first, i'm not super close to my family and even though I think they'd be mainly supportive, my family also lives in IL while I live in AZ, so i only see them a few times a year and the timing never seems right during those visits to bring this up. I could tell them over the phone, but that feels awkward to me, I'd rather be in person. I've also thought of emailing at least my mom and my sister, but then I have to sit there and wait until they've received the message and having to wait for a response would be super hard. I also have no idea whether I should come out as just a lesbian or if I should also come out as genderqueer/gender fluid but I haven't had as much time to process that.

I want to come out at work at least to some of my closer co-workers, especially since there are quite a few that are LGBT, but I don't know how to bring it up to them since I don't typically talk to any of them about anything outside of work. I'm seriously considering going to see a therapist to try and process all of this, but it's hard because I work close to 60hrs a week and I really don't want to have to pay to see a therapist. Being on here helps, but I need to get this off my chest. I spend way too much time trying to figure everything that's going on in my head out, that I neglect other more important things.

Last week I got my haircut with an undercut (my whole head shaved) with enough hair on the top to style it into a cute bob, but I really prefer to wear it up in a high pony or man bun so that the shaved part is revealed. I feel I look very masculine, yet at the same time look cute/feminine which is the best representation of me. On Friday, the day after I got it cut I wore it down and got some compliments but mainly I think it went unnoticed, at least the undercut part did. Tomorrow I'm going to wear my hair the way I like it and am excited, but nervous that people will say nice things, but facial expressions will tell me otherwise. I also plan to start wearing my new male style shorts at the end of this week as it will be getting warm out here and I'm afraid, but also hopeful that some of this will lead to questions. I just worry the questions will be behind my back and not to my face which would lead to open conversations.

Sorry if this is not the most fluent post, my thoughts are very scattered and am trying to type quickly before I need to get my computer charged again. I would very much appreciate any thoughts/comments/ or personal experiences all of you have had. I feel like this would be so much easier if I was 10 years younger or if I didn't already have so much social anxiety/self-doubt.

Thanks, J

 

So I wore my hair up in my preferred style, that to me results in me looking very masculine from some angles, while still looking feminine. I didn't get a single comment or response from anyone at work and am still not sure how to interpret that. I know some people already acknowledged my new style last week right after i got it cut when it was less noticeable that it was shaved, but different because I actually wore my hair down which I don't do often. Or did people just follow the whole "if you don't have anything nice to say" idea and didn't comment because it was too weird/different. I'm hoping tomorrow I feel more comfortable with this, because at home/away from people I know I am LOVING this change, especially when dressed in a way that makes me feel so comfortable. I keep reminding myself, that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, but it's so hard. I feel like i'm back in high school.