Hey everyone. I have posted here a few times, mainly about my confusion over whether I was straight, gay, bi....in between? Anyway, today was a rough session in therapy. My (36th) birthday was over the weekend, and I was not happy about it for many reasons. My best friend offered to take me out to lunch and "talk about the weather" because she knew my adversity to celebrating my birthday. At first I accepted, but then backed down, because the past few weekends, I've spent most of my Saturdays sleeping, and didn't want to chance me having to actually wake up, shower and be ready for a lunch when really I didn't want to celebrate. She was ok with that. Throughout the week, I toyed with the idea of taking my birthday off FB because the roller derby team I am on (but sort of am in i might quit mode...haven't been in 3 weeks); no one knows my birthday, because last Februrary they barely knew me...and now I have a bunch of derby people on my FB. This was the story I told myself, that I didn't want the derby people to wish me a happy bday, because I was not celebrating it. In truth (and this took me a few days to admit to myself...actually it took me until she texted me), I really was only doing it because I wasn't sure how I felt about this one woman on the team to know if it was my birthday or not. I've struggled with this friendship for a long time. I care too much about her opinion of me. I have embraced her understanding of me, freak out, and then retreat. I've been in retreat mode for a few weeks. She's married, is an extrovert, and has 1 million friends. All I am is a depressed person she feels sorry for. SO. Anyway. I took my birthday of FB, and spent most of Saturday checking FB. I was pissed at myself, so I put it back on. A few hours later, S texted me, saying "Its your birthday?! Come over tonight for a movie and to hang out!" Now remember, I cancelled on my best friend...of 13 years. I immediately was like "Sure!" even though I needed to shower and leave the house--of which I vowed not to do. At this point, I realized that something was wrong. I shouldn't care more about this person caring about my birthday than everyone else in my life. I forced myself to answer my parents calls. I cancelled on my best friend. And yet....here I was jumping at the chance to go to her house, even though I was exhausted and in a terrible mood. So..I had therapy today, and I knew that I needed to tell my therapist all of this, except I have barely breached the topic of my sexuality with her. She knows all about my fears and frustrations I feel with S....but as I've always put it, as a friend. It took the entire hour, but she eventually got the whole story out of me, that I was ashamed and feel pathetic for caring about her opinion so much. I effing HATE IT. I prefer to have no feelings ever. So, my therapist was like "It is awful to have a crush" (insert me almost bawling in therapy, but don't worry, i had a pillow covering my face) and she went on to explain that everybody gets crushes, it is normal...etc. The hour was over, and I zombie-walked out of her room. It was only hours later that I started crying. What she said was true. I have a crush. On another woman. An unavailable woman at that. What the hell am I supposed to do with this? I do NOT want it to be true for many reasons.
Hi confused04, I really know how you feel. You probably have heard that time will heal everything and all that nonsense you don't want to hear right now. I know how you feel because I have a crush on a gay lady and I have a husband and kids. I always say to myself that I need to stay with my family but the moment I see her I love her again. We shared an amazing kiss in a drunk state and both of us are denying to remember anything from that night. I even went to a medium and she said that there is a gate open for me but only I can make the choices. What I can say to you is just let it go. I know how hard this would be for you as it's hard for me too. And then another day comes and I want to speak up and tell her how I feel at least. If you admit to her your feelings perhaps other people will get hurt. Sorry, not much help with the above but I do know how you feel. Just try and let it go, hope things get better soon x
crushes suck because the object of your affection rarely sees you in the same light and you really want them to. most people end up sabatoging a friendship with the crush because we want what we want from them whether they want it or not. we would prefer to push them out of our lives verus having them in our lives in a way in which they are comfortable. the best thing you can do with a crush is: 1. when you feel safe or if it is safe to do so and you feel you have some level of friendhip with them, come out and let them know you have a crush in them. 2. they almost 99percent of the time will say they are straight or orherwise not into you and just want to be friends. 3. you then need to accept that. period. 4. you will have an urge to interpret every text, every phone call, every compliment, every action as then secretly saying they like you. Refer back to #3. 5. you will need to limit your time or cut off all time with crush until you can heal. we tend to crush on u available people because crushing on available people means we have to come out and be exposed and deal with the real world and rejection. its safer and easier to have a relationship in your head than to be rejected in real life. you are longing for love and you pushed the other people away on your bday because you were depressed that what you really wanted more than anything was aomeone to love you romantically on your special day. since that was not there, the other bday wishes could not fill the void. been there done that
Well, #1--my "crush" (i really dislike this word in this context) is not straight, but is married, so there has never been a "omg does she like me?" sort of question. it has been an emotional connection on my part, and not so much on hers. #2--no way in HELL i'll ever tell her. I can't even admit I am not straight.
