264 Haircuts

Quite an emotional piece to be reading about a couple moving on from one another.

Interesting timing as well given in the next few days I am due to have a coffee and tell my ex wife that I am will be marrying my partner shortly. While my ex and I have reached a point of indifference some time ago, it will be a point of definitive closure to say the least.


...maybe I am due to write a poem soon.

Thanks for sharing!

 

Beautiful story. So many differences in how we relate to our ex-spouses, and yet so many little threads of similarity to be found as well. My ex still calls me almost daily to relate whatever tidbit of gossip she feels the need to share, or expound about some petty annoyance with the kids, or ask some strange little question that most people would simply google or make a decision on themselves. Yesterday she was in a tizzy because of a case of windburn on her face that was making her miserable, and her boyfriend wanted her to come over to celebrate their 5 month anniversary, but she just wanted to stay home.

When everything hit the fan, I had hoped that perhaps we would end up friends, as we had been before we got married. In a way, we have; I hold much the same function with her now as I did then, although at the time I never realized how much more loyal and patient a friend I was to her than she ever was to me. I feel no twinges of regret or jealousy when she tells me about her guy and how he apparently worships the ground she walks on, although I hope he doesn't figure out just how difficult she is until after they are married (which I'm sure they will eventually be), and I'm not paying alimony anymore. I also take snarky pleasure in the fact that the girls don't mind that she's dating, but they are far more fond of my boyfriend than they are of hers, and my relationship with them is far more stable and positive and adult than hers is.

But it is still a 20-some stretch of my history that didn't end up nearly the way I had planned. I was truly committed to having a big, happy family and enjoying watching my many children slowly change from helpless infants to confident and interesting adults. Two is better than none, and just reading my girls' Facebook posts and texts makes me realize how lucky I am to have them. It wasn't for nothing, that's for sure, and for all the pain and difficulty of breaking up, it was worth the effort that went into holding things together all those years.

Whether she and I will maintain this strange relationship once we're both remarried, which I assume will be sometime in the next 3 or 4 years, I don't know. She may determine she no longer needs me as her sounding board, or else I may simply tire of being there for her and stop picking up the phone and returning calls. I'm not sure I want to give up two decades of history yet, and I still get strange vibes from her that she may have a closet secret of her own that she's not nearly as able to deal with as I was. But time will tell. No haircuts here, just the regular calls from an old acquaintance that I've really outgrown but still care just enough about to be unwilling to turn her loose just yet.

 

I read this essay yesterday and it seriously broke my heart. I know my ex and I weren't together as long as many of you were with yours, but it's still so hard to move on for us. In a way I love that we're still close friends. In another way, it's just really hard. Like a constant visit back to a life I should still have.

 

Good essay. Thanks for sharing!

I've never been married. Heck, I've never even had a date, not even "just" for, say, a high school social event. But I certainly have been around here long enough to note the variety of experiences of those of us Later in Life who are/were in a straight marriage.

Even though I've never been married, my explosion of my nuclear family when I was a teenager left a huge impact. I witnessed, first hand, the realities of a couple breaking up, and paths diverging. I sometimes tell people who wonder why I've never gotten married that the experience my family blowing up was such that I made a conscious effort to stay single. This has truth, although it's not the whole truth. Although I now realize how fortunate I am that I stayed single... I have wondered what would have happened had I been married to a woman when I come out to myself in 2012. Would I have had the courage to face reality? Or would I have found ways of repressing my sexual orientation in order to avoid a divorce? Would there have been a divorce, and, if so, what would that be like, given my earlier history?

Unanswerable questions...but I wonder...

 

Whenever I find myself swimming too close to the edge of the whirlpool of "what if", I try hard to check myself and steer away. The things we have missed, or the bad things we have experienced, are as much of the building blocks of who we are as the happy families and positive role models. The challenge is to recognize them as such. I could concentrate on the general craziness of my ex, or the devastation caused by my mother's unexpected death when I was 24, or my father's 25-year disability. They were all devastating experiences in their own way. But Mom's death and Dad's illness were the final clicks of the closet door that pushed me towards a straight marriage with my ex, and the children I adore would not be part of my life without that, and even her emotional stew has strengthened them more than it has damaged them. Sometimes the glue that is used to mend the crack in the vase is stronger than the vase itself. Bad things are bad things. But as sure as manure can be fertilizer for healthy vegetables or beautiful flowers, the things we could or should have done differently can be what propels us to something better.

 

Yes. Very true, and I reflect that certain events in the past that I'd label as "bad" definitely helped put me where I am today, and made me part of who I am. Which is, frankly, a pretty depressing thought...but it is reality.

Also reality: there are no guarantees that had I done certain things differently, or if certain events had happened a different way, that things would be different and better today. Perhaps a different road would lead to a the same--or a very similar--destination. And even if I'd ended up with a much different outcome, there are no guarantees that it would be "better."

And, of course, as I mentioned above, questions of what might have been? are unanswerable.

---------- Post added 13th Feb 2017 at 01:36 PM ----------

Also worth noting... A lot of my thinking of past events comes down to real unhappiness with my present, and feeling that my present circumstances can't be changed. And so that sets off a line of thinking: Had I done ______ differently, I wouldn't be in this current mess!

Of course...there is nothing one can do with the past. The only thing one can do is change the present as much as possible. And, if change isn't possible, somehow try to learn to make peace. But...this is easier said than done.

---------- Post added 13th Feb 2017 at 01:44 PM ----------

While I'm glad to have escaped the straight marriage, I sometimes wish I'd had a girlfriend just to have gotten some basic relationship experience. One thing that I find daunting is that if I were ever to date (which I pessimistically think is rather unlikely for a long list of reasons, including the cash flow issues I've whined about almost since day 1 here), I'd be starting from absolute zero. I suppose it can be seen as a "clean slate." But, at the same time, I keep feeling like there are skills I don't have that many 15 years olds have. And those skills would be an expected thing by any potential boyfriend.