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I am a married man who questions sexuality

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Mj5963, Feb 12, 2017.

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  1. Mj5963

    Mj5963
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    I am a married man for over 25 years with three kids college age . I have been curious probably my entire life and six years ago I had my first experience with a guy sexually . Since the. Over the years it got to be more and more sexual encounters but never any kind of emotional ones . My wife did find out and confronted me . We are dealing with that and yes I am definitely not proud of the infidelity and deciept and again not looking for judgments on that as we are in therapy to work through it, we actually get along great and are still together . But I do need to get my head around all this and my sexuality, anyone out there have similar situation and thoughts ? Thanks
     
    #1 Mj5963, Feb 12, 2017
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Welcome to EC! You found the right spot.

    Curious, have you discussed this with your therapist? Are your sessions just couple sessions or do you also have one on one sessions?

    Fort Lauderdale is the South Florida gay epicenter, so your living in an area where you should be able to find great resources to the extent your current therapist is not helping in regards to your sexuality. And I would suggest contacting The Pride Center in Wilton Manors, they might have some group events that you can get involved with which might help as well.

    Are you out to anyone or are you currently still trying to work through what your sexuality is? The more details you can provide, the more other EC members can reflect and provide some insight and guidance.

    I would not be surprised if your still trying to figure out your sexuality; trying to decide how you should be living your life (stay married, separate, divorce); determine what events in your life brought you to this point and work to understand them; better understand such issues as shame and internalized homophobia and how they effect you; etc etc etc.

    Personally, I came out back in 2013 after about 20 years of marriage with two later stage teenage kids. It's now 2017: I am completely out to everyone both personally and professionally. I am divorced. My eldest is in college and my youngest has recently been accepted to university. My ex and I have reached a point of indeference and are now trying to figure out what type of relationship we are supposed to have going forward. And I am on the final stretch due to get married to my boyfriend of three years in the coming weeks/months.

    It was not a straight line getting to where I am, lots of ups and downs, but I have found peace and contentment within myself at this point.

    Happy to provide some guidance based on my own experience as others here will based on there experiences. (And I am originally from South Florida myself)
     
    #2 OnTheHighway, Feb 12, 2017
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  3. Mj5963

    Mj5963
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    Awesome and thanks and yes I am very aware of the gay population here and work with many as well. I have a marriage therapist working with but am
    Starting with a sex therapist now too, as I have wrestled with this for several years and version LU while experiencing a lot of sexual encounters found myself into a different works per say, and have definitely questioned myself
    Trying to figure it out if I am truly gay just finding myself or I am convincing myself I am bi sexual . I do k ow this I still love my wife and she is amazing and didn't deserve my infidelity and she has actually been awesome
    To me as well. I know in my heart I just resolve my sexuality to really determine if we can fully reconcile . We are doing great together right now but if I ultimately find
    That I am truly gay I would never subject her to a mixed
    Orientation marriage . I feel I am bi sexual but obviously I feel a tad confused and did read "is my husband gay, straight or bi'. By dr joe Kort and I can relate
    To a lot of it
     
    #3 Mj5963, Feb 12, 2017
  4. OnTheHighway

    OnTheHighway
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    Everyone has a different process they need to go through. And this will not be an easy determination what ever direction it takes you in. Working with a proper therapist trained in sexuality will be of great assistance to you; and at a minimum, provide a proper path for you to follow.

    I went through the negotiation phase with myself for a very long time. In retrospect, I wish I had gone to an LGBT trained therapist much sooner than when I ultimately did (and even then, I finally accepted my sexuality before even going to one). I would have probably saved much difficulties.

    After I came out, my then wife wanted us to stay together. She was prepared to have an open marriage. I concluded it was not an honest way forward. And given my self deception for almost two decades, I decided against doing so. There was love between us, but I felt it would have caused more pain in the long run.

    At the end of the day, all my fantasies were same sex fantasies. I no longer had any thoughts or sexual desires towards woman. That is what kept replaying in my head which convinced me I was gay and not bi. Counter to that, was the pressure I put on myself to fit in and not "rock the boat"; with shame and internalized homophobia impacting me significantly. I am the only one to blame for the time it took for me to make the right decisions.

    I ultimately reached a tipping point and could no longer deal with the trauma brought on by the emotional wall I built being closeted. The flood gates opened and I completely accepted both myself and fate wherever it was going to take me. Once that happened therapy helped me get through the blowback and aftermath.

    One of the great things about living in Fort Lauderdale (and London), I was able to surround myself with an ever present gay community (with all the benefits and pitfalls that such a community brings with it). It certainly helped me in my own journey of self acceptance to have the opportunity to be part of the community.
     
    #4 OnTheHighway, Feb 12, 2017
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  5. Mj5963

    Mj5963
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    Wow I am so impressed with your comments , obviously I am not at a place to finally accept nor fully know , but obviously I am questioning enough and yes in many ways gay or bi I been closeted too long too, wife finding out was a huge relief actually and I fell more able to be open and honest with her . Am working with a sex therapist with LGBT experience as well now and hope t resolve my inner self and accept whatever my outcome is but I am getting closer

    ---------- Post added 12th Feb 2017 at 01:19 PM ----------

    And I know the reality of this all and ultimately if I resolve I am gay I am happy to say I can accept that which is a huge thing to say I know
     
    #5 Mj5963, Feb 12, 2017
  6. OnTheHighway

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    At the end of the day, you need to be true to yourself in the first instance, and then everyone else thereafter. Good Luck! I look forward to more posts as you progress.
     
    #6 OnTheHighway, Feb 12, 2017
  7. Mj5963

    Mj5963
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    Thank you as your comments are important , nothing is easy but as I work through it I understand myself more and more and your are right ft Lauderdale has a huge gay population and the availability of it certainly made it easy for me to explore it and it is pretty apparent I did enjoy and connect at minimum sexually
     
    #7 Mj5963, Feb 12, 2017
  8. Mj5963

    Mj5963
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    I am
    Starting with a IC that specializes in LGBT as I know deep in my heart I must resolve my sexuality for sure that is without question and while I am a smart articulate wel read successful guy this is so confusing and how to understand and still somewhat counter intuitive so I am open to how it goes
     
    #8 Mj5963, Feb 12, 2017
  9. OnTheHighway

    OnTheHighway
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    You may be smart, well read, articulate, professionally successful, but I also assume you had neglected yourself personally at the expense of the success. Or, saying it another way, you pushed yourself to professionally succeeded in order to hide behind whom you really are. Sound familiar?
     
    #9 OnTheHighway, Feb 12, 2017
  10. Mj5963

    Mj5963
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    Oh absolutely and it is obvious to me now and why I am even here on this forum, as I have said I am getting real professional help to
    Help me find out all my repressed feelings because so many are not in my conscious at this point and I am accepting and aware I had sex with guys and I liked it , I never ever hid behind a drunk kiss bull shit or I had a blackout as I was aware what I was doing , and I am also aware this will take time to work on and ultimately I will have to accept myself first before even attempting anything else . Again it is a reason I am on here
    As hearing fro
    Guys who had similar things st minimum keeps my mind open. I did connect with that book by dr joe kort is my husband gay straight or bi, a lot was relatable
     
    #10 Mj5963, Feb 12, 2017
  11. OnTheHighway

    OnTheHighway
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    Pick up The Velvet Rage, another quick and powerful read.
     
    #11 OnTheHighway, Feb 12, 2017
  12. Mj5963

    Mj5963
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    Ok I will as the readings I have been doing in between therapy have actually done a lot of good , makes me think a lot and reach inside my soul somewhat . Thank you for your advice and thoughts , actually look forward to your thoughts
     
    #12 Mj5963, Feb 13, 2017
  13. Nickw

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    Hi Mj5963

    You've come to a great place to receive help on learning to navigate coming to terms with your sexuality later in life. This forum was invaluable to me as I struggled to come out to my wife of over 30 years as a bisexual.

    As a bisexual, I know the struggles of trying to define and understand one's sexuality. It can be confusing. It seems we all have a little bit different experience and desires that define who we are...labels can be so concrete.

    I will offer my experience. I was so desperate to be with a man that I almost threw my marriage away by cheating. Instead I came out and my wife agreed that a, somewhat, open marriage could work. So, I satisfied some of my same sex curiosity within the boundaries we set up. It turns out that as I explored my same sex needs, I re-discovered my opposite sex attraction too. I think that by repressing my gay sexuality, I was also repressing my entire sexuality. This was not limited to my sexuality. I also rediscovered an ability to be more open in all my relationships.

    I think you are on the right track getting counseling to learn who you really are and what your sexuality means to you. We each have a unique journey. In the end, being honest and accepting will be your most valuable tools.
     
    #13 Nickw, Feb 14, 2017
  14. Mj5963

    Mj5963
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    Nickw, thank you for your post and you are absolutely correct and I am seeing things so much more clearly each day , between therapy and a tremendous amount of reading and reflecting I am finding my way. Trust me I am ashamed , mortified and upset beyond words that I cheated on my wife and I have completely owned it from the moment she confronted me , that by itself was huge and for my wife did open the chance to work through this and find a lot of answers I am sure I was seeking all along . I also know sexuality is individual and has some sort of fluidity but I also know that as I come to understand and accept who I am it is very important that I am able to openly articulate and completely be at peace with that . My wife has been so amazing to me and that has given me confidence that no matter what we will come to terms with this and be happy. I feel I have had a few epiphanies along the way and feel more happy about life than ever as I am discovering who I really am and totally honestly I want to spend the rest of my life committed to US! More work to do but feeling like I have a direction that feels deeply right . Self reflection and honesty is powef
     
    #14 Mj5963, Feb 14, 2017
  15. Nickw

    Nickw
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    Mj5963

    I know you are working through this. So, this may be premature...Do you see yourself being able to not have intimacy with another man...ever? The reason I ask is because when I came out to my wife she sorta thought my being bi was cool. It made me more complex and interesting to her I think. As long as I didn't act on it.

    I found that unsustainable pretty quickly.
     
    #15 Nickw, Feb 14, 2017
  16. Mj5963

    Mj5963
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    Hey I would say that is the big question I am wrestling with . I actually have a therapy session with a sex therapist that specializes with LGBT. I can say that I do feel in my heart I will ultimately make a choice I must live with good bad or indifferent . I can't see an open marriage as an option as first off I have seen first hand what my infidelity has done and it was so brutually painful to her and ultimately to me . It a a reason I came to this site to talk to those in similar situations. I have done so much reading and understanding the spectrum of sexuality on the Kinsey scale just so I can look in a mirror and know ultimately who I am . I have not come to that final place yet which is why getting profilessiknal guidance is so important to me and to my wife actually . It is a tough road I am aware and I also know that I must be so honest with myself of what got me here in first place. Talking out loud like this is super helpful too so I welcome the questioning and conversation . I do know one thing I can say and that is I know I am not a 0 on Kinsey for sure :slight_smile:.
     
    #16 Mj5963, Feb 14, 2017
  17. Nickw

    Nickw
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    Well. I knew I was bi from when I was a kid. So, I made the decision not to act on it for 32 years of my marriage. So, I know it can work to remain monogamous. The issue for me was to be able to nurture the gay in my sexuality.

    This doesn't mean sex necessarily. In the past six months, I have developed a network of gay friends where I can be gay. I attend pride events. I have a couple of casually intimate friends. Enough where I can look in the mirror and see a gay guy and it is comfortable.
     
    #17 Nickw, Feb 14, 2017
  18. Mj5963

    Mj5963
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    Well first off congratulations that is so awesome and I know if I looked in a mirror and saw myself as gay I would at this stage accept that and gladly move on. I work in a business with a lot of gays and have attended events with work so always been around plenty of LGBT and have an open mind for sure . I just work to fully understand all this to make sure I am happy who I am and I will live that way, so one of two things will ultimately happen and I am perfectly prepared for that. My wife and I will reconcile and put the infidelity behind us and I will commit to monogamy with her period or I will resolve I cannot commit regardless if I come to a place where I accept my sexuality as gay or bi but know I can't commit to monogamy and if that is the case I will gracefully accept it and we will go our separate ways but always Abel or for each other and what we built with our amazing kids . I feel better and resolute about it all just working to that final place which I have no timetable on just hard work ahead
     
    #18 Mj5963, Feb 14, 2017
  19. Mj5963

    Mj5963
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    Tonight get to meet for first time with a new therapist who specializes is sexuality within the LGBT community , hoping to really finally get more assistance so I can get to that peaceful place of accepting who I am
     
    #19 Mj5963, Feb 15, 2017
  20. Mj5963

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    So as I continue my journey it is becoming more apparent to myself if I must use a label I am bisexual. I know I am not straight at all , and never see myself living gay as see no emotional or romantic life with a man rest of my life . My sexual interests are both , that being said I must reconcile that and accept that if I am to remain married I must make a conscious decision to be monogamous with my wife for rest of our lives period
     
    #20 Mj5963, Feb 15, 2017
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