Goals -after you've come out.

Very much changed, I didn't want to hide what I was doing anymore

 

Ah, greatwhale. He is a Yoda of sorts.

 

LOL! Waayyy too much admiration. (And I think greatwhale would agree.) greatwhale is a wonderful person and a truly deep thinker for whom I have a ton of respect, but he's neither ethereal nor god-like.

 

My goals - its funny, I think it's always been my goal to find a wife one day. Way before I ever really allowed myself to come out. I wanted a wife around age 22 (I knew that's the future I wanted), but I continued to deny it strongly until I came out at 36. Almost immediately after starting to post on EC, when I looked back in my posts, my 3rd or 4th post was me wondering if I needed to separate from my husband because I was worried that what I really needed was to find a woman to marry one day.


But, since then my biggest goal has changed to simply, live authentically. Meaning I can't be married to a man, but it's ok if I'm alone, even for the rest of my life. I just simply know that my true wish is to have a future with a woman, but I had to accept the future of being alone, because if that wasn't enough for me, to simply live authentically, I don't think I would have felt fully 100% confident that I was separating for the right reasons.

 

I think greatwhale won't be so taken aback by my appreciation of his wisdom through words.

No Star Wars fans were hurt in the making of that comment.

 

Taken aback, I am not...just pleased I am that meager words of mine could touch your hearts!

May the love be with you!

But for a moment, let's speak of goals...

I tend to shy away from goals, sure, they are useful in very specific contexts, as long as they are not rigid and inflexible. The main problem I have with them are the endpoints. By that I mean there are two possible outcomes from goals: you either achieve them, or you don't. If you do achieve them, then what? If you don't, then you've failed. Both of these endpoints are disappointments, for different reasons.

I prefer to live in the moment, making goals as needed, but sticking with them insofar as they make sense. I prefer to compose my life as would an artist, doing things that seem like a good idea at the time they are done. Whether anything I do, or don't do, may indeed be a good idea or not, life is being lived in either case. Often, what seemed like some crazy idea in the past very often turns out to be exactly what needed to be done...but only time can tell for sure, history has a way of judging things very differently as time passes.

When I wrote what was quoted in the OP's thread, I saw that as a kind of vision, it was more than a goal, I could say it was more akin to the inevitable outcome of living my own truth in the present moment, day after day...and I am happy to say that I am indeed living it...he may not be my husband, we may not be as open as I wish we could be, but I am far from disappointed!

 

Wow, might be hard to follow all of that up, but I'll try. :lol:

I've appreciated all of you so much in following our shared journeys together. Some of you are closer to me in the timeline of coming out and some much further ahead. And, sorry QR, but as a wise and spiritual leader, GW is our Yoda. And, not least, thank you findingjoy for this thread of mutual admiration.

A couple of weeks after I first came out, my therapist remarked that he thought I was limiting my idea of being "gay" to purely sexual concepts, and I realized he was right. I realized that my homosexuality, while in denial for so long, was expressed mostly through masturbatory fantasy, and so naturally the sexual aspects of being gay were my predominant mindset.

It took about six months for me to really begin to let my heart open to the possibility of finding real love some day. Over that time, I found that my actual attractions to men increased, but not in purely sexual ways, more in the areas of cuddling and kissing, wanting to hold a guy's hand and just gaze upon his face. And these things have shifted my focus to dating instead of hooking up for sex. It's really amazing to me that once I allowed myself to dream of my prince I wanted more from the experience - I wanted to feel real passion. So, yes, my desires changed after coming out.

In terms of goals, I've never really been much of a goal-setter. I did make a goal when I came out though. My goal was to be fully out - to everyone. I've pretty much reached that goal. The last part of the goal was to be FB out, which I now am.

I found a book by Peter Cashorali called Fairy Tales. It's the classic fairy tales from your childhood, but re-imagined as gay. It's the book I should have read as a child. As I continue to move forward in my personal journey, I do so with a renewed hope that some day my prince will come. My happily ever after awaits!

Take care all. ride:

 

I'm happy to say that my sexual fantasies have often been equal with my romantic fantasies. I get about the same arousal, if not more, from imagining myself cuddling with someone as I do thinking about getting someone off. It used to always be about women, maybe a man once in a great while when I got to my 20s and started to accept this new part of me. But now, I have started to only fantasize about men, and the romantic thoughts have not lost their punch.

I really love how ~I'm gay put it. Holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes, cuddling, making out, it's all so wonderful to dream of. My heart starts to race even now. (long sigh)

Now that I have come out to everyone in my nuclear household, my next goal is to work on finding out where to go to meet new people. That's Goal 1, part 1. Goal 1 part 2 I will be working towards at the same time as part 1, which is all about image: what will my personal wardrobe and Make up style be to establish my new persona? You see, I've always wanted to develop a more feminine fashion statement, but never felt confident or ready to do so. But now that I'm Bi, leaning gay, I feel much more ready to go down this path.

The main goal after that is to then find someone I really really like. I can't really plan beyond that, but like I've explained above, I have my daily fantasies. So here's hoping I can find some amazing and adorable man in the next 6 months or so, that I can just cuddle the crap out of. That would be my goal in terms of time. Not sure if I'll get that lucky. But I live in Savannah, GA. There's got to be some lovely guys around, right?

 

Coming out was just the first step in accomplishing my ultimate goal, answering the question: Whom am I?

Every part of my journey from there on was aimed at figured out this question.

Each intermediate goal was a step towards the main goal.

Coincidentally, yesterday as we were driving back from the airport after I had been away traveling for work for the past two weeks, "Do you know who you are now?"

I replied, "Yes, I am a proud, content gay man!"