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Later In Life Coming Out...At Work

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Moonsparkle, Feb 12, 2017.

  1. Moonsparkle

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    I'm just wondering if any Later in Life people have any thoughts/advice or experience in coming out at work?

    I am 49 year old lesbian, I am out to a some people, but not out at all at work.

    Lately though, I have been thinking a lot about this. Honestly I am not sure if I am even ready for this step but it's been on my mind. Maybe part of my being hesitant is just the fact that though I am a pretty social person, including at work; when it comes to 'deeper' things about me I tend to be more private (just in general.) I guess I am one of those 'extroverted/introverts.'

    I have been with this company for about 23 years. For many of these years I was married (to a man), I've been divorced about 8 years.

    My company is very accepting etc., so I am not worried about that. I am friendly with my coworkers and I wouldn't expect that anyone would have an 'issue' with me being a lesbian. It is a very 'gossipy' company though, and maybe this plays into my uncertainty.

    A couple more details: after a lot of soul searching and being in my first lesbian relationship, I accepted that I was a lesbian about 4 years ago--suddenly everything made sense! I started coming out to a few people over the past year or so, generally it's gone well-but not totally. Having been married to a man and perhaps also because I am very feminine people assume I am straight. I think people at work would be surprised that I am gay--but strangely something inside me tells me they wouldn't be completely shocked.

    On one hand I think that coming out at work would be liberating for me, on the other hand I am just not sure...

    Thanks for reading!

    Any thoughts from people who have 'been there/done that' as far as coming out later in life in the workplace would be more than welcome!
     
  2. Contented

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    Just coming to terms with transition from straight to gay however I plan to live an openly gay life eventually while would require coming out at work. Like you many will surprised I am gay but I do plan to change that perception. Part of wanting to come out for me is to be proud of being gay without wearing my homosexuality on my sleeve. Good luck.
     
  3. stretching

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    I think once I come out as gay to my immediate family (husband and young kids) i look forward to living out and proud. It is just these people in my immediate circle who I'm so worried about. The rest of the world can just deal with it . [thats what i say now, anyway]
     
  4. justaguyinsf

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    I think it makes sense on an as needed basis and not as an announcement about your sexuality per se but instead, for example, the fact that you'll be bringing a female companion to the Christmas party or that you're getting married to your female fiance. If someone asks you directly I think it's appropriate to demur (I think it's actually inappropriate and possibly actionable for people at work to ask personal questions like that).
     
  5. baristajedi

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    I came out at my last job, casually through conversations about my weekend and my girlfriend. Now I'm starting a new job, and nervous to do it all over again! But also excited, and I feel it might be easier since they know nothing about my past (ie marriage to a man etc)

    Coming out at work made me feel so relieved and free. If you feel safe doing so, I highly recommend it.
     
    #5 baristajedi, Feb 12, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2017
  6. OnTheHighway

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    No percieved job reprucusuons, a way to live as authentically as possible, seems like an exercise in vulnerability that you will benefit from by enhancing your confidence and self esteem.
     
  7. Moonsparkle

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    Thank you all for your insightful responses!

    OntheHighway, you make a great point, 'no perceived job repercussions, a chance to live authentically etc...'

    I have done a lot of work over past few years on just that.... on living authentically. I am working with a great therapist and slowly have allowed myself to be vulnerable by sharing the real, true me with others. It's been difficult, but I haven't been disappointed in the results, I feel more comfortable being me, more 'free', more settled. (This after being raised in a family where we were not encouraged to express our feelings, share emotions or 'draw attention to ourselves' in any way...)

    It is probably true that coming out at work would only increase my 'settled' feeling, not decrease it. Like Baristajedi, I can easily see myself just bringing this up in casual conversation. I guess it will just be another step along the journey...

    Thanks again everyone. I am so happy to have found this site, it has been really helpful to connect with folks dealing with the same issues.
     
  8. looking for me

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    I came out at work after Orlando, but I came out on facebook about a month before that. it's gone well, I know a few have gossiped behind my back but....

    in general I haven't had any problems, one gay man told me to "pick a side" when it was mentioned that im BI. I told him I did, I choose me and being me - all of me....:eusa_doh:

    hope this helps.
     
  9. OnTheHighway

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    I took my team out for drinks, and just laid it out to them. Let them ask me questions. Then moved on. Better this way for me to get it out in one shot than have it slowly drip one drop at a time.
     
  10. PianoKeys

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    Are you this ? 19 Real Life Examples of An Extroverted Introvert So You Don't Get Confused I am, I am not the only one : D I knew about it already and I got it again from ......*thinking*...uh...I forgot the name ! Someone here at least...

    Anyway, just wanted to share :grin: I feel you should just say it the way you describe it there does not seem to be a problem ! But easier said then done, especially coming from me...
     
  11. Moonsparkle

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    Thank you so much for sharing this link TalkaWalka!

    This article is spot on--- describes me perfectly--especially the 'we live in our heads even if it seems like we put ourselves out there' and 'we want to be noticed for our hard work but then panic if someone pays us more than 30 seconds of attention...' Haha! Totally me.

    Glad to know too that there must be enough of us introverted extroverts out there for someone to have written a whole article about it! :lol:

    Great read!
     
  12. r2de2baca

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    here is what i know about work, people are busy-bodies and want to get into your busienss so they can talk about you later with the work people. they are already talking about you behind your back anyway but they desperately need info you provide to make it more juicy gossip.

    1. if you are over 25 and not seen with or mention a husband, girlfriend, wife or boyfriend people put you into two buckets.

    bucket 1: "aww poor thing is homely, unkempt, a slob, an a-hole, annoying, stinks, socially awkward, or physically unattractive and it makes since why he/she is single. we have to help him/her find someone and/or fix them up". thats usually if you work with nice people they will try and hook you up with potential candidates. if you work with rosemary's baby type co-workers, they will just make fun of you, usually behind your back.

    bucket 2: "he/she is hot or atleast normal looking and can have anyone they want or should be able to have someone. i wonder why they are always single.....hmmmm something fishy must be going on. we need to get to the bottom of this and be nosey and get into their business!!." this usually goes on for a while but if after a year they still havent seen you with anyone, they will 50% assume you are a homosexual (especially if you are a guy)or 50% still try and hook you up and ask you about dating nonstop. if you push off their efforts then they will believe you are indeed gay for sure.

    my point is you seem to fall into bucket 2. you been single for 8 years...honey they already know you are a friend of Todo.

    Only come out if you feel like it and the first thing they will say is "oh i knew but didnt want to pry. im happy for you."
     
    #12 r2de2baca, Feb 13, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2017
  13. Moonsparkle

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    On point realistic post Early40's! You are right, I'm a Bucket #2, maybe people have been doing the whole, 'hmmm I wonder what's wrong with her she could have someone...somethings up....' all along.

    And they actually did meet my girlfriend (first and so far only real lesbian relationship) several times when we were together (about a year), as she stopped by my office fairly regularly, we'd go to lunch etc. But they knew her only as my 'friend' (or so I thought...)

    Thanks for reminding me in a real clear way how the the workplace busy body/gossip/rumor mill works! I needed to be able to look at this from an outside perspective. Maybe this is why somewhere deep inside I already know that no one at work is going to be shocked by this 'big revelation'. The big revelation would probably amount to a lot of, 'oh she finally came out, no big surprise there....' that would be that, and the gossip train would move on to the next thing...

    Thanks again for your input!
     
  14. PianoKeys

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    I know right :icon_bigg I feel the same. Especially when you say glad to know that there must be enough of us , to be written about ! I was very much surprised ! Well fellow introverted extrovert ! Your welcome *salute*