Hi all, I'm 21 so I'm not necessarily "older". However, I've gone through the questioning process for the past year while in a relationship with a man. We live together, have a dog and a joint bank account so I think I'll be able to get the most helpful advice for my situation from this thread. I think I'm finally done with the questioning. :eusa_danc I am a lesbian. I just don't know how to go about ending things with my boyfriend. I have most of my situation worked out beyond this. I could easily move back in with my mom while I finish school and it would only be for another year so I'm not worried about where I live. I'm worried about being selfish. Where will he live? What happens to our dog? I don't want to never see either of them again but I deserve to be able to live as my most authentic self. I deserve time to heal from this relationship and the struggles of questioning my sexuality, and I deserve to love beautiful women. How did you guys go about telling your partners that you were no longer interested in having a relationship with them because you've discovered that you're gay/lesbian? I would really appreciate some guidance and maybe a little comfort that everything will be alright.
Take it from someone who was cheating on my wife with a guy being upfront and honest is way way way way better period . Just my two cents worth
First of all, congratulations on your self-realization and the courage to live your life as authentic as possible. Also, yes, everything will be alright.(*hug*) In fact, after all of the initial anxiety of coming out, everything will be WAY better than alright. Everything will be perfect!!! So my situation when I came out to my wife, with whom I have been in a relationship with for 20 years, is vastly different than yours. Not in age and years so much, but the circumstances. I am trans, which actually left the door open for us to stay together as unlikely of a scenario as that may have seemed. But I don't believe that impacts my advice in any way. I don't think you are selfish at all considering that one of your main concerns is his well being and where he will live. But your "breakup" will be just like any other break up in that how it goes will be determined if it's an amicable split or, god forbid, an anger filled split fueled on resentment and hurt. I think you can very realistically expect him to be both angry and hurt. Hopefully, that will change after awhile. It may start out really rough, but there is a possibility that he, too, would wish to, in time, remain as friends. Now if that was hard enough to hear, here comes the really difficult part. Yes, you have a dog together, and that really sucks that the dog can only go with one of you. But after the initial split, you're probably better off distancing yourself from him regardless of who has the dog. Whether it's with a male or female, the heart needs to heal and become stronger so you can offer your best to any future relationships. If later on, you both regain your strength in independence, if you both chose to do so, you can try to change the relationship into a friendship. I know this is very difficult to hear and accept. Especially when there is history like his and yours (and your dogs) involved. Breaking up is never easy. Sweetie, good luck!! I truly wish you all the best. On one hand, this is a tough, sad time. On the other hand, celebrate the "new you"!!! You ARE young, enjoy life, you deserve it. Be well!!!
I am not sure if my post will help you in anyway, (we are similar in age, I am 23, I am reading these because I am trying to find insight on my own situation atm) but I am in a kind of similar situation but I am in the position of your boyfriend. I don't know how to feel and I don't know what to say. After 2 years of being together, he told me just yesterday he is bi (thought was bi and kept going back and forth of saying yes, and then no, and then finally admit yes I am bi) and cheated on me with 7 men and then after a few hours called and said hes gay (then again kind of questioned himself and mumbled - clearly not wanting to talk to me at that moment) and hung up on me (a bunch of crazy stuff happened he was feeling completely out of it and not responding in a medical healthy way and actually went to the hospital) I am out of the country for work currently and I haven't talked to him yet, but point of my rambling is... To let you know from the other side, if your boyfriend really cares about you he will understand and let you go. I always thought id would be with my bf forever and I love him with all my heart. However if he ends up telling me he is truly gay and wants to be without me and stops questioning himself, I understand and I will only wish him the best because at the end of the day, what matters most is his happiness and health. Even on my side, I don't think you are selfish - in fact if anything, I feel selfish that I still want him to stay in love with me and to marry me and live the rest of his live with me My advice: I know its hurting you, and its also hurting us on the other side, but truth is, its good to tell the truth and be true to yourself. good luck <3
i wrote a note and came out to them. there was hurt snd love and. trwrs ans acceotance. then we tried to keep it going. we were going to beat this.but now that i was open incould not deny y attraction to guys and it seemed to be happening more. we ended it. there was more pain and shame. after time healing. we r besties now. we actually have the same type in guys lol i miss her though. best relationship i ever had in life so far.
It will be alright, 21 is pretty young you still have time to make major life changes and it was alright when I came out to my boyfriend. I'm 24 and I told by BF of three years in a letter I sent over Facebook messenger because he lives in another state now. I told him anyway he feels about me is okay I understand. He forgave me, and said he hopes I've found happiness and found a way to tell my family. Now we're friends and he has a new GF. Things worked out better then I could have imagined so don't give up
Twenty one, This is not an easy situation you are in. You are in a relationship with a person you care about. You share finances and you have a dog. While you are young you do have a lot of responsibility you have taken on. A really strong positive I see for you is that you can articulate what you want long term and it seems like you can take care of number one by living temporarily with your mom. You also know you still want to see the dog and your boyfriend. This understanding of where you are headed will give direction and enable clear and honest conversation with the boyfriend, if that is what you chose. Personally, I have gone through a similar process but kids, a house, a dog, and extended family were shared responsibilities. Luckily, my ex husband is an incredible guy so my honesty, at any point, did not scare him away. What worked for me was the following: talking a lot with real friends who value family and being responsible yet taking care of #1. Going to counseling to just talk like crazy helped further my putting words to feelings. I set a time frame within which I could communicate my own needs to end the relationship but remain friends. This kept me from rushing out of the house or forcing conversations. I used concise language with my ex husband and told him small bits of information at a time (allowing time for him to process and ask questions). Sometimes I did have to use shocking/colorful language to be clear, especially when telling him something he did not want to hear. During my coming out to my ex husband I made sure to make myself emotionally available as much as he needed because I wanted to maintain our friendship. I carved time out of every morning and evening to allow this. ---------- Post added 21st Feb 2017 at 11:34 PM ---------- Twenty one, This is not an easy situation you are in. You are in a relationship with a person you care about. You share finances and you have a dog. While you are young you do have a lot of responsibility you have taken on. A really strong positive I see for you is that you can articulate what you want long term and it seems like you can take care of number one by living temporarily with your mom. You also know you still want to see the dog and your boyfriend. This understanding of where you are headed will give direction and enable clear and honest conversation with the boyfriend, if that is what you chose. Personally, I have gone through a similar process but kids, a house, a dog, and extended family were shared responsibilities. Luckily, my ex husband is an incredible guy so my honesty, at any point, did not scare away. What works for me was the following: talking a lot with real friends who value family and being responsible yet taking care of #1; going to counseling to just talk like crazy and this helps further my putting words to feelings; setting a time frame within which I cloud communicate my own needs to end the relationship but remaining friends; using concise language with my ex husband and telling him small boys of information at a time (allowing time for him to process and ask questions). During my coming out to my ex husband I made sure to make myself emotionally available as much as he needed because I wanted to maintain our friendship. I carved time out of every morning and evening to allow this.
Twenty one, Be happy that you are 21 and you are understanding your truth! That you are concerned about your boyfriend shows what a caring person you are, but don't allow that to overshadow your own needs. Speaking from too much life experience here - coming to my truth in my 50's (with grown children, house, and longterm marriage) and always too concerned about the people in my life that I care about and sometimes not caring enough about my own happiness. When you are happy and fulfilled, you will be your best you and impact the world in your best way. We all have just a short time to dance upon this earth and I'm doing my best to experience it and live it in the most real way possible.
