It has become increasingly apparent both to myself and my incredible five year hetero partner that I am a lesbian. We had the big talk several months ago, and the resulting decision was to open the relationship to allow me to date women while we continued to work on our relationship. Mainly, this decision was to dispel any doubt about my sexuality and to see if we can manage an open relationship, as we both have nontraditional views about relationships. There is baggage we are carrying together, though, and it is HEAVY. I have a nine year old son from an abusive marriage that we narrowly escaped. Between the two of us, there is a lot of trauma and mental illness, and mine has even manifested physically in the form of pretty intense Fibromyalgia, which can all make day to day life a struggle. My current partner is an amazing stepfather to my son, and quite honestly, we are extremely financially dependent on him. I took a leap of faith a little over a year and a half ago to quit my oppressive job and open my own business with what I had saved up at that job. It has been paying for itself, but it's not paying me yet, and my partner covers my house payment and a few of the big monthly bills. I receive very little for my son and I to survive off of in child support from my ex-husband who has been deemed unfit as a father. I have very little family support as far as raising my son since my mother died, and have no idea how I can manage to continue working if my partner and I split, because I cannot afford childcare. I can't afford my house payment even. How can I even get a second job without childcare? I feel totally and utterly lost. I am terrified that us splitting will break my son's heart. He loves my partner like a father. My partner has promised he would not desert us financially if I am gay, which is reassuring, but I am so scared that it will be a long time until I can support myself and my son without his help, and my house is tiny and there is almost nowhere for him to go in the house to begin our separate lives. So I've been stewing in this. It becomes more clear to me every day that I just cannot have straight sex anymore, and he has already admitted that he can not be in a sexless relationship, because it is so important to him. He told me recently that it is his only emotional release. It is the definition of closeness to him. So what now? How do I go on? It would be so selfish of me to continue on like this, but I am so scared of the future. After leaving my abusive husband, my mother took a mortgage out in her name to provide me with this home. I was to make the payments. Then she died, and my house is in limbo, and is the only thing in her estate. My father lives, but I can't even begin to imagine bringing all of this to his attention. He's a well-meaning man, but a bigot and a sexist and he is crude and very conservative in ways. Should I sell the house? Where would my son and I go? I am so lost. ---------- Post added 14th Feb 2017 at 04:47 PM ---------- I posted this here because I am 33, and wasn't sure if this or the coming out forum were more fitting. Since I'm already technically out to my partner, I figured it best to post here.
I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. I completely understand the challenge of trying to weigh priorities and figure out a solution that works for partner and kids as well as trying to meet your own needs. I have no real words of advice because I haven't even had the talk with my husband yet. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.
Thank you for empathizing with me, stretching. Everything takes time, so I am trying to take this one day at a time, but these feelings of urgency come in waves, as I'm sure you've probably experienced, too. My partner wants me to be my authentic self and will be happiest to see that, but being gay is not a source of happiness for me, not now, not yet. It is absolute heartbreak. I love this man. I pictured us spending our whole lives together. Just the thought of us splitting makes me break down in tears and feels like the world is crumbling around us. He deserves to be loved in every way though, so I feel like a liar every time I think about my inability to provide him with the attention he deserves. I need to remember that he has chosen to be patient with me and wants to make sure that we're both 100% sure before making any drastic life changes, so I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
I myself know a woman in a similar situation, but is afraid to open up due to having nobody close. But the fact you are able to be open about it , is good and that he is like the way he is is really really good. Just take your time to look at options, where there is a will there is a way. Can you make him legally bound to your son ? If only it were symbolic. And you can slowly maybe work towards a better plan. I actually do not have good advice , but it takes time. And it looks like you have a real deep bond and that it would last : ) I really do hope that for both of you there is happiness but you guys can be honest with each other and that says a lot! Maybe you could spend some time apart , a week or whatever to really think things trough ?
I cannot legally bind him to my son, nor would I ask that of him. Although he is a wonderful stepdad, he is not a person who would have chosen to have a child of his own accord. My son is legally bound to me. I have permanent full custody. He is not allowed to see his father, as he was abusive and deemed unfit. I like your suggestion of spending a week apart, so I will keep that in mind when we finally talk about this. I'm having another wave of emotions hit me about this, and every time the logical result is that we can't stay together, as I'm not being my authentic self. Trying this poly setup is too hard, and I don't think I was built for it. Dating is one thing, but being serious with somebody AND trying to date just makes it all feel wrong. I am so scared. I could always see about selling the house and moving in with family until I can get my feet on the ground again, but then I would have to come out to family too, and that scares me so much. I don't know where to turn.
