Gay Purgatory

In Catholic theology, Purgatory (Latin: Purgatorium, via Anglo-Norman and Old French) is an intermediate state after physical death in which some of those ultimately destined for heaven must first "undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven"

On March 16, 2013, I entered what I now deemed to call "Gay Purgatory". On that fateful day, with EC on my screen in front of me and watching out the window the sun rising behind a mountain landscape, I completely accepted my sexuality and said to myself out loud and with conviction "I am Gay". With saying those words, my old life had died, it was no longer whom I was and gay purgatory began. If only I knew the journey that saying those words would take me on......

Thus began my journey of self awareness with the goal of figuring out who I am. I knew I was gay, but I had no idea whatsoever whom I really was. As I look back on this journey, I can not help but compare this ambiguous state of being with Purgatory. I was confused, unsure of myself, lacked confidence, self esteem and identity. I had defined my life not by whom I was but by whom I projected onto others a persona that I had created. For me to fully embrace myself, I needed to cleanse myself of the emotional wall I built and all the falsehoods that came with it. I needed to get through Gay Purgatory.

It started with a discussion with my ex wife, the need to tell the kids, and the planning to figure out what the future would hold for my family and myself. I considered both my families well being as well as my own needs, and set a course that in the long run I felt would be right for everyone. Always doing what I perceived was right for them (albeit never in a straight line) and trying to do what was best to ensure their lives faced as minimal disruption as possible under the circumstances. In the long run, I wanted them to be able to find their own happiness; even if that meant it would be without me, knowing significant pain would ensue before they got to where they could find their own happiness.

Over these past four years, I had to dive deep into my head. Reflect on my life's experiences, separate facts from perception, and be completely and totally honest with myself. I had to embrace my insecurities, accept that I had low self esteem rather than the confidence I projected, and untangle a web of self deceit and compartmentalization.

Like a time machine, I had to go back to my earliest days in memory. Rehash uncomfortable experiences in my life, understand how they impacted me, reflect on the shame that caused me to build an emotional wall and understand why I developed internalized homophobia leading me to hate myself.

I sought out validation from others by unsavory means, putting myself unwittingly at risk of both further emotional and physical harm, all in the name of seeking out love and affection (unwittingly finding the wrong type of "love" and "affection").

I would walk by mirrors and avoid the reflection, I would hide from cameras and disregard photos. But I soon realized I needed to learn to love myself first and foremost. I needed to exchange perceived confidence with real confidence. I needed to become the man I was always meant to be - and that person is someone that I could hold in high esteem, being able to look in the mirror and smile. I needed to find a way to leave the Gay Purgatory and live the life of an authentic and proud gay man.

I had to open myself up emotionally, I needed to expose myself and take risks. I needed to make myself vulnerable. I needed to find both success and failure to establish my own boundaries and figure out whom I am. The more personal success I had, the more confidence I built. The more I exposed myself to others within the LGBT community, the more I accepted whom I was.

I attended pride events, I joined LGBT sport leagues, I carried on like a teenager on dating apps, I got involved in LGBT charities, I went to bars and clubs, I frequented LGBT stores, I dated, had a boyfriend, broke up, and went on to meet another whom would become the love of my life.

My partner, now fiancé and soon husband challenged me (unrelentingly as well, where at times I thought of giving up). He supported me at my darkest moments and pushed me to excel when I was making progress. He gave me the space I needed yet pulled me back in when appropriate. He became my rock; and I returned the favor.

I came out completely to all whom knew me both personally and professionally. I had coffees with childhood friends, drinks with my high school mates, dinners with college buddies, discussions in taxis with business associates, business dinners where I brought my partner along, so on and so on. I found myself becoming addicted to the rush of accomplishment. Risk taking and making myself vulnerable became the drug, and the corresponding confidence boosts the rush.

Soon, I started taking the time to stop and to look in the mirror, I sought out opportunities to take pictures of myself and enjoy the photos, I began to smile with enthusiasm as I figured out whom I was. And I realized, I loved myself.

I love the person I have become. The person I was always supposed to be. I look back on the 20 years that I was in the closet not with regret, but as a needed part of the overall journey of life I have been on. I have forgiven others, but most importantly, I have forgiven myself. I hold no regrets. Instead, I have reached a point to look ahead rather than looking back.

With all the backward reflection I have done, I am confident I have finally figured out whom I am. And now it is time to refocus on the future, and live life as a proud, content, confident and purposed gay man.

I am leaving Gay Purgatory. It is now time to enjoy the fruits of all the hard work, and get back to living life.

 

There were two distinct brook end dates for me - March 16, 2013, and February 13, 2017. The first is when I said to myself "I am gay", and the second when I met my ex wife for a coffee and we discussed not only my pending marriage, but how she has progressed with her life. The first date opened the door where I entered gay purgatory, and the second chystalizied for me the realisation that I could now move ahead and close the gay purgatory door behind me.

So much of my journey has benefited from being challenged and challanging others on their journey. In combination with proper therapy sessions to help provide a path to follow, getting third party perspectives from others on EC whom themselves are finding thier own way, and comparing it to my own, has shed light and helped me have breakthrough after breakthrough moments.

SiennaFire, along with so moany others, have been a part of my journey. Whether in agreement or disagreement as we exchanged ideas and perspectives, following your journey has helped me define my own. I will enjoy reading about your continued progress, sharing in it, further supporting it, and appreciate all that you have helped me on my own.