I am wondering where to go from here. I probably shared my story seven times on this site over the past year, but to recap: I'm 27, been married for eight years, and I have been monogamous my entire adult life and never had a single relationship before that. I am grieving because my wife has two chronic illnesses and is suffering immensely and has been for seven years. I never get a break, but at this point I do not want one. I take care of her and I love her. I am sexually unsatisfied in my relationship, but the confusing thing is her sickness keeps us from having sex 95% of the time we are in the mood and role reversal fantasies are virtually impossible. I do not want to admit to myself or to her that there are two possibilities going through my mind: I could be gay or perhaps I am simply no longer attracted to her. I do not think I am gay, because pictures of attractive women turn me on (I no longer watch porn). We love each other and do not keep secrets. On occasion, I delay sharing a particular thought, but I do not lie. I admitted I have feelings for my best friend who is straight to her. I do not want to have them. I thought that I was just going crazy because I am grieving. I am able to perform sexually, but I find myself often not even wanting to have sex with her when she is ready. I am sure my orientation is driving me crazy as some coping mechanism but I want this to stop. I think I have been obsessing over guys for two weeks now. I work really hard at finding peace and living life through honesty and action. Does anyone relate or have any similar experiences?
As I went through the learning process of figuring out that I am bisexual, it became a comfort and a solidifying element in my life to simply accept that I'm bi and that explains my attractions. Like you, I'm married and monogamous (to a woman). Even under the best circumstances, that's certainly not the easiest situation to be in in today's society. But we do well. I'm happy. I think your wife's chronic illnesses make things more difficult, as they would in a totally straight marriage. It's a complicating factor. I have a straight coworker who is going through a similar situation, and I can see how it can be stressful for him. I wish comfort for your wife in her illness. I would encourage you to accept your orientation as what it is and try to draw strength from that acceptance. And I think you are doing the right thing staying honest and monogamous, for what it's worth. I don't know if that helps at all, but hugs to you both.
First I am sorry about your wife's illness and pray she recovers . Regarding sexuality well I been married over 25 years have three daughters 21 and over not at home anymore and around 6 years ago had my first sexual experience with another guy and first time ever cheated on my wife , obviously not proud of it , and don't need to belabor a lot of what I have already posted here on other threads , bottom line is she caught me and confronted me five weeks ago which I did not deny. Or blame her , I am owning it . My sexual encounters grew over the years and in past year or so been spiraling as doing it more and wanting more with guys . Never ever been with another woman entire marriage not that excises my infidelity with men , and that is the issue I am dealing with along with the infidelity . I can tell u both first hand the crushing emotions and betrayal has been brutal and I am beyond sorry and remorseful to my wife knowing I violated everything in our marriage . We are working on that as I am working on myself too . So here is my personal experience and now my suggestion, be upfront with your wife's , tell them that u have had some bi sexual interests and never acted upon them . Go to a sex therapist who understands this so u can have a professional assist u in understanding f it . Because if u go the route I did u may get away with it physically but ultimately emotionally it will crash as mine did and that has been horrendous and I deserve it but it is bad for both . Hope this helps
Thanks. I spoke to her last night about this. She is not okay with the idea of even me kissing another man. I woke up with a lot of clarity though. I think you are completely right. I certainly believe that monogamy is a proven path towards freedom and happiness. Everyone seems to be looking for a special someone to come home to at the end of the day. I do not think that polyamory is possible for everyone and certainly not for me. I sometimes doubt whether it works for anyone. When I change my state, then I realize I am grieving. Sexual dissatisfaction is caused not from my orientation but because we have been afflicted with a terrible burden I would not wish on my worst enemy. I can accept that I will only ever be with one person. I like men. I want to experiment sexually with them, but the immediate gratification will not make me happy ultimately. Ergo, I can just take comfort in accepting my orientation. ---------- Post added 17th Feb 2017 at 12:49 PM ---------- I have a lot of negative thoughts about therapy I expressed in the other post, but I may consider it if these thoughts somehow persist. I think you helped me realize that experimenting sexually with men while I am married to a woman is not a path to happiness. I need a straightforward (or queerforward) lifestyle of integrity and love. Bisexual can not possibly mean I have to always feel the grass is greener on the other side. That is my fear, if I ended up with a man, then I would miss sex with women. My sex drive is not even that high anymore. We love each other and have trust and friendship. That is valuable and I question if I would ever find happiness without her. Thanks for sharing.
Godless as we talked on other thread this just resonated with me so big . Regarding sex with a man or a woman. I finally have resolved my internal emotional challenges and I am so happy to announce I seek emotional love and companionship with my wife . Physical and sex will happen naturally . Ironically I relate a lot to the book 5 love languages and it helped me think and dig into myself and gave me direction on what was missing for me , thanks for POSTON g
